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June 11, 2021 8:44 am  #1


Need to hear some positive stories

Can a marriage work between a bisexual man and straight woman?  Can you be truly happy?  I need to hear some positive stories because I am feeling really down right now.

 

June 11, 2021 12:08 pm  #2


Re: Need to hear some positive stories

Yes, it can be a happy marriage for both. But it depends on the personality and decisions of you and your spouse. The latter being very important at this moment. How he's dealing with his sexual orientation because that obviously causes the current turmoil in the relation.
For example: If a straight man decides for himself he can only be fulfilled by having affairs with other women, his marriage probably won't become happy. This has nothing to do with being a man, or heterosexuality, it's about how a person chooses.
How he thinks, his morals, upbringing, faith, whatever... the total makeup that makes him the person he is. Sexual orientation is a part of the equation, but not the all defining aspect. 
Sure, some throw "sexual orientation" in like this, as it's convenient. Like: "I can't help myself, I'm just a victim of my feelings and so I'm not to be held responsible".
As soon as the "LGB" word is mentioned the media and popular culture agrees and confirms, thinking they are doing the right thing to do so. Everyone should be applauding it.
But actually they are reducing the LGB person to someone who isn't capable of making choices beyond their sexuality. A species that cannot be hold responsible for their feelings and actions. They are stripped of their free will, and capability to decide what they deem right.

Suppose that I, being a straight man would try to apologize for cheating. Like "I have my hormones and libido and evolution forces me to spread the seed. So I can't help it, don't hold me responsible!". Many eyebrows would be raised I think.
Most will think: "yes, okay that are urges we all know and experience, but you have a say over it, you are much more than your sexual drive and urges. What are your values? Your responsibility to your spouse? What is your meaning of love and faithfulness?"
Rightfully so, for it would be degrading myself to a package of hormones, DNA and urges, and not a human being that has the liberty of choice and free will of his own. But why allow this 'privilege' to straights and not to LGB?
Some LGB in MOMs may have started to believe they have no free will themselves, and are supposed to be subdued to their feelings allowing no space to act from their own conviction. And when they do, they are deemed not being authentic. 

But life is asking questions to all of us (LGB included), every day, every moment. We respond with our answers to life with our choices and actions, and exactly this gives meaning to what we decide and do and the consequences it holds.
If we deny ourselves the capability and reponsibility to make choices, life would become meaningless.

You can read in the MOM section Tangled Oil's and Susanne's posts (and others) about their experience in a MOM with a bisexual man, also the story of my wife and me (lesbian & straight). At the core it's about choices. So yes, it can be happy, but it also can be unhappy. It's not due to sexual orientation but it's depending on the personality and hence the choices of those involved make.

Concerning both becoming truly happy: the outcome could gravitate towards acceptance, transparency and trust, where each is giving the other the most important priority in life. And precisely this is the most important aspect of love when it's meaning is truly grasped. If that's understood and reached, you could find yourself in a marriage that was more than it ever was before. It's a possible outcome, but it totally depends on both.

 

June 22, 2021 12:06 pm  #3


Re: Need to hear some positive stories

Hello!! 
It is 100% possible for a completely "normal" (if there is such a thing lol) relationship with a bisexual man/woman! I have been with my amazing bi hubby for over 17 years and I would not trade him for anyone else in the world! Straight or bi lol! There are SO MANY mixed orientation relationships out there living their best lives being happy and successful.  I know it can feel like all  you find online is doom and gloom but you have to remember, MOST of the time the happy successful folks aren't out here in these spaces because they don't feel that they need to be. But you can't take that as a sign that the good ones don't exist. I know all the things you are feeling because we have all been there and we seem to somehow feel the same things and have the same worries. But it CAN be amazing. Everyone's situation is different but there is no reason at all just because you are with a bi man that it has to be any different than any other relationship. Always here if you need to chat. 

Last edited by CMaree23 (June 22, 2021 1:37 pm)


Straight wife to wonderful Bi husband 
20+ years together, out to me for 17+ 
Monogamous
https://www.morandmore.org/
 

June 26, 2021 3:50 pm  #4


Re: Need to hear some positive stories

It sure can! our MOM even started ‘badly’ with my bisexual husband cheating the first 15 1/2 years (he had been having sex with boys/men since Boy Scouts) until I caught him. (Long story). At any rate, even going through all of that - and, after having the one I love betray & hurt me like that, we’ve managed to get past it and move on. 

