I'm so sorry your wife is treating you this way. I cannot even begin to imagine asking my husband to help me rent a car so I can meet up with an affair partner. This is just highly bizarre behavior.

Is there anyone in your life you can talk to? This situation can be extremely isolating ...and disorienting. I always encourage others to talk to someone—even if it's a counselor. I'm not sure where you're located, but there are in-person support groups through SSN. Someone here may be able to connect you to the right person to contact. 

Last edited by Julian_Stone (May 26, 2021 8:23 pm)

Thank you MJM017.

I did read through the Fist Aid Kit and it was helpful.

Maybe the roller coaster part comes later, but right now I feel like I'm bungee jumping with a cord that's too long and my face is continually smacking the ground.

I've been contacted by an SSN counselor so hopefully that helps.

This helps as well.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I know exactly the shock and devastation to your heart and system.

My STBX hit me with I am a cross dresser, to I am trans, to I am a bi-tranfemale now. He was on "meetacrossdresser.com" talking to married men and "getting affirmation" that he could pass as a woman. I later discovered he was on a dating website and sexting nude pics to married men. 

For any straight spouse who finds themselves on SSN...my word for the curious or closeted spouse is "audacity". To have the "audacity" to lie, deceive, cheat when all we do is try to love our partners.

Set your boundaries and do not let her suck you into her drama.  It's truly disrespectful for her to even ask this off you. It's hard to be in this position, but you will get throught this. 

Please take care of yourself and your children.

I am so sorry your wife is putting you through this.  Taking the gay thing out helps - she is asking you to help her be unfaithful so no wonder you feel shellshocked. Her sense of entitlement is truly headspinning.

If you can see through all the unspeakable and shattering pain - The basic question is "is her behaviour acceptable to you?" Your post indicates that it is completely unacceptable to you.  Its ok for you to say no to her idea.

Seeing a lawyer ALONE to check out what divorce would look like for you might give you some valuable information and help you decide what you want to do next.

I would certainly not advise you moving out.  Your children are going to need your stable presence and protection.  Do not cede your place in your own home and family to her entitlement.  Bad idea.


Is her having affair partners in your home with your children acceptable to you? If you move out you leave them fully exposed to her selfishness. I can't quite see how home schooling fits into her future plans either, quite frankly. School fees for five children might be another expense you will be up for.

As someone else suggested, considering her proposal from the financial and logistical perspective would bring some reality into the discussion.
"We can't afford it" is a hard fact. 

I would definitely suggest protecting your and your children financially, especially as you are the sole financial supporter of the family. Your earnings are for the family, not for affairs.  Her cheating is going to be expensive (as you are discovering) and she has already acted behind your back in actively pursuing other people before telling you.

Im so sorry and all this sounds so harsh, especially so early in the discovery stage as you are. None of us ever want it to be true.  But she is blowing up your old life and you need to think ahead for the sake of your sanity and your children's well being. 

Good luck, be strong.  Blue Bear's posts on SSN are great and if you want kick-ass advice, wisdom and support from tons of people who have been cheated on and survived and then thrived, look at the Chump Lady website.

THANK YOU ALL!!!

This has been one of the most unbearable 24 hour periods of my life. If I had not found SSN, I don't know where I would be mentally or emotionally.

Seeing strangers posting and comforting and giving advice to me out of the kindness of their hearts has simply blown me away. And I was put in touch with a text group that talked with me until almost midnight last night. Everyone of them - and every one of you - is an angel.

I did tell my wife that I cannot agree to an open relationship. I told her I cannot share her. She would like to pursue this and come back to me if it's not what she wants. I told her that avenue would not be available to her. That she has to make a choice now. She has made her choice. And so I move on.

The car rental thing really threw me. She is drawing unemployment and offered to pay me back for the rental. However, I was disgusted that she would even ask - even though she insists the relationship is platonic. I've asked her several times if she would be OK with me asking her to rent me a car to go see a woman out of state that I was just "friends" with. She just doesn't seem to understand how horrible she has been. Thank you all for confirming for me that I am right to be upset (at least) about her bringing this to me.

Today, I woke up feeling better. Tomorrow, I imagine it will be better, still. Thanks again to everyone that commented and supported me. I can never repay you for your kindness.