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1 - clifmasseyjr
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My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
My wife and I have been together for going on 21 years and we have five kids together. Early in our relationship she all but begged me to have a threesome with another woman. That just isn't my thing, but I thought about it. Couldn't pull the trigger.
Fast forward to maybe five or six years ago. She talked a lot about women being attractive. Even sexy. But I didn't think much of that. I know a lot of hetero women that speak like this about women. Guys probably would as well if societal mores weren't as they are.
A couple of years ago my wife got a job where she met a woman that she talked about a lot. She was very attracted to her. She even told me of an instance where she flirted with the woman. This took me aback and was my first inclination that her fascination with women was more than a fascination. She is still very close to this woman and, in fact, took a three day trip to see her as the woman had moved out of town. My wife said they didn't do anything, though they did sleep together nearly nude. According to my wife, the other woman has never hinted at being attracted to my wife. I told her that I believed something would have happened by now had things been different.
Sunday my wife told me that her feelings for other women were getting stronger and that she didn't know what to do about them. She then told me that she had been on a same-sex dating site for the past two weeks and met someone from another city. A woman she is attracted to and has enjoyed conversing with. Again, she said it has been completely platonic. However, as I told her, had I informed her that I met a woman on Tinder and we were "just friends" she would have had a huge problem with this.
She then told me that she wanted to explore the possibility of being with a woman. She asked me if this was OK. I told her that I can't share her and if she wants to go down this road that we need to separate. I have been looking for a room to rent near our place for the past couple of days as we share a car as well as homeschooling five kids together. She also doesn't work so I will have to pay the bills until she gets on her feet if this becomes permanent.
She just told me less than an hour ago that the woman from the dating app asked her to meet. We live four hours from her and they plan to meet in the middle. My wife asked me to help her rent a car for this trip this weekend.
I feel like I've been hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. My wife has always been (even at her own admission) a selfish person, though it isn't malicious. I asked her what she wants and she basically wants to explore this and see if there is anything to it. If there isn't then she would want us to stay together. To her credit, I had to drag that out of her and she recognizes how horrible that is. But I asked her what her ideal situation was and that was basically it. She doesn't expect that from me.
I know she is confused and torn. Part of me thinks this is a curiosity and that she is going to want to come back to me once she has had her fun. Of course I could be completely wrong and she could simply want a relationship with a woman, be dissatisfied with men, be dissatisfied with me, etc. The problem is - and I told her this - is that I can't go back to her after this. I am also trying to conceal my pain and help her through her emotions as she doesn't have anyone else to talk with. Not that I do, but I am typically her sounding board. She hasn't been much of an emotional support to me (again, at her own admission).
I guess I'm just in pain and need to communicate with others about it. It has helped reading stories from the forums and seeing that this is far from uncommon. I wish there was a support group that met in person. It would help to talk it out with others that have been through similar situations.
Anyway, if you've read all of this, thank you and wish me well. After almost 21 years I don't even know what my next move should be.
- Julian_Stone
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
I'm so sorry your wife is treating you this way. I cannot even begin to imagine asking my husband to help me rent a car so I can meet up with an affair partner. This is just highly bizarre behavior.
Is there anyone in your life you can talk to? This situation can be extremely isolating ...and disorienting. I always encourage others to talk to someone—even if it's a counselor. I'm not sure where you're located, but there are in-person support groups through SSN. Someone here may be able to connect you to the right person to contact.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (May 26, 2021 8:23 pm)
- clifmasseyjr
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
Thanks.
I don't have anyone personally to talk to but an SSN counselor in my area did reach out to me. This has definitely been an isolating experience.
I don't think she sees it as an affair at this point, though I think that takes some mental gymnastics. She keeps saying the relationship is platonic. However, she went on a same-sex dating site and found someone she was attracted to with whom to converse. At any rate, it's all a bit too much for me. I asked her to at least wait until I moved out to go on her "date".
Thanks again for your response.
- •
Thread Starter- MJM017
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
Hello, I am so sorry this happened to you. Those are some changes you’ve been through. It can be like a roller coaster.
Please seek out the First Aid Kit (it’s the first post in the General Discussion forum for help. Do you have someone you can confide in - a friend, a family member, a counselor? It’s important to get support during this difficult time.
