Mimi,
 I'm not Sean, but I can tell you that when you are in a situation in which your spouse says "I don't have a crystal ball" he is unwilling to offer you any certainty, and you will be living in a situation in which you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I lived in a similar situation with my trans-identified ex, who early on told me he had decided to live his woman self at home with me in the bedroom but stay in the closet otherwise--but wouldn't rule out additional feminizing activities in the future.
     If you are going to live with that eventuality as part of the reality of your marriage, your marriage has to have open and frequent communication about how he's feeling on that score, because without knowledge, you can't decide what is the best for you to do.  And I would suggest you not leave this communication to chance or to his initiating, but to have regular joint sessions with a professional scheduled, specifically to talk about that issue: his same sex attraction.  My ex clammed up and wouldn't talk, and when I broached the topic, would take it as an attack.  This tactic kept me silent, and he got what he wanted.  I suggest to you that your husband's criticism of you--that you aren't caring, are unsupportive, etc--is a way for him to keep you in the wrong and off balance, so he can continue as he has.
   That he says these things to you and engages in blaming and blameshifting suggests that he will not be honest or enter into open and honest communication.  You might also ask yourself: If he thinks you are so unsupportive, contribute nothing to the marriage, or know how to give love, why does he want to stay married to you?  

Thank you everyone for posting. In reply to Mimi: 

1. I had an update on my situation and wanted to get your thoughts on it. My husband has been apologizing a lot for what he’s been putting me through. Which is a deep depression. I’ve been feeling very low since my discovery. He’s been very loving, affectionate, caring and apologetic. (Which I’m afraid is just a phase but who knows).

I've always believed that depression is a kind of re-set period during which denial melts away as we (slowly) start to accept reality. It sounds like he's very afraid of losing you. 

2. He really wants us to go to couples therapy.

We've all tried couples therapy, with mixed results. This is only my opinion my friend, but couples therapy suggests there is something wrong with both of you, when clearly your husband and his sexual identity issues are the sole cause of your relationship problems. Let's look at this from a different perspective. You already know how to swim. It's your husband who's flailing around in the deep end. He's drowning. You're not. And now he wants you to both take swimming lessons. If/when you get back into the water again, what's going to happen? He'll clamp on to you for dear life and then you'll be swimming for two...or worse you'll drown together. Perhaps your husband should learn to swim on his own. So I'd suggest he attend solo therapy for at least 2-3 months before you attempt couples therapy again. To attempt couples therapy too soon will likely result in him blaming you for most of your marital problems. 

3. Keeps promising that he’s never been with a guy. It was all out of curiosity and online. (Except for that one time years ago that was just talking).  He admits to being bisexual, yet all his “exploration” have been with men. When I asked him about that he said “well I had you, my wife for the other side. Why would I explore women?”. When I told him what if 5 years from now, you come out and decide to actually act on your bisexuality with men, he said “I don’t have a crystal ball. But this very moment I have very little curiosity about men.”

Right now he's drowning so I reckon he'll say/do anything to keep you. The facts are irrefutable: your husband watches gay porn; was on gay hookup sites for years; and he's been with one man (and likely many more). By his own admission, he's never cheated on you with women, and he's almost certainly had sex with men.  

4. He’s been wanting to come back to our room and sleep in same bed. Tells me that us sleeping separately is only going to distant us. The other day when he got tired of me being so depressed he said:  “you always wanted to leave and you are just using this as an excuse.”

That's a red flag my friend. It sounds a lot like he's punishing you for having boundaries, namely separate rooms. He's also blame shifting, "you always wanted to leave." Why isn't he taking more of the blame? I'd stand firm on separate rooms, until you're ready to make a decision. A normal and compassionate person would understand why you need the space. I'd recommend telling him that you need at least three (3) months in separate rooms, perhaps while he's in solo therapy. I'd further tell him that only you get to decide if/when you sleep together again. 

5. We’ve both been unhappy and for past few years and on top of that I’ve been sexually unsatisfied too. I was ready to separate this past year (not knowing) but then decided to give it another chance. Throughout the last few years when our marriage was rocky, he would say "you don’t know how to give love to people around you. You are not supportive, not caring. You don’t contribute anyway to our marriage (by not bringing kids.)”  Those were the reasons I was ready to leave but I gave it a chance until I had this discovery about his bisexuality two months ago.

Pardon my French but he's being a complete *sshole about this. He was jerking off to gay porn. He was on the hookup sites. He hooked up with another man. None of this is your fault. I'd tell him to stop with the blame game. You deserve more respect. Remember, he's drowning. He's the one with the sexuality identity issues. He's the one who can't tell the truth. You're fine. 

6. My question to you is that, do you think couples therapy would help analyze his sexuality as well?

While I'm not a mental health professional, I do know a thing or two about denial. I no longer have any questions whatsoever about your husband's sexuality my friend. He's gay and he's clearly lying both to you and himself about his gay infidelities. I don't have a lot of information, but your husband apparently blames you for being gay, for his gay porn habits, and for hooking up with men. This is complete and utter bullsh*t. He watched gay porn. He cheated. And he lied to you about it. He was born gay. None of this is your fault. You didn't hold a gun to his head to do any of these things. Everything he's done was voluntary. I'd suggest continuing with individual therapy because right now you need to focus on you. Once you feel strong enough, confident enough, and serene enough, perhaps then you can try couples therapy.  

