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October 13, 2018 5:10 pm  #1171


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

I don’t get it Penny, where is the good in any of the above? You’re just being gaslit, confused and marginalised in your own marriage. And of course he’s gay. Trouble is you’ve been subjected to the slow creep of normalisation of all this behaviour. In a straight marriage you would absolutely have none of this. In an honest relationship you would have none of this. Stop giving him credit...how about you start giving yourself and your intuition a bit of credit?

 

October 13, 2018 6:01 pm  #1172


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for sharing Penny & Duped. Penny I think you should focus on why you feel such an overwhelming need to save your lying, cheating, and porn-addicted gay husband. Given your recent posts, I reckon you're a conclusion looking for facts: namely for some reason you so want to stay with this broken man that you're willing to see his recent interest in gardening and therapy as some sort of new beginning. I've taken the liberty of reading through some of your other posts through which you appear to be going to extraordinary lengths to justify your husband's gay porn habits. Looking at the facts: you are not happy in your marriage; your sex life isn't making you happy; and there is strong evidence your husband is gay-in-denial. Again, I'd recommend you focus on yourself and healing why you feel such an overwhelming need to stay with such a broken man. I'm sorry if that stings my friend but I'd put all of the time and energy you're focusing on your husband into healing you. I hope that helps. 

Last edited by Sean (October 13, 2018 6:02 pm)

 

October 13, 2018 7:21 pm  #1173


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Duped and Sean,

One of the traits I know about myself is that I have the ability to look at not only my perspective but those around me. It has been a strength in what I do for a living but like with any strength there is a downside - both of you pretty much spotted what that is. It means I can get frozen with indecision and what I want or need fades into the background. Basically - I don’t back or trust myself. I have a strong suspicion  that taking this step of leaving a very long time troubled marriage where there haven’t been many days I haven’t fantasised about leaving, is a step toward finding the NO in myself.

Thank you both for taking time out to give me a cyber-slap (with love and care of course).

It’s why I kept posting rather than fading away and just giving in because it’s too hard.

 

October 14, 2018 5:05 am  #1174


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Penny there is no right nor wrong in anyone's journey my friend. In fact, I applaud you for coming back, asking questions, and continuing to focus on yourself. Please keep in mind that we all started from somewhere. Hell, I spent most of my life denying I was gay so I know a thing or two about denial. With that in mind, let's focus on the facts:

1.  You want to separate/divorce: "I’ve decided I want more. I’m 48 and I deserve to have intimacy and the healthy sex life that I want. I’m tired of accepting crumbs...I realised that either he doesn’t care about me or he can’t help himself because he’s gay - either scenario doesn’t look good for me." Very few of us just up and leave our relationships. We all hesitated, I certainly did. My own bargaining stage lasted about 18 months before we separated. 

2. Your husband is in a downward spiral: Your husband has a drinking problem, you're no longer intimate, and his main sexual outlet appears to be watching/reading gay porn...something he's done for years. "It meant that my instincts are solid and just seeing all those searches, and articles in literotica about being bi-curious, wanting to suck dick and be submissive, first time gay experiences ad nauseam - meant I wasn’t crazy and being paranoid.  I took photos of them."  

3. You feel an overwhelming need to fix or heal your husband: "I’ve turned myself inside out being the fixer of this marriage." I wouldn't be too hard on yourself my friend. And why? This seems to be common among straight spouses, who suffer through decades of emotional abuse, neglect (both in and out of the bedroom), and faint hope that things will get better. 

4. Sensing you're really serious about leaving this time, he's making (lame) efforts to keep you:  There are two ways to interpret his recent interests in therapy and gardening. The first is that he's making a real effort to change because he wants to keep you. The second is that he's doing the bare minimum, for the shortest amount of time, to keep you in this broken relationship. I tend to see the latter my friend. After all, this was apparently your therapist. I reckon you probably made initial contact, likely booked his appointment, and may have even driven him there. These aren't criticisms, just common things that happen in gay/straight marriages. Once again, you're doing most of the heavy lifting to save your relationship. 

