Thank you Shan and Mimi for sharing. Shan I'm so sorry you're hurting my friend. I see you've posted on your own thread which is an excellent idea. Keep coming back, get yourself a therapist, and reach out to close friends/family. Now is not the time to be alone.

In reply to Mimi, I think this says it all my friend: 

"He said he’s not sorry about what he’s done (being online on hookup sites or ads). He’s just sorry that he didn’t share with me and I’m upset about not knowing."

What!? In other words, "I'm only sorry you caught me." Pardon my French but he sounds like a world-class *sshole. He should be begging to win you back. I'm so sorry he couldn't even apologize. Thinking if you Mimi. Take care of yourself my friend. 

Shan I'd suggest contacting friends/family for support, calling the Straight Spouse Network: 773-413-8213, or putting out a message that you'd like to speak directly with some of the long-term members who post here. Thinking of you and your children at this terrible time.   

I wrote this as a statement for my insurance company when I had a complete breakdown during mediation with my CovertNPD Ex and was seeking what turned out to be 10 weeks of intensive (6 hours/day) therapy.   I have been reading for months, and every time I sit down with a cup of tea to take up where I left off, I read a post and think - these fantastic people are reading my mail!  I want to thank everyone who has posted here.  You may not realize it, but just posting is such an amazing demonstration of courage and resilience and SUCH a kindness to those of us who believe that we must be alone in all of this.  A million times, thank you.

My husband was the "perfect gentleman" when we were dating.  He never pressured me to have sex, and this made me feel cherished and special in a way that I hadn't in prior relationships.  He professed being a devout Christian, and that he had "accidentally" had sex once, and had the intense feeling that God was telling him that behaving in this way was "outside of God's protection."  (I don't know what that means - I didn't ask.)

He proposed to me three months after we met, and we were married 9 months later.  There was sexual dysfunction in our marriage from the wedding night on.  Our marriage was not consummated that evening, and I stayed up the whole night crying and wondering what the hell was wrong with me as my groom slept like a baby.  I considered calling my mother and maybe trying to annul the marriage, but my new husband acted like nothing was wrong, and I was just too humiliated to tell anyone about it.  I did not want to overreact to a situation that might just be the stress of the wedding or something equally benign. 
   
As it turns out, my husband was never really interested in a strong intimate relationship with me, and ten years ago, he ceased having sex with me at all.  Initially I was relieved a bit because that part of our relationship just felt degrading and unsafe in many ways, but over the years the loneliness and longing for connection was almost unbearable.  I have felt unlovable, undesirable and ugly for a decade.

My husband always kept me at arms length with his career.  From the third year of our marriage until the day he left 20 years later, he traveled at least 50% of the time for work and pleasure.  Not once in twenty years did he ask me to travel with him.  Not once in twenty years did he plan a trip for the two of us.  My husband has traveled the entire world - been to every continent except Antartica - and I have never been outside the borders of North America in my life.  My husband has met famous people.  He received an award at the Cannes Film Festival.  He has vacationed in Israel where he swam in the Dead Sea.  He has surfed in Tokyo.  He has been on the cover of a magazine.  He was selected by a top-tier business magazine to be on its corporate dream team.  He has written a book and given speeches to Fortune 500 companies and heads of state.  All the while, I was alone raising three children, enabling his abandonment, and hating myself for my choices.

Dozens and dozens of times of the course of our marriage, I tried to carefully discuss the loneliness, isolation and lack of connection.  I confessed that I needed more, and that I wanted more.  I didn’t want to be living alone as a work widow - raising three small children as a single mom.  I disclosed all of me to him, and each time I did he responded with silence, sarcasm or anger at me for feeling the way that I did.  He told me I was making too big a deal out of things, that I needed to support him in his career because his career was supporting our family.  He said that I was misunderstanding the situation or that I was interpreting things erroneously.  He often answered with, “I don’t know what to tell you”, “I have no idea what you want me to say”, or “ I have no idea what you want me to do about this.”  I was discounted and shut down, unseen, unheard, uncherished, unimportant, and invisible.