My situation was different than yours (my late ex husband was a gay in denial), but I know the pain and feelings of rejection.
Please post as often as you need.
Take care,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- clifmasseyjr
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
Thank you MJM017.
I did read through the Fist Aid Kit and it was helpful.
Maybe the roller coaster part comes later, but right now I feel like I'm bungee jumping with a cord that's too long and my face is continually smacking the ground.
I've been contacted by an SSN counselor so hopefully that helps.
This helps as well.
- •
Thread Starter- Daryl
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
It does sometimes help to take the 'same sex' aspect out of the conversation as you did. Marriage does not make us lose all potential attraction to other people, we choose to commit to one. If we believe it's important to keep that commitment intact, we act accordingly and resist the temptation to stray.
You are thinking ahead of the consequences of her exploring, whatever way it turns out. It doesn't sound like she is doing the same. Or her 'line in the sand' is in a very different place than the one you would draw.
Whatever you do, proceed carefully, you have five kids who need you healthy. Post here as much as you need to if there's no local SSN resources in your area. (Check the main SSN website for a list or reach out to them by email or phone. - edit - I see you already did.)
Last edited by Daryl (May 26, 2021 4:47 pm)
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- LostAtSea
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly the shock and devastation to your heart and system.
My STBX hit me with I am a cross dresser, to I am trans, to I am a bi-tranfemale now. He was on "meetacrossdresser.com" talking to married men and "getting affirmation" that he could pass as a woman. I later discovered he was on a dating website and sexting nude pics to married men.
For any straight spouse who finds themselves on SSN...my word for the curious or closeted spouse is "audacity". To have the "audacity" to lie, deceive, cheat when all we do is try to love our partners.
Set your boundaries and do not let her suck you into her drama. It's truly disrespectful for her to even ask this off you. It's hard to be in this position, but you will get throught this.
Please take care of yourself and your children.
- Abby
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
If you are the sole support of your family, which consists of five children and an unemployed spouse, and you are looking into renting a room for yourself it would make sense to take a good look at your finances before taking on new expenses.
A car rental will not be the only expense on this mid-way meetup and credit-card debt can easily get out of hand. Perhaps a discussion of financial realities will provide an unemotional reason to not financially support her exploration.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
- MJM017
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
SSN meetings are done by Zoom in my area. There will not be an in-person meeting for awhile.
Perhaps the SSN can help you get a Zoom meeting invite somewhere in the US. All you need is a smartphone and WiFi/cell data.
Sending good thoughts your way!
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Soaplife
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Re: My wife has been briefly online dating a woman and just told me.
I am so sorry your wife is putting you through this. Taking the gay thing out helps - she is asking you to help her be unfaithful so no wonder you feel shellshocked. Her sense of entitlement is truly headspinning.
If you can see through all the unspeakable and shattering pain - The basic question is "is her behaviour acceptable to you?" Your post indicates that it is completely unacceptable to you. Its ok for you to say no to her idea.
Seeing a lawyer ALONE to check out what divorce would look like for you might give you some valuable information and help you decide what you want to do next.
I would certainly not advise you moving out. Your children are going to need your stable presence and protection. Do not cede your place in your own home and family to her entitlement. Bad idea.
Is her having affair partners in your home with your children acceptable to you? If you move out you leave them fully exposed to her selfishness. I can't quite see how home schooling fits into her future plans either, quite frankly. School fees for five children might be another expense you will be up for.
As someone else suggested, considering her proposal from the financial and logistical perspective would bring some reality into the discussion.
"We can't afford it" is a hard fact.
I would definitely suggest protecting your and your children financially, especially as you are the sole financial supporter of the family. Your earnings are for the family, not for affairs. Her cheating is going to be expensive (as you are discovering) and she has already acted behind your back in actively pursuing other people before telling you.
Im so sorry and all this sounds so harsh, especially so early in the discovery stage as you are. None of us ever want it to be true. But she is blowing up your old life and you need to think ahead for the sake of your sanity and your children's well being.
Good luck, be strong. Blue Bear's posts on SSN are great and if you want kick-ass advice, wisdom and support from tons of people who have been cheated on and survived and then thrived, look at the Chump Lady website.