5. Your husband has very deftly put the onus back on you to fix your relationship. This is complete bullsh*t: Most gay-in-denial husbands are black-belt manipulators. I certainly was. Most gay (or gay-in-denial) men are aware they are different around age 5 or 6. This was my experience as well. From a very young age, Iearned how to dazzle, distract, and manipulate others so that they wouldn't ask me the terrifying question: "Are you gay?" So let me come to the point. Given what you shared: "She told him that watching/reading gay porn in and of itself doesn’t mean he is gay- she asked him about our sex life and he told her some of it but not all - not the dominating fantasies, dildoes etc. but the impotence, our pattern of me giving him a handjob and him giving me oral sex.  He said she commented that this was sex and intimacy, and to his credit he said it had turned into just relief rather than any deep intimate connection."

First, you have no idea what this therapist told him. There is a very good chance that he's making this all up because it very neatly plays to the (false) narrative, "Yes I've jerked off to gay porn for decades, but I'm still 100% straight." Um no. No matter what the vast and wildly inaccurate internet says, as a gay man I can very confidently share that: straight men want to have sex with their wives; straight men watch straight porn; and straight men read straight erotica (erotic literature). Gay men, on the other hand, have sex with other men, watch gay porn, and sometimes read gay erotica. Second, why omit such important details like "I enjoy dildos up my *ss."? I reckon it's because this was simply too damning information that he's gay-in-denial and he knew it. That's why he didn't mention it. Gay men enjoy sex with other men and this includes anal sex. Straight men do not. Third, your husband is using an old standard in the "I'm a straight victim in all of this gay stuff." Abuse. With a straight face (please excuse the pun), your husband is now claiming that seeing a man masturbate 38 years ago explains his gay porn addiction. You wrote: "He is now making the link between his gay porn and an incident when he was in his 20’s where an older man masturbated in front of him. He has told me this before but added in the “I’m going to be honest, I wondered what it would be like”. I’m wondering if linking this for him (an incident that occurred 38 years ago) is an attempt to understand, or just a lame excuse." I vote for very lame excuse my friend. And there is a very real possibility this story is complete bullsh*t.     


So what's my point? I'd continue posting Penny because through regular posts, you will be able to honestly and objectively see whether your relationship improves or not. The goal for all straight spouses is to have husbands who love, cherish, and truly desire them. Please don't lose sight of that goal. YOU and YOUR feelings are the most important elements here...not his drinking, gay spank websites, nor his (potentially bullsh*t) stories about being traumatized seeing some guy jerk off 40 years ago. I want to caution that I'm only expressing my opinions my friend, I'm not a mental health professional. That said, I've seen this pattern before. You're now seriously considering separation/divorce, so he's making a very minimal effort to keep you. Moreover, he's probably playing you by casting himself as some sort of helpless victim in all of this when YOU and your children are the victims: of his neglect, alcoholism, and emotional abuse. Don't forget that my friend. YOU are suffering because of him. You are suffering because of his lies. I reckon most straight wives move on when they realize: their husbands are gay; were born gay; married to hide their sexuality; there is nothing they can do to change their husband's sexuality; and they deserve so much better. If you want a virtual pep talk, I'd reach out and perhaps have a telephone call with Kel. She's been through all of this, knows all the gay-in-denial tricks, and is now thriving with a straight man who truly wants her. There comes a time in all gay/straight relationships where the straight spouse finally accepts that a cat is NEVER going to bark. Gay men like men and want to have sex with men, period. No amount of therapy, lawn work, nor excuses are going to change the fundamental fact that straight women are better off with straight men. 

