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1 - Fury2021
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Feel replaced...
Edit***I did have paragraphs, not sure where they went. Sorry for what looks to be a wall of text.
New to this board and fairly new to this site. Apologies in advance, I'm throwing words on the screen with little care how it looks. Just want to write down my story to form some contextI'm 36M and she is a 34F. We started dating in 2013 and married in 2017. in 2018 we had a son. No inklings that she was gay. She even talked about how some male celebrities were attractive. The fun - Between 18 and 24 months ago, wife says "i think i'm bisexual." and to her i respond "im not really sure what you want me to say..so ok". During this time, she is slowly distancing herself from me. Not wanting to spend time together, not wanting to have conversations. Trying really hard to find friends. For her friends are people that she can meet somewhere. I play video games online with a group, and thats what i would call friends. Just to setup a distinction.
We tried Marriage counseling here and there. She had a program through her work that we could a small amount of sessions free. So we tried one therapist that we didn't feel was helpful. Fast forward a little bit we tried another one during Covid. So it was all by phone. We would have one session and another one was never scheduled. Things would get better for a week. Then poof back to normal. Then we would schedule another session. I think we only ever had 3 sessions with this person. To which i got blamed for not scheduling another session, mind you the program through her work. Moving on.
We still would spend time with our son, but at times we would argue. I'm sure at times i was the cause of an argument, and at times her. This would be what i think was the catalyst for her to just come out and say "i think i'm gay." this happened maybe 6 months or less ago. She says that she will try to work out her feelings. To this i say "ok". Again what do i say. So we continue the charade of her doing her thing and I'm doing my thing and occasionally meeting in the middle for our son. a couple months back or so, we got into an argument over something small(or I think was small) and she got really upset and told me she was looking for a place to live and she was done with me. Later on adding the part about being gay. I talked her off the ledge yet again. She agreed to wait a little bit longer to "find herself". And once again, back to the doing our things. Shortly after, i have a talk with her. I can see this is going nowhere, so i propose to her that i wont stop her or anything if she wants to find a woman to have relations with to see how it felt. At times she has mentioned she did not what to put me through an open relationship, but i guess this time was different. So we had that talk, it was supposed to be essentially a tinder style arrangement. (Early-Mid April)Well she finds someone rather quick. Talking days after this talk. No problem, i agreed to this. It was time to honor my word. Turns out, that the plan was to not sleep with this person but to go on a date. A date to feel out a person you want to sleep with, sure thats fine. But another date and another date. Now i know the whole "privacy" concern about seeing someone's text messages. Well I have access to my wifes ipad and on occasion i check it. I dont use any information against her, but to say that it doesn't cut me on the inside would be a lie. After a month, this person who i thought was my wife was already telling a woman that she loved her. Wants to spend her life with her and the discussion of one of them having a child was throw out. All the while disparaging me in the process. Discussions of meeting this new woman almost immediately instead of waiting a few months. The logic is "i dont see this person going anywhere". Lots of other texts that i think are lies or stretches of the truth. I can also see when she is lying to me. Its quite disappointing. But i like to think thats her guilt getting the best of her.
I find myself going from playing it cool, to obviously it bothers me immensely. The thought of now sharing my son cuts me to the core. This woman gets to find happiness in another person and i get to wear this cloud. My son brings me happiness. But when he isn't here, i will be alone in a house.(silver lining, maybe it will stay clean...) I dont have any thoughts of self harm, not unless you consider deep thought about the direction my life has taken harmful. I dont drink or smoke, so thats not going to be a problem.
I know that we are all here for basically the same reasons at the core. But for anyone else, how long did it take for you to get over the feelings of being replaced.(also feels good to write it down)
Last edited by Fury2021 (May 26, 2021 7:05 am)
- Leslie77
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Re: Feel replaced...
Hello Fury,
I'm sorry you have to be here. But, welcome, there are many sincere posters on this Forum. It helped me immensely when I began my sad journey.
What stuck out in your post - your wife said she was going to meet someone to date and a month later was in love? To me, it sounds like the other woman was not new. I would not be surprised if she was someone your wife has been involved with for awhile. That makes at least two major lies that she has told you.
You are not alone. This is a terrible situation to go through. I would suggest, at least for the time being, focus on yourself and your son. You said it felt good to write down what happened - you may want to try journaling.
I don't know what else to say except hang in there. Maybe you and your wife can work things out, maybe not. You both have to be willing to work at your relationship. A friend of mine gave me an analogy once. She said "You and your husband are paddling in the boat of marriage but he's not doing his share. In fact, he doesn't even have an oar."
