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1 of 1- onceuponatime
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Is counseling helpful?
It's been over a month since my husband finally decided that he wants to live his life as a gay man and moved out of the house.
I have tried two counselors, but I'm not sure if I have unrealistic expectations of how counseling is supposed to work, or just haven't found the right one.
The first one would ask me about how I was feeling, and tell me how difficult it must be. The second one was a little bit better in the sense that she kept bringing the focus back to me, and not on my husband. But her only sort of practical recommendation was to write a letter to my husband about how I feel (without actually giving it to him).
I know there isn't a magic pill that will take away the pain and all the other feelings that I have after finding out that I have spent the last 14 years of my life in love with a gay man.
Anything you learned from your own therapy sessions that might be helpful? Thanks!
- Soaplife
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Re: Is counseling helpful?
Onceuponatime, I am discovering that therapy is not a silver bullet. Good therapy is a help - but we do the hard work. And it is taking a great deal of unpleasant and confronting work to uncover the truth of my self, my life and my relationships. The why of it all.
But -
I am learning it is ok to be me and to live by my own moral and ethical standards. To look at what people do rather than what they say. I am learning it is ok to have needs, to ask for help, to have boundaries, to say no, to hold people accountable. That I am not responsible for the happiness of loved adults in my life. That "is this acceptable to me" is a valid - indeed the vital - question in relationships. That feelings are valid but not facts - they are valuable markers, and when properly acknowledged and understood feelings can help me to recognise facts in my relationships. That it is ok to make mistakes but very important to acknowledge and own mistakes and to be sorry for them.
It takes time and effort but I'm finding that I am rebuilding myself by degrees and getting more confident by the day - in myself, my lovableness and ability to love, in my good judgement and my ability to navigate life and relationships truthfully and honestly without apology.
I have much more authentic and loving relationships with my young adult children and some of my siblings than I had before. My attitude to my abusive GXH is more rational. I have progressively fewer triggers and I recognise trigger responses for what they are and can manage them more comfortably.
Its not fun being shattered. But good therapy can help you pick up the pieces and put them together more functionally.
Its a long term process and you have to have to be brave and find a good therapist you trust who asks the right questions.
- Rob
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Re: Is counseling helpful?
Once,
I think it is hard to find a good counselor. I also think depending where you are in processing TGT and the trauma the counselor you start with may not be the same one you need later on.
My first therapist was good in helping me process the shock and awe of my cheating GX. But my expectation were so ply having someone normal to talk to. Her being female was good..let me talk to a normal female.
Best advice she gave me was referring some of my negative thoughts and words..helped me realize my fear and anxiety was not always realistic or true. But I still lock my doors and windows at night.
Later therapists were not so good. After the divorce I found I was better and certainly did not need to relive the trauma over and over.
Find one you think is helpful and don't be afraid to switch or take a break.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Soaplife
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Re: Is counseling helpful?
Agreed, Rob, you do need therapists whose particular specialities match where you are - discerning/decisionmaking, still in a challenging or unsafe relationship, going through breakup, safe and in recovery ...
I've had different people for each stage. When its not helpful any more, reassess.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Is counseling helpful?
For me counseling was only as good as my rapport with the counselor. I was intuitive enough to be able to admit to myself the first counselor I tried was not a good fit and that I had to look for another.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- clintonia
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Re: Is counseling helpful?
Soaplife wrote:
To look at what people do rather than what they say. I am learning it is ok to have needs, to ask for help, to have boundaries, to say no, to hold people accountable. That I am not responsible for the happiness of loved adults in my life. That "is this acceptable to me" is a valid - indeed the vital - question in relationships. That feelings are valid but not facts - they are valuable markers, and when properly acknowledged and understood feelings can help me to recognise facts in my relationships.
I really like this, Soaplife.
That's also a very good point, Rob, that the counselor you need may change over time as you evolve, even if the first counselor was a good fit at one point. Which refers back to the previous comments that it requires your own effort to personally assess if it is fulfilling your needs and what you need out of the counselor or a partner.