In the last year, the intensity of the abuse increased tenfold.  Over the course of six months in marriage therapy, my husband confessed that he has never been honest with me, was the adult child of a violent, abusive alcoholic father (with whom he had regular visitation until the age of 15), witnessed countless instances of domestic abuse, was shamed about sexuality, had no core values or sense of self (he had just mirrored what he thought mine were), and that he didn’t love me but “loved things about me.”  He told me that the sexual dysfunction in our marriage was my fault because I was frigid and unsupportive, and that he couldn’t stay in the marriage unless I started giving him the “four As of a healthy relationship” - which he couldn’t explain to me because he couldn’t remember what they were.  In January of last year, he came home from work and handed me divorce papers that he had already filed in court.  He completely blew up our family without even having a conversation about it.  He has never talked to me about his reasons, and he has not spoken words to me in nearly a year.

When my husband left me, he also left behind a small journal.  I recognized it as the one that he had used in therapy to take notes.  I couldn't wait to read it because I thought that it would give me insight into what was happening in his head.  The journal was weird.  Instead of recording what he was thinking, he detailed exactly what was said in each couples therapy session we had - almost verbatim like a court stenographer.  I read the journal and quickly realized that my husband had been meeting with our counsellor secretly behind my back where they discussed how to manipulate and manage me to and through divorce, and then at the same time, while in session with me, we talked about all that I needed to do to save the marriage.

At that time in counseling, so much truth had been dumped on me, I couldn’t even think of doing anything more than making it through each day.  I was numb and disillusioned and holding onto my sanity with my fingernails.  When we had particularly tough therapy sessions - those where I left crying hysterically and in shock to pick our kids up from school - the counsellor called me during the week to “check in” and make sure I was okay.  I later found in the journal that my husband was paying him to make those phone calls that they would then discuss in private sessions where I was not present.  I realize now that this was more grooming - this time on the part of the counsellor.  By pretending to keep my confidence in sessions with my husband, he was able to get more information from me to then secretly share with my husband.
 
I have kept my husband’s journal and have now read it several times.  In it, my husband and our counsellor discuss the fact that I am a sociopath and likely have narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder or dependent personality disorder.  The therapist opined that the only reason I have been able to “hide” these disorders is that I am highly intelligent, and he further posited that my sociopathy would only get worse over time and would eventually damage our children.  They also discussed coming out - although my husband has denied that he is homosexual.  They talked about my husband “going dark” and secretly planning divorce, and they acknowledged that while this deception would likely make me “go crazy pants”, eventually I will fall in line because my husband makes all the money.
 
I have been gaslighted to the point that I question my reality.  I am unsure about which portions of my marriage were real and which were just ideas that I held based on lies and deception.  While in therapy and continuing to now, I have experienced intense panic attacks, gastric distress, uncontrollable shaking, weeks of crying, night terrors, insomnia, and a flight response so intense that I just want to get in my car and drive as far as I can without using my passport so that no one can find me.
 
In reconnecting with old friends to get support at this time, I found out that about 12 years ago my husband confided in the husband of one of my friends that I was bipolar as well as mean, angry, and impossible to live with.  That rumor circulated through our friend group and caused the loss of many friendships - further isolating me and making me question whether I was worthy of relationship at all.

(and then because my insurance company denied coverage because I had not yet attempted suicide...)
Your assessment states that I am not suicidal, and you are correct - not because I want to live but because I am too afraid to end my own life.  I do not want to live the life ahead of me.  There is no joy in my current circumstances, and all I see in my future is work and struggle.  I may not want to slit my wrists, but I want to run screaming from my life every day.  It is a good thing that I am such a coward about death.

That was written in August of 2018; I entered my program in September and received treatment until mid November.  Last week, I signed divorce papers.  My GIDex still has access to me through our children, and the abuse continues in ways big and small, but at least now I see it, acknowledge it and am able to see that it is not about me. There were tons of red flags - all of the ones that y'all have shared.  Again, a million thanks for your stories and for allowing me space to tell and own mine.

Thank you for reading the monumentally long post.

