jb--
  It's a shock all right, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it.   Because it is a shock, and you don't want your marriage to end, you're understandably looking for any good news ("we're communicating!") and bargaining, trying to find ways to accommodate your partner ("maybe we can do an open marriage").   Both of these reactions (happiness at communicating and considering an open marriage) are fairly common to the early stages of discovering you're a straight spouse in what you have up until the disclosure considered a heterosexual marriage.  So just be aware that you are in the early stages of this experience; your feelings, and hers, will evolve.

 I'm the exwife of a trans identified man, and warning bells went off for me when you wrote, "at this point! I guess currently I try to view it as a weird "fetish" (I am aware this is not the case) that she has and we'll try to make the best of it."  That's because I recognize this response; I had a similar one myself, and it cost me a lot of emotional pain down the road.

   For those of us in long term marriages to spouses who come out as transgender, it's difficult if not impossible to shift our thinking from seeing our spouses as we always have--male or female--and begin to think of them as the opposite sex, (or gender, if you prefer this term), and this is especially true if they do nothing to alter their bodies. After all, in bed (and often out of it, depending on how they choose to present or the degree to which they come out publicly) they appear to be the same person they always were. 

   SImiliar to the way you see your wife as having a "weird fetish," I was open to my then-husband wanting to engage in gender-bending in bed, too, which is how I thought of what we were doing.  I was good with that; at first I even enjoyed it, and, of course, I enjoyed the fact that my then-husband was enjoying it, too.  Well, over time it emerged that what was to me gender-bending sex play with my husband was not at all that to my now-ex.  For him, his actions (and mine, because I matched his with my own)  were confirming for him what he believed to be his innate femaleness. He was not thinking of "playing a role" as a woman; he was thinking of himself AS a woman.  

  Over time, this shift in the way he saw himself grew ever stronger, and sex also became exclusively focused on his need to be "fulfilled" as a woman, and my sexuality--heterosexual, wanting to be with my husband--not only was shunted off to the wayside, but became in his mind an attack on "who he was."  My painful conclusion was that what I thought was our "sex play" did not preserve our marriage, but ultimately helped bring it to an end.  All this activity helped him along in his quest to remake himself as a woman; it also, because I was adapting myself to match the changes in him, did damage to my sense of myself as a woman.  

  I don't know if this will happen in your relationship, but I'm relating my experience in the spirit of "head's up," pay attention, don't ignore your own feelings. Because all that sex I was having with my husband, thinking it was gender bending sex play, was, as sex is, accompanied by my emotional attachment, which in the end turned around and bit me when I eventually decided I had to end the marriage.  


 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 22, 2021 6:27 am)

I’m sorry to hear about your experience. My husband of 9 years came out as trans a couple of weeks ago. At first I was supportive, then I tried to compromise, then finally I told him I couldn’t do it and it was him staying a man and getting help or becoming a transwoman and losing his family. I almost lost him. There were a few days where he didn’t feel that he even had a choice but to pursue his gender dysphoric feelings. He was involved in online groups that groomed him. The rhetoric essentially being that becoming your “true” gender will solve your inner turmoil. Well, my husband’s feelings are because of severe medical trauma and now he is in counseling for them. He ended up choosing to stay a man and work on his trauma. I can’t say what will happen in the future, but we’re doing all that we can to save our marriage. Boundaries are important. I think it’s common for straight spouses to lose themselves by being too accommodating and not caring enough about what they themselves want from this life.

Thanks everyone for the sage advice, kind words, and encouragement.

The past 2 weeks were HELL, but I am about 75% better mentally and emotionally now. At the time in the past 2 weeks I was so emotionally unstable I was unable to focus on or enjoy hobbies or things I enjoyed normally. Hell, I even enjoyed work more for the sake of being in a different environment 8+ hrs a day and focusing on work in general. I heavily dealt with suicidal ideation during that time. Don't worry, it was nothing that I attempted or would attempt, but did think about how I would do it. This entire thing was a hell I couldn't escape. Now I am at a point where it is a reality (albeit an alternate one), that I can't escape, but rather must wade through and find myself in the process.

She and I do communicate a lot, which is good. In some ways we are closer than we have ever been, but so distant mentally/emotionally for me at times in others. I certainly did a ton of grieving during that time, and somewhat still am of course.

My birthday was Friday of last week, and it was difficult for many reasons to say the least. My birthday was the 10 year anniversary of the last time I saw my dad. He died almost 10 years ago as the result of a tragic work accident. Not only that, but with June being "pride month" it felt like my birthday was just sh*t on. It was no ill intention on my wife's behalf or anyone else, it just was compounded. Also not quite 10 years ago my brother's wife left him to spend time with some other woman. Meanwhile he had serious health issues and would just leave him at home.

