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May 27, 2021 11:54 am  #1

What should I do?

Me and my partner have been together for over 10 years.

About 6 years ago, he told me about a homosexual experience that happened years before. He told me that he did it out of curiosity and also to try to understand more about his sexual orientation. He also says that he hated the experience and therefore it only happened once.

Months ago, he created a second life account with a female character and had virtual sex with men. At the same time, he started exercising at home with youtube tutorials for women.
He told me what had happened through the game because he considered it as he was cheating on me and he was feeling guilty.

We had a conversation, he confessed that he has long liked to dress up as a woman and he regularly watches pornography with trans women who have kept their penis. As a child, he liked to try on his mother's clothes.

Years ago and for a while he had doubts about whether he would want to change sex or whether he was homosexual. He assured me that now he is absolutely sure about his sexual orientation and that he wants to be with me. Despite that, it was a huge shock for me. I spent days crying.

This week I found a bag full of women's clothes and lingerie (some brand new and others already used) kept together with his collection of dildos. I don't know what to do.


May 27, 2021 2:10 pm  #2

Re: What should I do?

Hello Orangeleaf,

I am so sorry you find yourself here.  We're a club no one wants to join.

My late ex husband was in the closet the whole time we knew each other, though I thought he was gay. I found out after he died that he had solicited a man dressed as a woman (transwoman with penis)  for sex. He was quite homophobic around gay males in the gay neighborhoods of our city. He had a soft spot for transwomen in the neighborhood where they are known to live. He told me how attractive the feminine looking ones were. I could see they had an adam's apple and told him these were men.

He was fascinated with a transwoman (looked like a woman only due to wearing a dress, sensible older women's  shoes and a wig. Everything else was male.) who sold us tires.  We lived in a liberal city with a large gay population. He had no need for apps to get action. He needed only to walk outside our home.

 I would venture your husband has interest in at least watching and being emotionally involved with trans women who have not had surgery. I would call his behavior emotional cheating. That's cheating in my book. Since they have penises, it's still gay sex.

It is my only my opinion, but I would gather that your husband is weighing the options of transitioning to being a woman.

My GIDXH always said he wasn't gay. I wonder if this was verbal gymnastics - he felt like a woman who was interested in men. Therefore, he was not gay in essence.  Of course, it is gay sexual behavior, but he would use any excuse to avoid being outed.

I can't advise you what to do. I would be concerned with the cheating and that he is not honest if you found female clothing and dildos  He should have told you he has these.

Honesty is the basis for a healthy marriage.  if this were me, I would tell him what I found. I believe this is the way he is. It will not change. If he says something different, he is either repressing this or unwilling to tell you the truth..

You are definitely not alone with something like this. It's heartbreaking.

I would suggest reaching out to a friend, family, a counselor for support. This is not a burden to keep to yourself. Please take a look at the first post of this thread called the First Aid Kit. It has other good suggestions on how to help yourself.

First Aid Kit:  https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

Please post here when you want to or need to. We've been where you are and understand.

Take care,

Edited for clarity.

Last edited by MJM017 (May 27, 2021 2:16 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

May 27, 2021 3:02 pm  #3

Re: What should I do?

My late ex-h was so good at hiding things. I wanted to add that there were things explained away that sounded reasonable then, but raise my suspicions now.

I moved into my husband's apartment when we became engaged in 1993. His mom had lived there with him for a bit when he was in college due to his parents' temporary separation. I was looking through his junk drawer to make room for my things. I found a wig and bobby pins. My first thought was another woman. He said his mom left it behind and he forgot to return it. I found old school mom house dresses for plus sized women in a storage closet. Again, she forget these. I volunteered to mail them to her. He said he knew she didn't want them and put them in the trash.

His story could be true, or he kept them because he put them on?  This was in 1993. I didn't think he was gay or gender dysphoric.  I didn't even know what gender dysphoria was. It was LGB in my our home city then.

Anyway, I thought sharing the above might help.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

May 27, 2021 4:51 pm  #4

Re: What should I do?

   My now-ex, after 32 years of marriage, revealed to me that as a young boy he dressed up in his mother's slip, that he had a history of cross-dressing, including in my discarded bras and panties, watched trans porn and was excited by transwomen who kept their penises, and that he had decided he was transgendered and wanted to transition.  So my story is similar enough to yours that I know how confusing and shocking this can be.  