I hope that helps my friend. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 14, 2018 6:56 am)

 

October 14, 2018 4:54 pm  #1175


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

As usual Sean, you nail it! 
I love your honesty and am so thankful for all your time and input. The thing I still get riled up about is how often flat out gay behaviour is normalized to those that claim they are straight. Example is the so called experts they claim straight married men that hook up with each other are really straight. This sounds like BS, because it seems the men doing this are in a constant state of trolling for that type of sex. Meanwhile the wives are getting nothing. Anyway, just my complaint and to say that you seem more the expert than they do.
 


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

October 14, 2018 9:19 pm  #1176


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hey Sean, I am so appreciative of the time you take to respond to not only my posts but others on here as well. And in such detail. Thank you.

As I’m writing on my phone it’s too difficult to quote all the parts of your considered response and respond to each one.

However I have reread it a few times, and you make a lot of sense on much of it. The only part that wasn’t correct was the part about the therapist - yes I gave him her name and cell (I’ve never used her, just know of her through work) and suggested he talk to someone because he was in such distress - I didn’t think he would ring her on the same day and leave early from work to go see her. She was concerned about how he sounded on the phone to her so saw him straight away. You are right - I can’t know what he/she said in the appointment. He sounded genuine but who knows. The gardening task in our neglected and overgrown back yard (metaphor for our marriage?) was a task she set for him to achieve - obviously as a way for him to focus on something else as he also hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol for over a week. No drunken passing out this week. However, I’m not naïve enough to think this may be long term for him - I suspect it is part of being ‘good’ while I’m still in the house and while he thinks there may be a glimmer of hope.

He is still being somewhat of a ‘sad sausage’ (thanks OOHC) and he is being very passive - in the back of my mind is the sense that it mirrors his submissive slave fantasy - “I’ve been bad so now I have to please her”.  There is just something a little contrived and disingenuous about I can’t quite put my finger on.

I have to admit I am intrigued by him bringing up that past incident with the masturbating man - as like you say, who even knows if that’s all that happened. Makes me wonder - why did this man choose him to do that to? What else happened? But I will never know that, and it doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. He probably wouldn’t tell the whole truth anyway - he can be sparing with that.

Bottom line is that it’s too early to know if these changes are for real and a genuine attempt to understand himself, or they are temporary until I ‘come to my senses’ so to speak. My gut is saying that if I told him I’d decided to stay tomorrow - then these new behaviours would slowly disappear to the same old shit and I would once again be trapped and sick - and our fraught sex life and the different things we enjoy is never going to change. Unless one of us pretends, or we sweep everything under the rug, as we have in the past. The only thing that could possibly change that is if by some miracle he worked through his anxiety around intimacy and was able to be fully sexual with me and didn’t need all the rest of that shit. Can’t see that happening though.

One thing I did see, and you will probably tell me off for spying, but old habits die hard. I looked at his search history in fb and saw he had searched for his first love the day after I confronted him. There is a long story to that, in that they conducted an EA online for years - lots of “her- we will be together again this life or the next”(bleuch) and him reminiscing about their years together and giving her a song he knew I loved and thought was special for me. Anyway, I confronted him a few years ago and called it what it was and told him to defriend her and he was to have no contact. I told her to bugger off too. It was another escape for him - a fantasy relationship.  To steal your line Sean - What is my point? He does shitty things to avoid feeling distress. A total inability to just front up. THAT is what I’m sick of. It’s turned me into this spying mistrustful person because I can never get honesty from him. And interestingly enough, he couldn’t see how that relationship was inappropriate. He remained slightly resentful at taking his ‘friend’ away from him.

You know, this weekend past I went for two long walks and then climbed these steep steps near where I live because I want to move my body again. I hardly watched any Netflix and felt moments of sadness but also peace at the prospect of getting off this crazy train. I inquired about a fully furnished apartment I could just move into - and the relief and happiness I felt at that possibility was strong. I am taking care of myself for the first time in a long time, including not overeating and feeling depressed. And that is because I am just leaving him to get on with what he needs to, and I have the space to focus on me.

I am off overseas in a couple of days for a few days with my mother - it will be a nice break and time away from it all.

Thanks once again Sean. And to everyone else who is weighing in and keeping it real.