7. We still do our own solo therapy and only went once to couples therapy but I feel that maybe by going to more sessions we get a better understanding of why we are where we are. A good therapist can maybe analyze everything and tell us if we have a chance or not. I know you went to couples therapy too. How did that work out for you guys?

I agree with OOHC's post/suggestions. You're where you are because your husband is likely a closeted gay man who watches gay porn and cheats on you with men. Right now I believe you're both too emotionally fragile to continue with couples therapy. Look we've all tried joint counselling to save our relationships so I'm not judging you my friend. So why not be proactive? You should find a non-religious counsellor who has experience with gay/straight relationships. (Yes your husband is gay.) Then set an appointment for mid-March or mid-April, or roughly 2-3 months from now. While awaiting your first appointment, you can continue sleeping in separate rooms while also continuing with solo therapy. During this break, you should also start doing things purely for yourself. After all, it's not all about him. Go out with good friends. Do an activity you love (sports, dancing, movies). Take a weekend trip. And please talk to your friends and family about your situation. Enjoy the breathing space and free yourself of his secrets by sharing them openly and honestly. If/when you do attempt couples therapy, his sexuality should absolutely be the focus.      

8. Also, should I go back to being intimate with him? Maybe that’s another way to also test?

Risky. This sounds a lot like bargaining so I'd read up on co-dependency and the stages of grief. Before having sex, I'd get tested for STDs and demand that he do the same. And if you do attempt sex again, use condoms. If he asks why, you can honestly say: "There is a very good chance you've had sex with men and I don't want to catch anything." If you do have sex with him again, you wouldn't be the only one. We all have physical needs and gay-in-denial husbands are often on a mission to prove how straight they are. So please don't feel guilty if you do have sex during this "honeymoon" phase. Hope that helps my friend. 

In response to Leah's post: 

9. Thanks Sean, I do think he is bisexual and yes he is a cheating liar at the very least and has done me a favour, but after such a long marriage it is hard to readjust and the loss is more acute during the holidays for sure.  

Of course. I too missed having the wife and kids at home, even though pretending to be straight was killing me. 

10. I'm three years now separated, then divorced, but it is like the gift that just keeps giving....and I have hit a rough patch, so thank you for your wise words.  

I'm just a gay ex-husband posting here my friend. If you haven't already done so, I'd reach out to a fellow member or the Straight Spouse Network to find a "sponsor" of sorts - someone you can talk to when you're feel vulnerable. 

11. I haven't contacted his new wife.  She is a lawyer from NYC with no children, and apparently 'understands' him, so I think she has chosen with information at hand.  He is getting a free ride now.... from a woman who leaves him money and time to do as he pleases.  So yes, not my problem.  Ugh. 

Good for you for keeping your distance. No need to kick that hornet's nest my friend. You'll only get stung. Again I'd suggest finding a friend/sponsor who has been through all of this. Talking to someone can often be a huge help.

Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (January 8, 2019 4:25 pm)

It seems like from the majority of the stories on here that bisexuality is usually just a half-step towards admitting the full truth.

lily wrote:

And it seems to me that the bisexual women are also basically attracted to women - you never hear oh I was in a lesbian relationship for twenty years and then I couldn't take it any more and needed a man, but you hear lots of it the other way round.

To me the idea of being basically attracted both ways is like saying my feet face in both directions.  

 

Lily, your post makes me wonder how different it could be to be with someone who is 100% heterosexual. I've heard several people on here describe that it was night and day difference. Something to look forward to....

Sean, I just wanted to say Thank you. I have not posted much lately. Today my divorce was final. It has been one year since I discovered TGT, in my 44 years of marriage. The pain is overwhelming, the sadness unbearable, but I knew when I discovered TGT, my marriage was over.

Every word and response you have shared on this thread was true of my GIDXH. I will try to summarize:

He claims in his early 40's he started to fantasize about having anal sex with a man.
He looks at gay porn magazines, uses anal dildos.
He claims only one sexual encounter with a man and contracted hepatitis B. 
He claims it was only an experiment.
He claims "he was "bicurious", then, "Bisexual", then he claims he never said that.
He claims he was raped by 3-4 men, then claims he never said that.
When I lead him to believe we could open up our marriage to satisfy his needs, he confessed he wanted to satisfy his needs with a man once a month and that a young guy would be a turn on for him. He told me he fantasized about me being with another man. (What kind of man can say such hurtful things to his wife?) 

During the past year, I begged him to tell me the truth, he never did. He continued to lie. But when I searched his phone, I discovered he was going to adults sex shops, and googling gay bars. 

All of our conversations were all about him, him and his needs. The gas lighting, the blame shifting, lies and lies and more lies. 

He was even able to manipulate his Therapist into believing that he just had an "anal fetish" and he was not gay. And manipulated me into meeting with his therapist who shared her diagnosis of "anal fetish'!!

I now see him as narcissistic and manipulating. But he can also be so charming, everyone likes him. 

Anyways, now my energy and focus has now shifted, it is no longer about him, it is all about me now. I am doing my best to make myself a priority. He has just worn me out, I can't fix him. I may still love him, but I am moving on. Letting go. Searching for happiness. I just want to be happy. I have made new friends, joined volunteer groups, and just signed up for a single cruise. Onward.

Thank you , Sean. You helped me face my reality and you gave me a kick in the ass.....move on.

Love to you. Always, Cindy

(I initially signed on as cindys, and changed to violated because my H discovered my cindys thread, so I changed password)