Our first impulse is to focus on our partners.  Because gender identity (man/woman) and sexual orientation (gay/straight) are separate things, trying to categorize and label our partner's behavior/sexuality is ultimately not easy, it's confusing, and we can get wrapped up in trying to figure them out, because we think we need to figure them out in order to make decisions about how we respond. 

Here's what you now know about your partner and his history: he once had a "homosexual experience" with a man, has created a virtual avatar that is a woman and had sex with men in that persona, has a past history of cross-dressing, watches porn featuring transwomen with penises, has wondered whether he should transition to live as a woman or if he is gay, and, despite his assertion some years ago he assured you he was attracted to you, you have now found dildos and women's clothing, some of it new, which indicates that he is currently cross-dressing.  

  We get so tied up in figuring them out that we don't focus on us, and the questions that really matter have to do with us:  Would I have chosen to be in a relationship with this person if I had known this when I first met him?  Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who exhibits these behaviors?  How do these behaviors make me feel about my partner, myself, my relationship, and my future with a partner who exhibits these changing and escalating behaviors?  What do I want out of my life, and is this state of affairs likely to help me or hurt me as I strive to live the life I want to live?  


Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 27, 2021 4:55 pm)


May 28, 2021 11:27 am  #5

Re: What should I do?

My STBX after 11 years of marriage and together for 16 dropped his news on me that he has been secretly cross dressing since he was 10. He wore his mother's night gowns and would dress off and on before I met him. Also secretly dressed during our marriage and would toss the clothes out and purge them.

He ambushed me with a phone call about being a cross dresser, to being trans, to being a bi-trans. I also found a secret Amazon account with clothes, wigs, makeup and various sex toys. More investigative work I found dating sites, signing up for meeting a crossdresser, sexting nude pics with married men.  He would dress up in his female persona sexting men and the feeling felt "euphoria". A word in 16 years I have never heard come out of his mouth.

During the course of our marriage, he also had a porn addiction. I accidentally stumbled upon him signing up for an account although he never wanted to talk about what type of porn he was watching. He would always say its so disgusting you wouldn't want to know. After all these years,I only found out 3 months ago he was watching transporn. He tried to tell me these videos were "facial feminiziation" and trying ot make it sound better than it was and not being forthcoming. It wasn't till I found the transporn sites, he admitted to what it was all these years. Invisioning himself being the transwoman and getting turned on by being with a man.

After much rage, betrayal and honest conversation- he too told me he was attracted to me. "He" was attracted to me, but "She" wants a new life with a man. Since he is not fully out yet, but on hormones--he's lost in between and still "wants" his old life back but so excited for a new life as "she" always wanted.

I know that you feel shocked, betrayed and full of confusion. I am still on this emotional roller coaster and it's been 6 months. 

We tend to want to fix, focus on our partners and trying to be loyal and save our marriage or relationships, but in the end we forget about our values and who we are when dealing with matters of the heart.  I  am the first to admit I wanted to try to understand, get him a therapist, felt sorry he was "lost", but then I realized I was gaslighted all these years. He had the audacity to hide himself and then cheat and even steal from me to keep up this "secret". He decided to reveal it, not because my life matter but he could not keep up and just broke.

Please take time and get help and talk things through to a friend or therapist. I was bottled up and this forum has helped so much. What is happening to both of us is not easy and down right crazy to me. I am still in shock everyday.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of even disclosing this information, but talking amongst people who are in the same situation really helps.

His gender and sexuality is only for him to understand and it may change. Apparently mine walked out the door to go on a trip and nothing has been the same since. My mind is still blown, but I can't keep asking "why". I will never know "why" this happened this way except for the fact he was not true to me or himself all these years.

Take care.


May 30, 2021 6:02 pm  #6

Re: What should I do?

You said you don't know what to do.  My suggestion is to ask yourself whether on your first date with your husband you would have been ok with someone who:

had "had a homosexual experience" (are you sure it was just one?);
has virtual sex with other men while portraying a woman;
has admitted that his virtual sex is a form of cheating;
likes to dress up as a woman and has since early childhood;
likes trans porn;
has entertained the idea of being a woman;
despite the above list, claims he is "not homosexual" and claims he doesn't want to be a woman; and
is currently maintaining a bag of dildos and women's clothing for his personal use.

Is this acceptable to you?  Would you have been comfortable with this had you learned about it on the first date with him?  If not, you probably have your answer.


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