Last edited by PennyD (October 14, 2018 9:24 pm)

 

October 15, 2018 2:14 am  #1177


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for your messages Scrupulous & Penny. Penny I think you're now ready to hear some blunt truths about your husband. So buckle up my friend: 

1. One thing I did see, and you will probably tell me off for spying, but old habits die hard. I looked at his search history in fb and saw he had searched for his first love the day after I confronted him. There is a long story to that, in that they conducted an EA online for years - lots of “her- we will be together again this life or the next”(bleuch) and him reminiscing about their years together and giving her a song he knew I loved and thought was special for me. Anyway, I confronted him a few years ago and called it what it was and told him to defriend her and he was to have no contact. I told her to bugger off too. It was another escape for him - a fantasy relationship.  To steal your line Sean - What is my point? He does shitty things to avoid feeling distress. A total inability to just front up. THAT is what I’m sick of. It’s turned me into this spying mistrustful person because I can never get honesty from him. And interestingly enough, he couldn’t see how that relationship was inappropriate. He remained slightly resentful at taking his ‘friend’ away from him.

Good for you! I say spy away my friend as it sounds like the only way you'll get the truth from this toxic *sshole. Penny your husband isn't some tragic, whiskey-sodden victim who needs saving. He's not some helpless ladybug on its back. He's actually a very calculating and manipulative person...more like a leech. When you threatened to leave, he did was most narcissists do: he started looking for another "host." And yes I used the term "host" because gay-in-denial husbands are really parasites. Rather than apologize for his completely unacceptable online cheating, he was pissed that he got caught. He's also pissed you had the audacity to call "bullsh*t" on his gay-porn addiction. And why? Because no matter how many online studies and bullsh*t articles he shares with you, the truth is that straight men don't jerk off to gay porn...but gay-in-denial husbands do. 

2. He told her about his excessive drinking and the damage he’s done to his family with that. Anyway, long story short - his anxiety and shitty coping skills to manage difficult emotions he often doesn’t realise he’s having seem to lead him to self harming behaviours such as binge drinking and looking for sexual release in gay porn - which was kicked off relatively late in life for him, preceded by submissive fantasies, excitement around pegging (which I realised was my idea as I knew he’d like it and I was trying to be Miss Adventurous and sexually open but only did it once, hating it) and to his credit he never pushed me about it.

Please find a therapist who has experience with gay/straight relationships and narcissism. You've been played once again my friend. The pegging wasn't your idea, it was his idea all along. What straight wife would just spontaneously suggest: "Hey my fantasy is to act like a guy in the bedroom. And by the way I really want to shove a dildo up your *ss. It's been a lifelong dream of mine really. I'm so excited!" Um no. While I'm sure some women enjoy playing the dominatrix with submissive men, I reckon most straight wives just want husbands who growl when they walk by, want to have sex with them, and are turned on by their bodies. Straight men like sex with women. Gay men like your husband watch gay porn and can't get it up with women because they're simply not attracted to women's bodies. Only a toxic narcissist would manipulate you to do what he wants, namely shove sex toys up his *ss, make you feel like it's your idea, and then make you feel guilty about it. Repeat after me: it was his idea all along my friend. Again, I can't stress how manipulative and dangerous this guy is.   


3. The gardening task in our neglected and overgrown back yard (metaphor for our marriage?) was a task she set for him to achieve - obviously as a way for him to focus on something else as he also hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol for over a week. No drunken passing out this week. However, I’m not naïve enough to think this may be long term for him - I suspect it is part of being ‘good’ while I’m still in the house and while he thinks there may be a glimmer of hope.

I don't think he deserves a medal for mowing the lawn once and staying sober for the first weekend in 10 years. He's doing this because he's scared about being alone and having to fend for himself after you've done everything for most of your relationship. It won't last. I'd give it a month or two then you'll be back to weekend binge drinking and zero intimacy. Please keep in mind that he's also probably scouring Facebook for former girlfriends now that you're finally getting ready to dump this loser. 

