I think it’s all about what he wants and needs and you are being expected to abandon your needs and wants.

Thank you everyone for posting. In response to Wifeof's recent post: 

1. Sean (plus anyone else).... can you shed any light on this... (I told my husband that before I make any decision—- stay with him/leaving him/having an open marriage/etc. that I would try to process everything as best that I could and be as open minded as I could. So anyhow I am trying to see things from his perspective. So far this has been EXTREMELY difficult.)

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this situation my friend. I think it's an excellent idea to take as much time as needed before making a decision about your marriage/relationship etc. I'd urge you to focus on yourself during this tumultuous time, which means: getting tested immediately for STDs (most gay-in-denial husbands lie about their infidelity so it's best to address the risk straight away); posting your full story here on your own thread; sharing your experiences and feelings with trusted friends/family; and perhaps seeking professional help from a counsellor/therapist experienced in gay/straight marriages. I wouldn't recommend couples counselling right away because then the focus will wrongly be on your husband and his sexuality. Now is the time to take a step back and focus 100% on yourself. 

2. Let me give you a little background...Married 20 years; pretty good marriage; Have 2 kids - teens
Very supportive of each other; Neither of us have cheated on the other (I believe this to be true for my husband); We spend most of our time together— work together, exercise together, go to appointments together. I do a lot for him... I enjoy helping. I always have. (When I was a kid before going to play with the other kids, I would ask the adults what I could do to help them first). He takes care of me...makes sure our investments are doing well, makes sure things are in working order, arranges things so I don’t have extra stress. I was his first. He is very interested in male to female sex. We like to watch porn - homosexual or heterosexual- together. We have had done fantasies together before. We have a load of toys. He has never had any gay sex experiences (I believe this to be true). We don’t lie to each other - I have all of the passwords to his accounts and visa versa. We tell each other what our plans are for the day. He knows where I am and I know where he is or we are together. He is going through his midlife crisis. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm now going to share what I've learned from my own gay/straight marriage and from countless exchanges here. (I'm not sure if this applies to you or not.) Here is what I have learned: when a straight spouse first starts posting here about 'opening her marriage', it's never her idea. He wants to open the marriage. She just wants a loving husband. But he often manipulates her to make her feel like she's helping him, or worse that it's her idea to have an open marriage. Whether she understands it or not, his pushing to open the relationship marks a seismic shift in the marriage. Furthermore, most gay-in-denial husbands minimize or outright lie about their previous sexual histories (and this includes cheating with men) for fear of losing wives who have provided them with "straight" cover for decades. And most gay/straight relationships are similar to narcissist/co-dependent relationships, meaning that he's a black-belt self-centred manipulator and she lives only to help/save/cure others...something she often learned in childhood with alcoholic or abusive parents. If your husband is truly gay-in-denial, there are some common clues, namely: 

a. The marriage is mostly 'best friends' rather than passionate lovers. 
b. Little to no sex. 
c. When the couple has sex, he wants to be penetrated (with toys) as if with another man. 
d. His porn habits/history are mostly gay. 

Women like my former wife just knew that I was gay, but I bludgeoned her to think I was truly in love with her. But the kisses were dry, the physical contact was forced, and we were more like brother/sister than a couple. There was simply no passion because I'm not attracted to women. Common clues that a husband is now cheating (with men) are: 

a. A sudden (often obsessive) interest in physical fitness.
b. Lots of talk about an openly gay friend or friends. 
c. A job that requires lots of solo travel for work. 
d. He is suddenly pushing for threesomes or encouraging his wife to have sex outside the marriage. 
e. Lots of nude/sexual selfies on his phone to be used for sex apps like Grindr or Scruff. 

I'm not sure whether this applies to you or not. 

3. He recently told me that he “knows” that he is bisexual and asked permission to explore that side of him. He wants me to explore that side with him too if I want.

This is a red flag but I reckon you already knew that. How can he "know" without having tried it? In almost all of the exchanges I've had here, most men claiming to be bisexual eventually came out as gay. With regards to asking for permission, I reckon he's already had gay sex and is just making you feel like this is your idea. If your husband follows the same pattern as myself or most of the gay-in-denial husbands I've written about here, he has already had gay sex, perhaps for years. So I'd suggest you get tested immediately for STDs and henceforth only practice safe sex with him. If he asks why, just tell him, "I'm not sure if you're cheating or not and just want to protect myself." I can't stress how important it is that you get tested immediately. 