All the best. Whatever happens, you will get over it in time. From my experience, this is the worst part.
- Daryl
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Re: Feel replaced...
I wouldn't say for certain this person was know in advance, especially if it was via some sort of dating app, but I have personally seen cases like this. Someone finally expressing their true sexuality and then, like a puppy-love teen, falling for one of the first people they meet. Often those types of relationships don't last because they are more about receiving that personal validation than a true match of compatible people. In any event, I don't think it's healthy to pin any hope on a breakup/return to the fold, nor do you want to be the 'safe port in the storm' until the sun comes out again.
I've also seen that sort of drifting away you described where nothing is overtly wrong (or stated as so) yet something is not right either. Later on my ex said something along the lines of that she might have been trying to make it so bad that I would have decided to end things.
In any event, the feeling of being discarded is not something anyone would be happy with. I can't tell if there's been a decision to end things or if she is presenting this as just a friendship, finding myself, type of thing. No matter, if you're not happy, that's valid. Don't blame yourself for allowing her to explore. It was what you thought was correct. (And let's face it, could you really have prevented it?)
As for the cloud, it's not permanent but you can do things to help it dissipate. It requires you to place some focus on yourself. For starters, talk about it. However you do that is your choice. Something I read recently struck me as valuable advice - don't man up, open up. Close friends can make good sounding boards. Counselors are very good at bringing you to say what you really feel without judgement or offering their own theories. You mentioned writing this helped. You can come here and do that as often as you like. SSN also has resources on their main website. There's a pinned 1st aid kit post in the general section. Not everything might apply to your situation but some things would probably resonate.
I'd suggest you start thinking about what direction you are going. Are the two of you going to reconcile or not? Is an open marriage comfortable for both parties? (And who is it open for?) If not and separation/divorce is necessary, what's the time frame? If it needs to wait for something financial to be achieved or post-pandemic reopening, what are the ground rules in the meantime? As for your son, the general consensus seems to be that your son will be happier with two happy parents in two different homes than two parents barely speaking in a single home. The other consensus is that a child being young is not a barrier to moving on, other than explanations need to be age-appropriate and evolve over time. Some here who had multiple kids say the 'new normal' was easier with the younger kids than their teens or tweens.
Take care and be well.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- lily
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Re: Feel replaced...
Hi Fury,
This sounds pretty terrible. I think you might find like I did that living alone has its benefits, one of them being absence of the loved one. I slept better from day one.
I wouldn't be so sure you've been replaced just yet, but what you are losing whatever she does is the best friend in life you thought she was.
wishing you all the best, Lily
- Rob
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Re: Feel replaced...
Fury2021,
So sorry. It took me many many months to get over that feeling of replacement. I think it was the arrogance and entitlement that my GX could cheat and discard with cruel intent that got me to where I needed to be. Was she a God? Was she some omnipotent being? NO...just a hurtful person...if she could discard me and all our years of marriage so easily...I found that frightening...not someone I wanted to be with.
Know that you are worth more than she can ever imagine. We love fiercely and loyally. Our love does not change with the wind or when another person comes along. We do not discard and replace those we love. No.. you are worth so much more...
Best wishes of courage and fortitude.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Fury2021
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Re: Feel replaced...
lily wrote:
Hi Fury,
This sounds pretty terrible. I think you might find like I did that living alone has its benefits, one of them being absence of the loved one. I slept better from day one.
I wouldn't be so sure you've been replaced just yet, but what you are losing whatever she does is the best friend in life you thought she was.
wishing you all the best, Lily
Hi Lily, Thank you for the kind response.
I lived alone prior to her moving many years ago. It had its pros and cons. I wont be alone all the time. Still have my son the days i have him.
I do find myself trying to have normal conversations with her and at first its fine, but i find that my resentment gets the better of me and i just have to walk away.
- •
Thread Starter- Fury2021
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Re: Feel replaced...
message
Last edited by Fury2021 (May 28, 2021 9:21 am)
- •
Thread Starter- Fury2021
- Member
Offline
Re: Feel replaced...
Hello Fury,
I'm sorry you have to be here. But, welcome, there are many sincere posters on this Forum. It helped me immensely when I began my sad journey.
What stuck out in your post - your wife said she was going to meet someone to date and a month later was in love? To me, it sounds like the other woman was not new. I would not be surprised if she was someone your wife has been involved with for awhile. That makes at least two major lies that she has told you.
You are not alone. This is a terrible situation to go through. I would suggest, at least for the time being, focus on yourself and your son. You said it felt good to write down what happened - you may want to try journaling.