4. I have to admit I am intrigued by him bringing up that past incident with the masturbating man - as like you say, who even knows if that’s all that happened. Makes me wonder - why did this man choose him to do that to? What else happened? But I will never know that, and it doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. He probably wouldn’t tell the whole truth anyway - he can be sparing with that. ​

Penny the man didn't choose him, because your husband wasn't some helpless victim. Your husband was probably in some porn shop or peep show actively looking to hook up with other guys. He's not the victim my friend and never was...you're the victim in this situation. Most gay husbands have also been having sex with men for years before they get caught. It's time to flip the script: he's likely doing much more than just spanking to gay porn. He's also likely cheating on you. He's the abuser and you've been manipulated/abused for most of this terrible marriage. It's high time to stop making excuses for this toxic, alcoholic, lying *sshole. 

5. You know, this weekend past I went for two long walks and then climbed these steep steps near where I live because I want to move my body again. I hardly watched any Netflix and felt moments of sadness but also peace at the prospect of getting off this crazy train. I inquired about a fully furnished apartment I could just move into - and the relief and happiness I felt at that possibility was strong. I am taking care of myself for the first time in a long time, including not overeating and feeling depressed. And that is because I am just leaving him to get on with what he needs to, and I have the space to focus on me.
I am off overseas in a couple of days for a few days with my mother - it will be a nice break and time away from it all.

Good for you! I applaud you for getting off his crazy train and looking for a new apartment. Question: why do you have to move out? Why doesn't he get the f*ck out of your house? Time spent with a narcissist always results in the same feelings: self-doubt; guilt; and you feel crazy/disoriented. I'm going to predict that your toxic husband is now grooming your mum and family..."Penny just isn't the same. I'm worried about her. She doesn't seem herself." I'd recommend sharing everything with your mom and, while away on holiday, cutting off all contact with your soon-to-be-ex husband. But be ready: he'll bombard you with messages or texts and if he's really feeling desperate, he'll create some drama like a fake suicide attempt or health scare. Why? So that you fall back into the role of caretaker. Don't fall for it! Please read up on narcissism so that you're ready for his next bag of tricks. Keep in mind that narcissists are not Bond-like supervillians. Most of them are actually pretty lazy and just latch on to kind, caring people like you who deserve so much better. You're not a victim any more my friend. You're a f*cking warrior princess. Imagine how great your life will be without this drunk, closeted loser constantly bringing you down. Imagine a lifetime of freedom, sex with a man who is truly attracted to you, and happiness. So if you start to feel pity for your husband and a need to save him, after all old habits die hard, just remember that gay-in-denial husbands don't love their wives; they love the cover a straight beard provides. 

I hope that doesn't sting too much my friend. I reckon it's time to get yourself to therapy, read up on narcissism, and get one step ahead of this very toxic, manipulative man. Good luck! Please keep us posted. 

Last edited by Sean (October 15, 2018 9:02 am)

 