4. He told me that since he has only has had heterosexual experiences, he has a hole in him and doesn’t feel complete.

Let's call this what it is: your husband wants your permission to have sex with men while married to you. This sounds a lot like a gay-in-denial narcissist deftly playing on his wife's kind/caring nature to f*ck around. It sounds like he's playing on a co-dependent wife's need to "save" or "cure" her husband. Again, this might not apply to you my friend, so my apologies if I've hurt or offended you. 

5. Not only does he want to experience homosexual sex but wants to develop an emotional connection with a male but not the same that he has with me. He insists it won’t be the same...that it can’t be the same. That he wants to be married to me because he loves me so much and wants to be together until we die. But he needs someone who can understand his male bisexual part of him.

Again this is another red flag. Is any of this what you want? This sounds a bit like having his rainbow cake and eating it too. What's to keep your husband from leaving you for this new "emotionally-connected" lover? If I'm playing devil's advocate, it sounds like he already has a long-term lover (or lovers) and is now grooming you to hear about him/them. I've read about many closeted men who already have a (gay) best friend who is also their lover. They're often the same age, both married, and both scared of coming out. One clue is that they often take "buddies" trips together, without their wives. This may or may not apply to your situation. 

6. He doesn’t want to have multiple partners. Just one and me.

Ok. Is any of this what you want? 

7. He said that since I am not a guy and not bisexual that it will be difficult for me to understand this desire—-“need” of his. So can you help me “understand”....

The only thing you need to understand is what you want. So I'd encourage you to get tested for STDs, share your full story here on your own thread, talk to a mental health professional who has experience with gay/straight marriages, and confide in close friends/family. He's asking a lot from you: opening up your marriage; emotionally opening up your marriage; and you run the risk of him leaving with his new "friend." In my opinion, he sounds like a very self-centred and manipulative person. Why? Because what are you getting out of this situation? I'd encourage you to post more here or perhaps on your own thread and to spend the next weeks and months focusing exclusively on you, your needs, and what you want out of your relationship. 

I hope that helps my friend. Please write again if I haven't answered your questions. Be well! 

Last edited by Séan (August 4, 2018 5:11 am)

Hi Sean

I have found your thread soo valueable. I am 5 weeks in to finding out my husband has been having hookups with other men. I found. Its soo huge and we have a very big journey beginning. We so love each other but dont want to rush any decisions. I am still dealing with the deceit... in shock really. We have been together 21 years married nearly 19. Onlu really last 6 months has anything been different in our sex life in 20 years!! So when i found out it made sense why last 6 months odd but... so confusing as we have been great prior. This is such a great website. Its so hard. I thankyou for sharing your story.  I am so sad for my hubby that hes had to not be his true self hes workinf with a psychologist as am i we will get councilling going forward to look at our future..but  hubby needs to work out his true self first. Thanks again sean i so value your story.

Hi Sean. Thanks for your feedback. Appreciate the encouragement. Yep all over the std testing with my doctor. In general taking a day at a time and it is what it is. I think i am moving into an anger phase..in an odd way i am angry with his family that he was unable to feel  comfortable dealing with inital questioning as a teenager.... etcetc. Also the anger with him is creeping in even tho i have compassion.trust me when the anger comes i shall not suppress it!! I need to process. Its hard as he travels for work... so taking his word is bloody hard.. but i just tell him i have eyes in the back of my head! He will get found out....! We are communicating a heck of a lot better tho than prior to my knowledge. Again i can control only what i can control. Anyhows thanks for the debreif space again! Such a great resource.

Sean, thanks for the reality check. I know he is gay, but I have to repeat it a thousand times to myself. And I am now stuck in that phase of "I want more proof,"  so I continue to search his phone after he comes home from business trips. He is clueless about deleting his google search history on his cell phone, so I recently found a search for adult entertainment "Male Strippers." It helps me to have the reaffirmations. I am working on an exit plan. The worst part for me is his lies. He is such a lier and a manipulator.