I  thought about displaying all her gay sex toys on the bed for when she got in at 2am  (if she didn't take them with her).   But then I thought what does it buy me but more rage and her stepping up her abusive treatment.   Don't poke the cornered (gay) bear.
I never did find the weed... but found burned remnants..she was definitely bringing drugs into our home also.     It was almost like "I cheated and I am gay so there is no limit to what bad stuff I can do now..its all ok now".





 

I confess;

That sometimes I still cry on the way to work, and that i can't wait until May 22 (his scheduled departure date). 

That I am scared and alone, but will just keep going.

That I have contributed to our marital problems lately, because looking at him and having to pretend that everything is fine is killing me inside.

That I don't know how I am going to make it on my own financially, am I going to end up living under a bridge? I am scared and confused.

That I am angry at him for his treatment of our marriage, and that I am angry at myself for letting it and myself go.

That I find myself sleeping through most weekends. That I have nothing to say about anything to him, what would be the point. That I have been alone for so many years I don't remember how to make friends.

But the worst thing I confess?

I confess that I am just outright pissed at myself. I should have known better.

 

First, Rob, YAY!  You are so correct.  Be kind to yourself. 

JJ1966....today was a bad day.  Stop the shoulds.  You could not have known.  No one would knowingly choose this life. 

Cry all you want.  You are NOT alone.  You have this space here, please continue reaching out. We understand.  

I don't know what you mean that you contributed to your marital problems....but, you have every right to feel angry and pick fights if that's what you mean.  You are having to look at him knowing what you know, and that's difficult to play a role--I'm sure you're feeling like you have done that enough already. 

You have a job of your own, because you said you cry on your way to work.  You will adjust.  You will not live under a bridge.  If you have been married a while, alimony will be owed to you, so you'll have that.  If you have children, and they live with you and he was the main source of financial support, he'll have to continue supporting you and them in the manner you are accustomed to.  Have you spoken with your own attorney? 

You should be angry.  You will get yourself back, all the you that you put away to deal with his s**T.  You'll be a better version of you, and it will feel awesome. 

Be gentle on yourself.  Start looking for things to do that are just things YOU want to do.  As you do them, you'll make new friends, or at least acquaintances.  You'll feel less lonely.  

Hang in there....

JJ1966 wrote:

I confess...

That I find myself sleeping through most weekends.

OMG...you too? He has put me through so much with years of illness, drama, the bi thing and loss of our home that I am exhausted after the work week just thinking about how f'ed up my life is. Dont know how to feel motivated to do anything recreational.

On the flip, he seems happier now he's out. Not belittling how hiding that for decades would emotionally compromise a person. At least one of us makes progress with finding some peace, right? Now maybe he will find the inner strength to get back to work.

Last edited by fembotreturns (February 8, 2017 10:43 pm)