Mrs. Lonely -

Let's talk about motherhood for a moment, because it applies here.  Is there any way to tell if you've been a good mom?  What IS a good mom, anyway?  Is it someone who meets their children's needs and loves them, or is that not good enough?  Is it the kind of mom who makes everything home-made, from scratch, for her kids?  Is it someone who makes sure that their kids minds are enriched through visits to museums and higher learning?  Is it the mom who makes sure here kids' empathy is built well by having them serve others and appreciate what they have?  Is it the mom who has her kids serve in a soup kitchen on Christmas, or the one who stuffs their stockings with all the best stuff?  There is no right answer.  But if you try to meet more than one of the above descriptions on a constant basis, you'd be neglecting something to do it.  You can only concentrate on so much at once, or have so many focuses before something gets dropped.  So sometimes it's more helpful to look at what a BAD mom is.  And we kind of innately know that that is.  If we're not that, then we're doing okay.  There's always room for improvement, but we're doing okay.

Now.... translate that to marriage.  What's the perfect wife?  Is it one who has sex with her husband every day?  one who leaves him little love notes in his briefcase and has dinner on the table every night when he arrives home?  Is it the one who has fun with her man - accompanying him to sports games and hosting everyone for Superbowl Sunday at her home, complete with football-themed munchies?  Is it the woman who represents him well in public but also satisfies his every desire in the bedroom? WHO THE F*CK KNOWS????? you can't be all those women, and your spouse isn't looking for you to be.  There is such a thing as a bad wife - and again - we know what that looks like.  Someone who doesn't try at ALL to give their husband happiness.  Someone who is selfishly out for only themselves - only what they can get from him - in the bedroom, in the kitchen, in the bank.  It's someone who is unfaithful, mean, slovenly, passionless and cold.  Most people who are concerned with their marriage are NOT those things.  If you've poured yourself pretty regularly into taking care of your spouse and marriage, and you've paid special attention to areas that mean the most to your spouse, and also to areas that they've brought up as needing work, then you've tried.  If you've tried different things to improve the marriage (but to no avail), then you've put in the work.  I think we get caught up in "did we try hard enough?" because we equate trying hard enough with having good results.  So if we didn't get good results, did we try hard enough?  For long enough?  It's a freaking trap.

I tried so much in my former marriage to capture my husband's attention.  I left sweet little nothings for him.  I read marriage books on understanding men, and employed the tactics I learned.  I lost weight, I got my boobs done, I got a tummy tuck, I started dressing sexier and wearing more alluring underwear.  I tried creating a relaxing, romantic environment in our bedroom - clean, fresh, soft lighting, music, candles, etc.  I tried encouraging him to talk to me about his fantasies.  I was very giving to him sexually.  NONE OF IT WORKED.  How much more could I have tried in that area?!???  I couldn't think of anything I DIDN'T try, so I can rest assured that I tried hard enough.

I know that a marriage is not all bedroom though, and I tried hard in the rest of the marriage, too.  I did all the typical things - held a job, bore him children, took care of them in the middle of the night, saw to their cleanliness, teaching and general welfare.  Kept a clean house, washed the clothes, cooked every night, kept my little family running.  I was honest, committed, and patient.  I supported him through all of his job losses and screw-ups.  I told him honestly where I wasn't happy, and what I wanted in order to fix it.  I didn't hold grudges.  I was frugal and I was fun.  But I kept trying to bang my head against that wall.  If I hadn't succeeded, it must be because I hadn't given enough, or tried enough, or tried long enough.  But you know what? That wasn't the problem.

The problem was that he was gay.  So none of what I was doing was going to hit his sweet spot.  There wasn't anything I ever COULD do to make it work and be fulfilled.  NOTHING.  If you step back and examine your relationship, you might see the same.  "Not trying hard enough" is someone who wants things but doesn't put in any work to get those things.  Is that you in your marriage?  Likely not.  Because people who don't give a sh*t about trying usually aren't worried about whether they tried hard enough.  It's quite the opposite - only those who have tried their ass off will worry that maybe they have more to give and have more left in them yet.  But at some point, it's like repeatedly trying to shock a dead man with the paddles - it's freaking time.to.call.it.  There's a point of no return - where even if they DID suddenly shock back to life, their brain has been without oxygen for so long that the damage has been done.  And when the trust in your marriage is gone, then you're THERE.  That's the point of no return.  You've tried hard enough, sweetie.  The only reason you continue to feel as though maybe you haven't is because you're the type of person who will always ask themselves that.  Which means you're never going to think it's enough.  You can rest assured that if you're worried about having given your all, that you definitely have.

