Hello Qwerty,

I am very sorry you are are going through a rough time.

I urge you to call or online chat with this suicide prevention agency if you are contemplating suicide. I called my local Suicide Prevention Hotline during TGT.  It helped. If that is not enough, call 911. This is the emergency number in the US. 

I’ve used these free short meditation for over five years to calm my mind. I was surprised at their effectiveness for me. They were developed by the University of California at Los Angeles School of Medicine.   I use the Meditation for Working With Difficulties (7 minutes long) or the Loving Kindness Meditation (9 minutes long).

https://www.uclahealth.org/marc/patients

Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

Best,
Maria

Qwerty,

I know what you are going through, it resembles enough to my situation 16 years ago. That first year after disclosure was by far the worst year of my life.
When my wife told me she was lesbian, it was a shock but I didn't really understood what that would mean. That is: How I would realy feel about it, the impact it would have on me, and what it would do to our relation. 
The uncertainty about the future, uncertainty what my wife would do, how in earth I could cope with all the scenario's that formed in my head... 
We had four children, what about our family? The list of fears went on and on in my thoughts, and caused a high level of stress.

Like you, I tried to talk with my wife, hoping that would ease my mind, hoping to get some grip and control over it. If I only really knew what was going on in her mind... I would feel more save. And initially we talked, but it was clear it impacted me a lot emotionally. 
It caused me hurt that I couldn't deal with that fast. Dealing with my emotions wasn't my strong side, I was used to rationalize to keep things in check. But that 'method' failed in face of the problem at hand.
My wife saw what it did to me, and didn't want to hurt me, so she didn't want to tell more. But also for her it wasn't that easy to find the right words to express it all. It was confusing and contradictionary to herself too. 
When she tried to tell about herself, I would easily misinterpret (being on edge myself, though I tried to hide it) which caused unnecessary extra trouble. There certainly was a chance it could spiral out of control, so it acutally wasn't that bad an idea not to open to fast. You got to take it slow, even if it seems to hinder progress.

Like you probably know from my story, my wife had fallen in love with a woman, and though contact was broken, these feelings were still there. Which was very stressful for me to notice. What she felt for that woman should have been her feelings for me (all along)! 
Man, this was hard to take! On top of that, these feelings were noticeably directed at someone else, a woman. A given fact that caused that I felt powerless to compete with. My wife felt all kinds of new feelings and on clouds falling in love. So she wasn't thinking that rationaly on the whole, and not the person to stear the situation to a good place. So it all was a chaotic and emotional mess, I regulary felt desparate like you.

But now I can reflect on this period in my life, and give you some advice. I hope you don't discard it because I'm religious, God didn't perform miracles that lifted me out of trouble. I went through it like any man.

- Accept your wife as she is, her sexual orientation is not her choice and not an evil plot against you. She's trying to cope with it herself. It's a question and struggle for her how to do this. She cannot deny what she feels, but she doesn't want to lose you or harm your family.

- Focus on possitive stories and activly ignore the others. Your biggest adversary at the moment is fear, don't feed it! Let the light of hope shine in. Nobody can guarantee success, but you and your wife are the main characters in it. You two define the outcome, nobody else.

- Don't feel obliged to swim with the stream. Be obstinate. think independently, be aware to use your freedom of mind, and move in it. Who's telling you what to do? Would you allow to let them? Be free, think free!

- When you really communicate, know and be known and accepted to the deepest levels, you'll realize your relation becomes what it's meant to be. Don't try to restore what was (it had good intentions but it was wanting), start something new and better!


I don't know the personality of your wife, but if she's a bit like the the things I write, it can all turn out very differently than you think. This crisis you're in now, could turn out to be the pivot that launches your relation to something better than you or your wife imagined.
It can potentially change you both, and when you look back to this period in time you'll be grateful it happened. 


Practically for short term:

Don't rush it, allow yourself and your wife time to formulate thoughts and feelings and time to process. Don't push or force. Find rest in your mind, allow yourself to think of hope of a possitive future, take regular walks (forrest) and give your mind a rest. 

It would help to find couples counseling, someone who can help getting communication going, a bit like a mediator. At first to guide the process of really talking and expressing, someone that helps understand emotions, allows those to be, while you and your wife learn to talk.
Mind you: This isn't an easy thing, the first couple of months it was so difficult for me! Confronting me with myself and with the situation I and my wife was in. It takes time, so allow it to develop (and make very sure you have a good therapist!)

ok, Qwerty - so I am sitting here wanting to help, knowing what you need and not knowing how to say it.  

bold is best I guess.  This is not possible, some on the ground support for you required - she has her closet.  On the other hand you are you, you are a real person, you are facing something that all of us have found we cannot cope with alone. You need support.  You need some support on the ground.  Best is family.  

I've just remembered something - I was in such shock when I realised my husband was GID I literally fell to the ground.  I lay there alone in the dark as the light of the computer died unable and unwilling to move - and I had this thought - what he does is up to him but I can tell, and I completely promised myself I would.  that was enough to get me off the ground.  that's how important it was to break the closet's spell.

It's innate - intimacy comes with the seal of the confessional - instinctively I'd protected his secret but now the seal was broken.  I spoke with a friend and I went to the doctor.  And that really did something for me, I felt better, more grounded straight away.  more me again - it helped, it was comforting in a little sort of way.

you are strong and a good man, that is clear from your posts, keep on taking it step by step.  talking here is good, we can help as much as we can of course.

Last edited by lily (May 22, 2021 3:10 pm)

Qwerty... The fork in the road is only relevant if you see it, feel it, believe in it, acknowledge it... and know it's the path you should take.

Decisions in our kind of situation need to be thought out long and hard. For myself I had to become less emotional about what I was giving up...

Elle.

Edited to say.. It took 3 years to become less emotional

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 22, 2021 8:01 pm)

It's good to hear you both had a good talk and want to go for a MOM. Opening up isn't that easy, because this aspect was troublesome in the last months: Your wife felt confused and pressured, you felt lonely and without hope, it's very intense and quite something you came through this without it spiraling out of control.

Now she knows your stance is open and willing to accept, this gives room for openness. But I think it takes time for her to gain trust in this to develop.
This also goes for your acceptance, because you won't know what your acceptance really means, until your wife is open about what she feels.
The only way is talking, and go little by little. Things are disclosed, how do you react to it? is it save to disclose more?
Are you hurt by what she tells, can you cope with it?  
You're facing a real and very complex problem in your relation, it'll take a lot of time and effort to work it out.

When we had to deal with this, it was sort of a complicated dance. It took many months (and some aspects even years), it may seem cumbersome but it's unavoidable to do it that way.
Going for direct and clear answers was not the way to go for us. I tried it, but my wife would block and put up a wall. That frustrated me and my wife felt miserable about having those talks. While that's just the opposite of what you want.

It's more effective to approach it indirectly: work on your relation in general like sharing feelings, listening and understanding what the other tells, plan relaxed and pleasant moments together etc. Work on the quality of your relation, that will regain trust and motivate to work it out.
Did I mention couples counseling? ;) but if that's not possible, maybe buy a good book about improving a relation that you both read and discuss together. Chances are that after some time the topic of sexual orientation will emerge, ideally your wife starts about it. But then she doesn't feel pressured and feels secure enough to start to address this together with you.