Thank you for sharing Kathyd. I don't know much about "trauma bonding" but the term certainly fits what was my own gay/straight marriage. But I'd caution any straight spouse who is seriously considering staying with a gay or (worse) gay-in-denial spouse. Using myself as an example, while I do believe that my former wife loved me deeply, I loved only my closet, not my (then) wife. I loved her conditionally which meant that I would stay with her as long as she served her purpose: essentially guarding my closet door. My marriage ended abruptly once I'd come out and found a boyfriend. I think this is what confuses so many straight spouses. I reckon their husbands never truly loved them. I felt affection towards my former wife, but never deep love. While many gay-in-denial husbands are certainly cruel and abusive narcissists, I think we are incapable of loving others because we simply don't love ourselves. We don't know how and can't until we accept who we are (gay men). And near the end of our troubled gay/straight relationships, we actually start hating those who love us because we don't believe we deserve their love. For me personally, I loved my closet above all else. Does that make any sense? I hope so. Be well friends.    

Last edited by Sean (July 13, 2018 4:57 am)

you know for years, Sean, I had this feeling my ex hated me and I would say so - I don't think you like me I'd say and he'd say don't be ridiculous but it was real and he really did hate me.

somehow I just don't believe it was because he felt he didn't deserve my love - I don't think there was any sort of fairness about it, the only thing I could think of, once I knew he was gay, was he hated me because I wasn't a man.  Which is remarkably unfair of him, but when it came down to it he pretty much corroborated it - he clearly felt I had ruined his life by stopping him from having a relationship with a man.  That was his real feeling and nothing fair or decent towards me in it.

In the kindest gentlest possible terms, I would have left him to it at any time if he'd said he wanted to be with a man and he knew that all along.

He fooled me into staying with him time and again, he would insist there was nothing wrong and yet at the same time he became ever more resentful towards me for keeping him away from the men!

Thanks for posting Jes, although I'm terribly sorry you're going through all of this. In response to your post: 

1. I know it probably doesn’t matter any longer, but I’m still so curious.

Of course it matters. You and your feelings matter. 

2. My husband came out to me about 3 months ago @ age 50.

While painful, that's a good start. At least you have the truth: he's gay. He's more honest than 90% of the gay-in-denial husbands I've read about in this forum. But...

3. He says that he has never, ever, been with a man. Do you think this could be true? 

No. Based on my exchanges here, I reckon there is a 90% chance he's lying and 10% chance that he's telling the truth. 

4. I’ve been so naive for so long. I asked him to stay “true” to the marriage until after the divorce, so for 3 more months. He says he is, but then accidentally sent me a screen shot of his phone with Scruff downloaded. Am I to believe that he’s not actively looking?

Scruff is an app for mature gay men (also called "bears") looking for sex. So the evidence suggests he's actively looking and, most likely, having sex with other men. This may shock you, but I'd recommend you get tested immediately for STDs. Most gay-in-denial husbands have been having sex with men for years before their wives suspect.  

5. Says he just wants to see what out there since he’s still learning how to be gay. This dude has been in denial for so long.

"I was just curious" is a common excuse when husbands are caught watching gay porn or exchanging messages on gay sex apps. Sticking to the facts: he's admitting to being gay and is now on a gay sex app. The odds are that he's more than just "curious." Some common signs that your husband is having sex with other men: exercising a lot to have a more attractive body; grooming/body shaving; sexy/colourful underwear; and ordering Viagra/Cialis or other "performance" drugs.   

6. My only wish for him was to get some help with what all this denial has surely done to him over the years.  And I thought maybe this time before the divorce would be helpful. So could he still be a ‘virgin’ and does the app prove he is actively seeking companionship?

I would read up on narcissism (gay husband) & co-dependency (straight spouse) as many gay/straight relationships are narc/co-dependent. I think it's very kind of you to want the best for him but I'd urge you to focus on yourself and your healing. And that means: getting tested for STDs; finding a therapist who has experience with gay/straight relationships; posting your full story here; and talking to close friends/family. I'd also suggest talking to a lawyer so you are prepared for separation/divorce. 

I hope that helps my friend. If I haven't answered your questions. Please feel free to post again. 

Last edited by Sean (July 17, 2018 1:58 am)

Thanks Jes. In reply: 

1. I just want him to be honest with me. I could respect him if he could just share the truth. I don’t know that I’ll ever know.

I understand your need for the truth. However, please keep in mind that most closeted gay people started lying about their sexuality around age 6. If your husband is anything like I was, the dishonesty may be hard-wired. It's a bit like asking a cat to bark. It's just never going to happen. 

2. Divorce mediation next week and hopefully finalized by October. I wonder if he would be honest after that.

There will likely come a point where you no longer need his honesty because you alone understand the truth. Your (soon to be former) husband is gay, he was born that way, and he'll likely never be honest with you about it. 

3. The Narcissism is real with this one. He’s always made me believe that I was the untrustworthy person.

That's wrong on so many levels. But I now believe that being gay-in-denial and a toxic narcissist are one in the same. 

4. He started the whole bodybuilder thing about 6 years ago when he became sober. Bodybuilder.com all day long.

Well then I think we can assume he's been having sex with men for about the same amount of time. 

5. In my  naivety, I was always worried about him looking at the women on that site. Now I better understand the hours on end spent at the gym. It’s just very frustrating understanding just how foolish I’ve been in trusting everything he’s ever said.

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself my friend. You did nothing more than trust your husband. 

6. Ive been reading your post for a while and following your advice. I’m working with a counselor now. I even went to see his counselor at the LGBT center, right after he told me. I’ve also made the drs appointment to get tested.

Good for you! You're being very pro-active which will help with healing. 

7. Thank you again for providing the other side of the story. I know I always appreciate your answers, advice, and honesty. Have a good week. 

Thank you for sharing Jes. Your honesty and strength are helping countless other straight spouses. Remember that for every straight spouse like you posting here, there are probably dozens who are anonymously following in your footsteps. 

Please keep posting! Be well. 

 

Sean, I am getting confused, help me out please. As you may recall, 6 months ago I discovered my husband's gay porn magazines, anal dildos, no sex with me for 10 years, hepatitis B diagnosis which he claims now was from a forced sexual encounter with 3-4 men. Everything pointed to that he was gay. But I am confused, I just found a bag with a dildo, prostrate probe, butt vibrator device and in this bag was lesbian porn CDs, 4 of the CDs were lesbian porn and one of the CDs was entitled "strap on Addicts." If my husband is gay why would he be watching lesbian porn? He tried to get his therapist to convince me he just had an "anal fetish," and that he was not gay. I basically shared with his therapist that he was being "selective in what he told her and shared everything I had discovered. His therapist confronted him about being honest and true to himself and now he has stopped going to her. Is it possible he has a number of sexual issues going on? He engages in a lot of self sex stimulation and I have discovered he frequents adult sex shops. I pulled up his GPS which showed that usually after gold he goes to the sex shops.

Thanks for your help.