This is an open forum for sharing advice. People share what they think will be relevant. Some may not like what others share, but I have found nearly all people do so hospitably.

Can this experience ultimately be positive? Absolutely! But is it positive by default? No. 

As an example of how this "negativity" isn't SSN specific, let's look at the Straight Bi Partners subreddit. Out of 25 posts in the past 30 days, 8 (32%) are by TangledOil and 100% positive. Of those created by others, 12 out of the remaining 17 (70%) are negative. These are stories of people's lives imploding across days, months, or years. Of those that are in MOMs, nearly 100% say they would do things differently.

Here are what the original posters on this subreddit are saying:

"I just feel like a part of me has died and that my marriage is doomed."

"My bi husband is trying to figure out himself and if he can be content in our marriage after suppressing it his whole life."

"Though I feel okay with him having MM sexual experiences during this period, I feel anxiety at the thought of him having emotional/romantic relations with other people."

"But then... he started asking for other things. First it was an open relationship, but after talking it out he "compromised" with "just" jerking off online with other guys. But even this I can't wrap my head around. He said that he was doing it for "us", to improve our relationship and to beat the bi-cycle."

"I couldn’t figure out what was up, but it crossed my mind that his sexuality was at the forefront of it. Eventually I had enough and asked if he had a “girlfriend or boyfriend.” That’s when he admitted he finally came to accept he’s bi. He only recently accepted it."

"It has been about 14 years since I found out. It hasn't been easy. If I could go back I would do so many things differently... but that is so easy to say NOW being on the other side of it all."

"After a week away, my husband came home to tell me that he is 100% gay and wants to live his life as such. He is happy in our relationship, but not happy enough not to hope to meet and have an emotional and physical relationship with a man. Now the process of separating the life we created during 13 years together begins."

"My life was turned upside down 8 months ago, and there’s no way for me to take a break from my new reality. - I have started not to trust him because he lies by omission. If I don’t ask specific questions, he won’t share his feelings/actions. -I think he’s being selfish. "

The top comment is often someone...encouraging them to move on.

We should encourage people to trust their gut, understand other cases, weigh the options, and make the decision that feels best to their heart. If they want to do so elsewhere, awesome! We shouldn't be afraid of that, we should support it.

In my opinion, it is the ultimate respect to give someone your honest thoughts. To encourage more positivity and no mention of the possible challenges is naive at best, purposefully damaging at worst.

Last edited by Upside (May 24, 2021 3:52 pm)

Upside, 

It’s difficult to interpret the quotes you posted above as many of them are taken out of context. I’m not sure where you were going with that. Some are not negative or positive, just simply statements of facts. Many of these people only recently found out and for some a MOM certainly isn’t an option. I’m not sure anyone is able to say within a week or two of discovery they are certain that a MOM is the right choice for them. That is the situation for some. We don’t tend to barrage the newcomers with “your spouse is a cheating gay” when they haven’t stated as much and that’s where we pride ourself. If someone comes and says their spouse is a a cheater we believe them...

I wrote this... as a statement of fact. This was when he first came out. Rough time for sure, but that doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile. If this is the roughest time we have in 30 years I still say it's worth it. 

"I couldn’t figure out what was up, but it crossed my mind that his sexuality was at the forefront of it. Eventually I had enough and asked if he had a “girlfriend or boyfriend.” That’s when he admitted he finally came to accept he’s bi. He only recently accepted it."

 

Tangled 

 

Last edited by TangledOil (May 24, 2021 4:42 pm)

Tangled,
Can't say that I've ever seen a barrage of comments to newcomers on here that say “your spouse is a cheating gay”. Actually, to me, a cheating spouse is not the worst thing that happens to many who come here.  It's the deception and all the losses and damage that come with it.  We're lost and broken and not sure where we belong in the world. 

Lynne, 

I don’t recall word for word, but I have been told my husband is gay, not bi. I have been told my husband has been hooking up with men, etc... 

I’ve never once suggested I thought he was gay. I never once suggested I thought he was cheating. This was all deduced by STRANGERS who presume to know my marriage better than I do. 

That’s where I take issue. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (May 24, 2021 5:09 pm)

TangledOil wrote:

...I also hear from many whose situation is more similar to mine and they are looking for comfort and compassion on SSN and they don’t find it and move on... and that may just be the way it needs to be. ..

Tangled 

I call bullshit on " they don't find it and move on " but see it as simply not the kind of compassion and support that new straight spouse is wanting. Again no fault of this Forum

I think you're correct "and that may just be the way it needs to be"

Elle