October 17, 2018 12:40 am  #1178


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Hi Sean/ALL 

So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts because he doesn't always take his ANTI dep meds ) right up unil our engagement. He fell in love waay too fast! 6 months into our relationship he was ready to propose. I stopped him and convinced him to wait it out. Finally he attempted again April of this year and I said yes. It went downhill from there. No porn/ grindr discoveries, internet searches and no talking to other guys/meetups  (I am always using his phone) and he literally works desk job, comes home and vegges out, but I noticed he loved watching RuPauls Drag Race, Grace and Frankie and caught him one time laying naked watching some skivvies band with men and women in underwear on youtube....I kinda brushed it off cus hes always naked when hes at home...His depressive bouts/drinking then increased from every other month to almost weekly. When Id ask him whats going on he kept talking about his childhood molestation ruining him and fears of not being able to satisfy me the way I deserve once were married because he's got ED (hes 45), I told him that wasnt a concern and we'd work on it together. The weeks passed, the depressive bouts progressed.  Still very loving and attentive at times but more isolated and distant. And kisses were only quick pecks. Then one super drunken night he texted me to watch "Love, Simon" then texted then next day"...this is difficult, but I am gay" After that I empathized with him and assured him I loved him but we could no longer pursue a romantic relationship as I do not have the appropriate "appendages" he desires (LOL) but we could still be friends and I wasn't mad at him. He then went to his lowest depression and drinking phase which landed him in ER. He wouldnt bathe, eat or leave his bed according to his family, since I dumped him. After he stabilized, we met for dinner a week ago. He hugged me so tight I thought I was going to die and he started sobbing! He couldnt get over how "beautiful" I was since he hadnt seen me in 2 months. He then says he made things seem too "black and white" when they arent. He says he's "not gay, but attracted to both" and although he "struggles at times with thoughts", is 100% committed to me only. He cannot accept me not being his wife and says he will try until he dies to regain my trust. He feels although he has this struggle there are many ways 2 people who love each other can express and enjoy intimacy. Whatever that means. He can be aroused with male on male thoughts  but hetero..he just cant get it up. I mean we havent tried together, we arent sexually active for moral reasons, and his fear is, since his last sexual encounter was years ago and with a man, he may have issues getting it up with me although hes "extremely attracted to me" as he puts it. I listened all night, we had a good talk but I gave him his ring back and told him that although we can never say never, that right now he should focus on his health and we can still be best friends and go from there. He seemed ok by the end of the night although he was crushed. He sent a few drunk texts begging for me to not let this go, then couple days later he checked into rehab for a 6 week program. He gets out mid November. He's hoping that Im still waiting on the other side when he gets out. He's not accepting the friendship route at all. Im super confused. Half of me is like run for the hills this guy is gay in denial! The other half is still in love with the dope
Sorry for long story. I guess my questions are:
Would a gay man be this heartbroken over a straight partner leaving them? I mean he was actively in that lifestyle for years and his family and friends knew and accepted it. He wouldn't lose anything but me if he went back to that but he doesn't want to
Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love? Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation?
 How can he be attracted to both when he can get sexually around thinking of men but not really with women? Is he just a confused depressed guy? Am I crazy for even considering pursuing knowing that there isnt much success with monogamous MOMs even if hes not a known cheater?

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 1:15 am)

 

October 17, 2018 2:06 am  #1179


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Thanks for writing Calishocked, although I'm very sorry you've found yourself here. Please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional, so my comments are just personal opinions. In response to your questions:

1. Would a gay man be this heartbroken over a straight partner leaving them? I mean he was actively in that lifestyle for years and his family and friends knew and accepted it. He wouldn't lose anything but me if he went back to that but he doesn't want to. 

Yes a gay man (and potential gay-in-denial narcissist) can act heartbroken for losing his straight "beard" because he's sexually gay, yet emotionally straight. What I mean is that although your former boyfriend desperately wants to be straight, he's Rupaul's Dragrace gay. This isn't a lifestyle: we're born gay. Please also keep in mind that in a weak moment he texted you: "...this is difficult, but I am gay." As Maya Angelou so famously said, "When people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!" So his sexuality isn't up for debate. He's gay and no amount of rehab, prayer, nor sheer force of will can change that.  


2. Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love?

He's not just gay-in-denial (GID) my friend. In your words, he's also divorced, an alcoholic, and manic depressive. As a fellow member often writes, RUN! Run like your hair is on fire. Please keep in mind that most GID men don't love anything but their closets. So he sees you as more of a host, or perhaps cover, not as a life partner.   

3. Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation?


I reckon you're bargaining with reality here. And that sounds like, "Well if he's bi, then there's a chance..." Wrong. Again, he's admitted to being gay, can't have sex with women like you, and in your words "hetero..he just cant get it up." So let's recap the facts again: he's a divorced, alcoholic, closeted gay man, who has already dated men, and he'll probably never be able to have sex with you. Don't marry this man. 