When my ex saw that he was finally going to lose me, he began giving his all.  It felt so fake, but he was trying.  He was sending me flowers, posting messages on FB about how much he appreciated me, buying me gifts, waiting in the driveway for me when I came home.  Had dinner ready, and met me with kisses and hugs.  Wanted to go upstairs and get me undressed and give me a massage to relax me before dinner.  This was a man who wouldn't give me the asked-for massage during LABOR that I'd asked for, much less ever given me a massage, EVER.  And you know what?  It made me MAD.  I'd told him I wanted a divorce, and THEN all this starts???  WTF?  I mean, what his actions were telling me was that unless he stood to lose something, he wasn't interested in making me happy.  I'd told him I was unhappy for years, and his response was always "I'm fine, though".  I remember saying once, "So..... even after your wife tells you that she's unhappy, you're STILL.... fine?"  Yes, he was.  So that meant that he was fine with me not being fine.  Didn't affect him one single bit.  So all that love bombing didn't mean an f'ing thing.  It was all for HIS benefit - so he could get back what he wanted and was accustomed to.  It wasn't for me at all.  It was only making me angrier.  I only let him do that shit for 2 days before I said, "NO.  This is insulting.  Stop it because now you're just making me angrier".  He knew it was over then.  And that's the thing - I'd called it over already, and I didn't ask him to fix it at that point.  I wanted it to END, not get better at that point.

Don't doubt yourself.  You've done enough.  Was there anything left to do that you could have done that would have fixed it?  No.  Then you tried hard enough, for long enough.

Kel

JK shared something profound that I'd like to re-post here:

"I am NOT trying to start a parent-bashing section, here, and hope this does Not become that.  I am just wondering:  Were some of your gay spouses/partners able to be a good parent, after divorce?  My STBX was always detached; I know that was due to TGT. I was hoping that he would become more engaged with the kids, once he stopped spending all his energy on our marriage facade.  That does not seem to be happening.  (He is unemployed and looking for work, too, which adds to the distraction). Just wondering if there are, also, patterns to the parenting thing, post-disclosure. He is not disinterested.  He wants to be a good dad. He's having a hard time trying to figure out how to be a dad, without me around.  He's also just very unhappy, so he's not too good at thinking of anything fun to do...even simple fun.  He's working as an hourly employee at Starbucks, while looking for a job.  He used to make such good money. Now, he's found a new, cheaper place, but it's not ideal for having kids over.  He doesn't have a lot of options for housing, due to current money issues.  Ugh.  This financial hit has been unbelievable...counseling costs, divorce costs, losing a job...my having been a SAHM ("stay at home mom"). He has spent all of his years with the children, being detached.  Never unkind.  Would go to work and come home.  Would sit on the couch and watch tv with kids, go to their events/games/concerts.  That's it.  As I've mentioned before, he went through life doing what he thought he "should".  I know he's depressed.  He's been depressed for decades; I just didn't know it was due to TGT, until last year. We will just keep working at this, one day at a time.  I'm not convinced that sticking to the 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend is best for anyone. Now, he's lost.  He doesn't have a significant other that I know of, so he's not distracted by that.  He's going to counseling, trying to work on himself.   He's looking for a better job. He wants to hang out with the family, still.  Thanksgiving went ok.  I'm tempted to try to do things, as a family, but I would set limits.  No worries.  I have no feelings for him, anymore.  I am only thinking of the kids.  The older ones don't seem to miss him, which is very sad.  My 3rd grader misses him, very much."

Thank you for sharing JK. I admire your strength. Your ability to feel compassion towards your former husband, even in these tough times, is an example for us all. How did the weekend visit go with your ex-husband? 

jkpeace you really encapsulated what I feel about my STBX :

 I'm thinking that my anger may be from seeing my STBX looking like he was doing okay.  Honestly, I have no idea how he's really doing or what he's really doing.  When he doesn't look upset, I just think how unfair this is.  When he's sad or upset, it almost feels better, though I feel a bit selfish in saying that.

Forgiving someone for robbing 24+ years of my life is tough.  Sometimes I'm close to that forgiveness.  Sometimes, I'm not.

Whether he is kind and respectful or not, I still feel violated, when he comes into this house. Stupid rollercoaster ride is not over, yet, although I have days where I think it could be.

Our divorce will be final before the end of this month. I am no contact with him except on matters about the kids. It definitely helps because everytime I think of him I feel so angry because I think of all the cheating that he did. And he is still in denial about his sexuality to everybody else. The kids know that he is gay. 

I think I am a long way from forgiveness. I am near acceptance though that this has happened to me. I still want the karma bus to run him down though, lol. 

Sean,

It is so generous of you to post here.  I wish my ex was as enlightened and introspective as you.  It would have accelerated my healing.

I am long past divorce.  My life is good.  My children are happy. I chose to leave my ex when I discovered that he was using female prostitutes for the last couple years of our twenty years together.  I believe he is gay because of our sexless and emotional vacuum of a marriage and the hundreds of photos of naked masturbating men that I found on his laptop.

I never doubt my decision to leave him.  I do question my conclusion that he is gay.  He is remarried to a woman two decades younger than he. They literally have nothing obvious in common.  They differ in culture, age, education, income, ethnicity.  It doesn't make sense that at a time when he can live by himself and freely explore being gay in private that he would jump back into a marriage with a woman.  Do you have any insight?

I have asked this question a number of times.  I think this is what it means to be in limbo when a spouse or ex spouse remains in the closet.  I feel as if my suffering through this ordeal has remained in the closet with him because no one really understands what I have been through.  He is still considered by most as the victim in our divorce and I am the villain.  I used my knowledge of his secrets as leverage to get a good divorce settlement so from the outside it looks as if I took advantage of his kindness.

Thank you,
Ruby