Hi Evan, good for you, writing here.  hopefully you are feeling better for the company.  I think you will find your esteem naturally recovers with a bit of time.  

you know what I did - I lay curled up on my bed every afternoon and any physical pain I would lean into it and ask what it was about.  I asked my feelings to talk as they came up, all of them.  and lucky enough to be able to walk on the beach.  I remember one afternoon it was pouring with rain and the grey skies, black with rain and the heaving waves blended together and it was big enough to contain my grief I could see her in the sea spray and instantly I loved her in her black tattered rags of wind and rain - I loved myself for feeling it.

however you do it walking is good.   gardening is good, be it a pot of parsley on the window sill.

let yourself be choosy about who you date.   when you do connect with a straight woman it will feel very different and worth waiting for.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (June 8, 2021 10:08 pm)

Hi Evan,

I appreciate it is nice to remain on good terms but as you say, it is feeling like it is at your expense.  and it is, you have been misled and discarded.  depression is sometimes good - like a warm blanket of snow on aching bare branches.  but sometimes it becomes a way not to feel the anger.   anger is a motivator, it gets you moving, it can be directed into doing good things for yourself rather than being about your ex.

when my mother had a stroke she was put on anti-depressants in the recovery hospital.  I went looking for information online and found a whole forum of stroke survivors who were campaigning to stop the use of anti depressants saying that when you are trying to recover function the last thing you need is something that saps your willpower.  I know I felt like that, I was offered them but didn't take them, I wanted my feelings.  those feelings of resentment envy bitterness anger -  make friends with them.  it is ok, they will not overwhelm you.  You have this.  You are proving this by writing here.  You will be okay in the long run,

the one thing that could really help now is family around you.  If you have some nice family members, reach out to them now.

Evan,
    You really hit the nail on the head here: "The hard part is that it really feels like it’s at the expense of my life that she got [hers]. I mean I’m the one who has to live in the apartment we shared, live in the town we lived in etc. while she’s getting to go live the dream life we planned together in BC (Note both of our families are originally from BC). And I know most of you will say that you can do that too, but I don’t even know what that is anymore."

  This is a huge unfairness/injustice and therefore a hurdle for straight spouses to get over, and it doesn't help that the wider world minimizes the effects of the breakup on us in order to celebrate the "courage" of our gay/lesbian/trans spouses.  Situational depression and anxiety, although they feel pathological because they interfere with day-to-day functioning, are actually reasonable, rational responses to what has happened to us, as is anger.  And if we are prone to depression and anxiety, what we've suffered triggers new bouts, so that's a double whammy. 

 The challenge for you now is to find the ways to get through this period of acute trauma and back to your baseline functioning, so you can employ the techniques you've learned to manage any tendency to stress and depression.  Medication is one way, but if taking sleeping pills is preventing you from activities like exercise that are good life-long, long-term coping strategies, don't hesitate to go back to your prescribing doctor and tell him/her, so the medication can be changed. 

  If morning grogginess is interfering in your helpful exercise routine, you might want to explore other strategies for sleep as well.  Here's a link to a couple of recent NYT articles on sleep: 
https://www.nytimes.com/article/how-to-sleep-better.html
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2021/well/sleep-questions.html

  I personally find that the suggestion in one of the articles to activate the parasympathetic nervous system quite useful in quelling rumination (deep breathing from the diaphragm activates and supports the parasympathetic nervous system).  I use it throughout the day, when I go to bed, and if I wake at night I employ it to get back to sleep.  I don't meditate, preferring to focus on this technique of "box breathing," and I recently stumbled across another useful technique for focusing on breathing, which I like because it also employs touch, which helps the mind keep its focus on the breathing and body: 
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/24/well/pandemic-wellness-meditation.html  

Elle's suggestions of journaling and figuring out a strategy that will allow you to resume your exercise routine are also good suggestions.