Of course, we did have to go through a lot with getting over it……who wouldn’t. However, we were best friends before this & he did stop all activity with men just before I found out…so the last contact he had was 5/31/19. It took a long time for me to begin to trust him again, but it’s happening 😊. He’s proven himself to be honest and trustworthy & that is the reason we’re able to move forward in the first place.

We also started talking…a lot! Communication is a must. I looked up all I could online, books (not much on MOMs there), forums such as this MMOMW, Reddit, and one I’m just joining for women only- Alternate Paths, which I hear is great. I feel the more I learn, the better I can ‘do’ this 😉.

We’re monogamous. I just can’t be married any other way. To me, marriage is between two people. I don’t judge anyone who does it differently, though. It’s totally up to them. I just can’t do it any other way.

Also, therapy is a good idea. You & your husband are in uncharted territory. find someone who is qualified with LGBTQ matters AND is supportive of MOMs. Some are good with LGBTQ, but don’t believe in MOMs. It’s hard to get going with a therapist only to find something like this later. I’ve heard it’s a good idea to interview them first, but we’re having trouble trying to find someone now that will let us talk to the therapist before the appointment that we’ll have to pay for…..so, I don’t know how others do it.

I probably put too much on here….. I tend to do that 😏. 

Post anything any time you want. I know I’ve learned a lot in the last 2 years.

We’ve come a long way! We’re having a wonderful Saturday today- working in the garden together with a lot of affection (something he has had to learn about, but was willing) …..and a “date” tonight, too 🥰. Looking forward to that (we’re 68 (me) & 70 (him), so we tend to plan our ‘dates’ sometimes….. 😜). it’s still fun & we do still get spontaneous. 

If you’re just starting your journey, it will probably be rocky at first & that’s to be expected. they call it the “roller coaster ride”. We have had several weeks go great & then one thing will happen & make it all look like we haven’t made progress……but, we have….it just looks that way. and, remember, we had to get through the cheating….that’s a BIG hurdle & if you don’t have to deal with that, you’re way ahead of the game.

I’ve seen a lot of spouses fully accept the non-straight spouse right away & try to accomodate their special bedroom desires. If you read sub-reddits like MarriedAndBi and Straightspouse (I forgot the exact name & if I look it. up, I’ll lose my typing 😆). Also the MOM groups on Facebook have a lot of that, too. You have to be accepted in the group, but it’s quick.

Good luck & hope to hear more from you!

 

July 28, 2021 6:57 pm  #5


Re: Need to hear some positive stories

I am a straight wife of almost 39 years. I have known for years my husband had an attraction to men, but never confronted it, even after two park arrests. In the last 2 years, things have come to a head as we finally live alone and I am just at the end of my rope. He has admitted to being with 50+ men, but that none of them mean anything. We have both been tested for HIV (negative).....says he doesn't want that lifestyle, but I found an email two weeks ago where he was trying to hookup. He immediately signed up for counseling...only been to one session. At 62, it isn't financially beneficial for me to get a divorce, I am trying to work thru this and need some support.  Can counseling really help him/us?  I love my husband and truly feels he loves me

 

November 21, 2021 11:38 am  #6


Re: Need to hear some positive stories

Hi stronggirl - I am new to the forum and just read your post. Yes! I agree with the replies above that communication is the most important factor. I've been married for 20 years to the same person. When we met, I knew that they had been in a same-sex relationship for 2 years, but they did not identify as bi-. For the first 18 years of our marriage, it was mostly a non-issue. Then a year ago, they told me they still get same-sex feelings at times and now identifed as bi-. They were very clear with me that this did not change anything about our monogamous MOM. They did not want to have any other relationships, they just wanted to be honest with themselves and with me. We have worked through what it means. We now watch more movies w LGBTQ themes, both comment on the same hot actors, and enjoy growing in a relationship that had otherwise, frankly, gotten stale. It has been kindled a new, deeper relationship between us (and just us!). There have been times that I have been insecure (my nature), and I have had to do the work of growing and trusting more (she has never given me reason to doubt her fidelity). They have had to do the work of becoming comfortable expressing a new orientation with me. We are still working on it. But any relationship of 20 years changes as we evolve individually. We have decided that we want to be together forever, and we are making it happen. We are a HappyMOM.
Good luck, take care of yourself!

 

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