I don't know what else to say except hang in there. Maybe you and your wife can work things out, maybe not. You both have to be willing to work at your relationship. A friend of mine gave me an analogy once. She said "You and your husband are paddling in the boat of marriage but he's not doing his share. In fact, he doesn't even have an oar."
All the best. Whatever happens, you will get over it in time. From my experience, this is the worst part.
Thank you for the kind Post Leslie,
We are both very clear on no Reconciliation. Shes flying the pride banner and not looking back.
I hope to get to a place where i can look her in the face and not feel like she took something from me she can never give back.
Im with you on this woman not being as new as she claims. But unfortunately, i only have what i have found and what she has told me. Im sure im missing some pieces.
Last edited by Fury2021 (May 28, 2021 9:22 am)
- •
Thread Starter- Fury2021
- Member
Offline
Re: Feel replaced...
I wouldn't say for certain this person was know in advance, especially if it was via some sort of dating app, but I have personally seen cases like this. Someone finally expressing their true sexuality and then, like a puppy-love teen, falling for one of the first people they meet. Often those types of relationships don't last because they are more about receiving that personal validation than a true match of compatible people. In any event, I don't think it's healthy to pin any hope on a breakup/return to the fold, nor do you want to be the 'safe port in the storm' until the sun comes out again.
I've also seen that sort of drifting away you described where nothing is overtly wrong (or stated as so) yet something is not right either. Later on my ex said something along the lines of that she might have been trying to make it so bad that I would have decided to end things.
In any event, the feeling of being discarded is not something anyone would be happy with. I can't tell if there's been a decision to end things or if she is presenting this as just a friendship, finding myself, type of thing. No matter, if you're not happy, that's valid. Don't blame yourself for allowing her to explore. It was what you thought was correct. (And let's face it, could you really have prevented it?)
As for the cloud, it's not permanent but you can do things to help it dissipate. It requires you to place some focus on yourself. For starters, talk about it. However you do that is your choice. Something I read recently struck me as valuable advice - don't man up, open up. Close friends can make good sounding boards. Counselors are very good at bringing you to say what you really feel without judgement or offering their own theories. You mentioned writing this helped. You can come here and do that as often as you like. SSN also has resources on their main website. There's a pinned 1st aid kit post in the general section. Not everything might apply to your situation but some things would probably resonate.
I'd suggest you start thinking about what direction you are going. Are the two of you going to reconcile or not? Is an open marriage comfortable for both parties? (And who is it open for?) If not and separation/divorce is necessary, what's the time frame? If it needs to wait for something financial to be achieved or post-pandemic reopening, what are the ground rules in the meantime? As for your son, the general consensus seems to be that your son will be happier with two happy parents in two different homes than two parents barely speaking in a single home. The other consensus is that a child being young is not a barrier to moving on, other than explanations need to be age-appropriate and evolve over time. Some here who had multiple kids say the 'new normal' was easier with the younger kids than their teens or tweens.
Take care and be well.
Thank you for the kind post Daryl,
No particular timeframe. We were going to wait until the fall and file. In my State a divorce takes up to 4 months to finalize. While that happens. i will be on her insurance.
I dont think she wants to do an open relationship. I think for her, coming out as gay is a fresh start. She wants a relationship with this new woman and well, having the wrong parts puts this all in a weird spot.
I did review the First aid kit. Some good info in there.
I have been talking to people i know. Some people that were outside my circle. Some new people. Getting perspective.
You are 100% right on the could i really have prevented it. Kind of a sad way to look at it dont you think?
- •
Thread Starter- Fury2021
- Member
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Re: Feel replaced...
Fury2021,
So sorry. It took me many many months to get over that feeling of replacement. I think it was the arrogance and entitlement that my GX could cheat and discard with cruel intent that got me to where I needed to be. Was she a God? Was she some omnipotent being? NO...just a hurtful person...if she could discard me and all our years of marriage so easily...I found that frightening...not someone I wanted to be with.
Know that you are worth more than she can ever imagine. We love fiercely and loyally. Our love does not change with the wind or when another person comes along. We do not discard and replace those we love. No.. you are worth so much more...
Best wishes of courage and fortitude.
Hi Rob, Thank you for the kind post.
The sad part of it all, she keeps saying she understands. How could she possibly understand? I mean, im not crying or anything in front of her. But i am voicing my opinion about the sitation. Im sure there is a thing, that perpatrator of the pain starts to get upset when the victim complains too much in their eyes. I think thats the point we are at. I do hate the emphasis society places on people finding themselves and honoring committments take a backseat "because ma feewings", Ugh so irritating.
- •
Thread Starter