My wife (although sadly she sees herself as my "husband"), tried her best to make sure I was loved and appreciated on my birthday. Everyday for that matter as well. I had/have no support, but I cried out to her for help. I outright told her, that I know she's dealing with all of these things, but if I don't matter, then I don't know, nor did I care what happened to me.

Quite honestly our kids were/are my reason for pressing onward, whatever that entails. In the past week I have finally come to terms with the situation being what it is and that there is no turning back to what may have been before she disclosed everything. I have slowly started being at peace with myself and seeking healthy avenues of loving myself, taking care of myself, and being happy with who I am. As a positive, recently I have begun to have more confidence in myself and in who I am as a person overall.

I know I can't let this situation hold me down or hold me back. She has expressed numerous times that still loves me more than anyone and that I am still her best friend and that I also deserve to be happy and who I am in all of this. I asked her numerous times if I matter, did/do we matter, and does everything we have been through together even matter ? She says it does/did and I believe her. I know she never has or has had ill intent towards me.

She told me something last night that was truly profound, "I am so sorry that you don't have a wife anymore and that you thought you had one when you married me." Obviously that cut deep, but is a bitter, honest truth. We have agreed to be open and communicate with each other in EVERYTHING about this. Decisions, fears, worries, wants, desires...EVERYTHING.

At the moment the main differences in how she physically presents herself is wearing more say men's cargo shorts than women's shorts and wearing her hair tucked into a baseball cap. She wore hats anyways before all of this, so it's not THAT much of a change. I am fully aware that more changes will be coming eventually. She says that as of now she has no intention of taking hormones or having surgery, but that it will likely be something even years from now she will probably want to do.

In tears last night she told me that one of her biggest fears is that I would move on completely and marry someone else. I don't know if that would happen, but in all honesty eventually it is a likelihood. Her thoughts (mine as well), is that I would be more likely to become emotionally attached to someone else than she would when it comes to separating sex from emotions.

Numerous times we have discussed the possibility of an open marriage. Let's face it, if we stay married, it's inevitable. She has expressed through all of this that she doesn't care if I even have 1 or 2 "side chicks" if that means we stay together as life partners and best friends in raising our kids together.

Yes there are red flags all around, but then again this may be what works for us ? We have agreed to wade through that process together and make decisions together if/when we get to that point. I have expressed to her numerous times that if she goes the hormone/surgery route then I am done. We have a good sex life currently and frankly is one of the main things that has kept us so close recently to feel connected and not emotionally abandoned. On the other hand, as a straight heterosexual male, it is difficult to want to have sex with a spouse if even their mannerisms change.

Needless to say my situation and similar ones are quite complicated. I know for a fact I'm not going to do anything stupid nor do I want to make poor decisions influenced by emotions. I suppose where I am at this point in all of this is that I have been faithful to her in our entire relationship/marriage, and I am not going anywhere. However if things progress and she pushes me away, then the blood is on her hands if/when I leave.

I still need to find a separate therapist for myself. My wife has found a couples therapist, I just effin' hope it isn't one sided bullsh*t where I just need to support her more and just "deal with it" la dee da. She really wants to save the marriage, but at the same time is embracing all of this. She is fully aware that eventually I may not stick around and was/is worried that I will leave.
 
I will say through all of this, I have realized how damn awesome I am to have stuck around. Even prior to her coming out, we have been through hurdles in our marriage that most men would have left over, but I was faithful and true to her in the face of adversity.

Looking back there were tell tale signs of her being having transgender gay male tendencies.

She grew up in a broken/sexually abusive home life. When she was a kid her mom told her she wished she was a boy. As a kid her sisters would tell her that her name was not a pretty name. After her parents divorced, her mom remarried someone that was sexually abusive physically and verbally to all of the females in the family. Her dad is a gaslighting narcissist. She never had a better than fair relationship with her dad. She shared that as a teenager/young adult she would look in the mirror at her breasts and "...feel they just weren't right...".

A few years ago she created a fake facebook profile and portrayed herself as a gay male, joining groups and becoming real friends with them online without them knowing who she really was. This actually is what really led to her coming out to me recently.

These friends online wanted to meet up with her and hang out, but she didn't know what to do or hurt other people. Well, she shared all of this with a therapist that is also our kid's therapist. She told me the therapist brought up the question to her asking if she thought she might be transgender. I asked my wife if she influenced all of this. She says no, but sometimes I wonder. Regardless, the signs were there.

I know this is a lot to read, but I finally have the clarity of mind and time to share all of this.

Thank you everyone for listening. It feels good to get all of this out and to know I am not alone in this world and universe of insanity.

Last edited by jb_ibeme (July 3, 2021 2:53 pm)