Last edited by allens (February 9, 2019 5:18 pm)

oh, leaving the journal was definitely a mistake.  and it is probably the only reason why our divorce did not go to court. mr. perfect does want his sins on public display. =0

it only took 300hrs of therapy to get me here.  shame is a powerful silencer, and then shame thrives in silence. 

I did report the therapist... however, I live in Ga... so we report ethics violations to the sec. of state and that means it ran through Brian Kemp's office.  I think he was so busy fixing the governor's race here that he didn't even look at the evidence - ruling that they did not believe that there was an ethics violation "serious enough to warrant action."  ugh.

I appreciate all of your posts in this thread - I have legit read them all. =)

Last edited by allens (February 9, 2019 5:16 pm)

Thank you for posting Allens and Ongoingthoughts (I'll write "OGT") for short. Allens I won't comment at length on your post because you haven't asked for any commentary my friend. But please feel free to reach out if you have any questions. In response to OGT's post: 

1. This is my first time to post and I've been struggling for a while.

I'm very sorry that you're struggling and hope you find the answers you're looking for. 

2. A couple months ago my husband in a drunken state, finally admitted he was attracted to guys a "to the point that he thought he was bi" and has been since high school.

Ok. I've read similar stories from previous members. 

3. We got into a big fight, he begged me back and I thought we could fix it. In the past months, I have found gay porn (mostly nude images), he's been watching gay movies (guys falling in love with other men), looking at guys online, looking at male parts on Youtube and seems to be obsessed with the male body.

Understood. This strongly suggests he's gay. 

4. He's been hiding all of this. He keeps denying that he's gay and get offended when it's brought up. He said he just likes looking at them and doesn't want to do anything with them.

Bullsh*t. That's like saying, "I spend all my time looking at photos of chocolate cakes, watching 'how to bake a cake' videos, and I'm an active member of a cake baker's website. But I swear to God that I'll NEVER bake nor eat a chocolate cake. I'm just curious about cakes but I'll never act on it." Sound absurd? That's because it is. Similarly, no straight man would spend so much of his free time watching gay content. Hiding it also shows guilt and shame.  

3. He still wants to have sex with me, likes my boobs and wants to stay together/fight for me and us, which makes me confused.

I can imagine. Most gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) want to be straight which is why we marry women. We marry and have children to prove to ourselves and others that we're 100% straight. However, the proof is in the bedroom. He can want to be straight and even act straight, but over time, a gay man simply cannot perform with a woman in the bedroom. Why? Because we're not sexually attracted to women. Based on my personal experience and based on my exchanges here, most GIDHs stop having sex with their wives in their late 30s or early 40s. This is often after about 15-17 years of marriage. And most gay/straight marriages are (sexually) troubled almost from the start. My point is now that you've confronted him, he'll probably try like hell to have sex with you to "prove" that he's straight. I've previously referred to this as a "honeymoon" phase. If he's gay, it will eventually taper off after about 6-12 weeks. 

4. I think he's gay, just in denial. I think that I'm the only women that he loves, but is really attracted to men.

I'd go with your intuition my friend. 

5. It's hurting me he wouldn't come out and it's hurting me that he can't be true to himself or be truthful to me. I don't know what to do or what to think. Help?

Here is a link to this forum's "First Aid Kit/Getting Started" page: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217. I'd suggest following the steps provided. As for my suggestions, I'd recommend you: 

a. Focus on yourself and your feelings FIRST. Don't fall down the rabbit hole of defining his sexuality because that's a black hole. 
b. Get tested immediately for STDs. Trust me, most GIDHs are doing much more than just watching videos.
c. Get therapy for you and you alone, preferably with a therapist who has experience with gay/straight relationships and narcissim.
d. Read up on narcissism because most GIDHs are also black-belt manipulators/narcissists.
e. Create your own thread and post here for the next 60-90 days. The kind members here can provide much needed support.
f. Reach out to close friends or family to discuss your issues. Now is not the time to deal with this alone.

I hope that helps my friend. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to post again. Be well!  

Last edited by Séan (February 11, 2019 2:07 pm)