4. 
How can he be attracted to both when he can get sexually around thinking of men but not really with women? Is he just a confused depressed guy?

He's emotionally attracted to women and loves the cover they provide by being in a fake straight relationship. Clearly, he's not sexually attracted to women like you and has admitted to being gay. So he's just another gay guy who wants to be straight...perhaps for religious, family, or other reasons.  

5. Am I crazy for even considering pursuing knowing that there isn't much success with monogamous MOMs even if he's not a known cheater?


I reckon he's cheated A LOT and is just projecting what he did on others. It's a classic gay-in-denial tactic: namely being homophobic when closeted or accusing others of cheating when they likely cheated. Mentally ill people often project their own bad behaviours (or sins) on others. When we apply for a job, we have to provide references. If this man is now a candidate to be your life-long husband, and despite all of the red flags (like his depression, alcoholism, and love of d*ck) you're still astoundingly considering marriage, I'd get in touch with his ex-wife or former boyfriends. He's probably groomed you to think his ex-wife is crazy, but I reckon she's "been there done that." I'd also put the chances at about 90% that he's the one who cheated in his former relationships. "He doth protesteth too much." 

Let's take a moment and focus on the most important person here, YOU! Setting aside this very broken and potentially dangerous man (more on that at the end), I'd recommend you: 

1. Share your full story here, either on this thread or your own. 
2. Post EVERYTHING about your relationship and let the kind members here comment. 
3. Contact the Straight Spouse Network to get a sponsor or buddy.
4. See a mental health professional with experience in gay/straight relationships, and particularly narcissism. 
5. Get tested for STDs because there is a very strong likelihood he's been cheating while attempting sex with you. 
6. Most importantly, share your whole story with your friends & family. You need their support.
7. Read up on narcissist/co-dependent relationships.  
8. Cut off ALL contact with this highly volatile and mentally ill man. 

Again, I am not a mental health professional, so I'd suggest you consult with a professional. That said, I do believe your former gay-in-denial boyfriend is a toxic narcissist. What you've described: namely his obsessive pursuit of you, called "love bombing"; his alcoholism; his homosexuality; and manic depression, these are all red flags my friend. I'd recommend you get therapy to fix the only person you can in this situation: you. I'd spend the next month focusing on why you feel an overwhelming need to stay in touch, save, and heal this man. You sound like a very intelligent and strong woman. If this man came to you looking for work and had the following on his resume:

- 46 years old
- divorced father of two
- closeted homosexual
- alcoholic
- manic depressive
- available mid-November right after yet another stint in rehab! 

I reckon you wouldn't hire him. In fact, you probably wouldn't even meet him for an interview. So now let's treat this as a job interview to be your future husband/life partner. Does the above candidate qualify? Does he even deserve you? Of course not! There is no question this man is rainbow-float gay...because he's admitted it himself. I'd suggest you take the next few weeks and months trying to understand why you are attracted to such a broken man. Once you fix that my friend, you'll truly be free. I'd take advantage of his time in rehab to cut off contact and focus 100% on yourself and your happiness. And make no mistake, you'll never find happiness with a closeted, depressed, alcoholic wreck of a partner. But I reckon you already know that. 

I hope that doesn't sting too much. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to write again. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 17, 2018 2:31 am)

 

October 17, 2018 8:27 am  #1180


Re: A gay ex-husband answers your questions

Also, Calishocked, to add to what Sean said......

When the thought of marrying you became a reality and not just an idea, his drinking got worse. Why do you think that is? If he is a faithful guy like you say, could it be that the reality of never being able to be with a man again was just too much for him so he started drinking even more?

Also, what about you? What do you want in a marriage? Do you want kids? Would he even be able to give them to you? What kind of dad is he to the kids he already has?

Your call, of course, but I bet every single one of us on this board would say to run. Believe it or not, to know of all this before you are married and have kids, mortgages, etc., is a huge blessing. It may not feel like it right now, but it really is.

 

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