SusanneH wrote:

However, when a straight spouse comes here and pours out their heart, no matter the problem, and then asks:
”What can I do to save my marriage?”  Or “Can it work if he’s bi or gay” or anything that asks how can I make it work?........
we should be trying to help that person with that dilemma. Help them learn how to navigate their MOM.
But only if they post in the MOM section right? Because people come here and distressingly post wherever but more often than not one of us will suggest the MOM board. I'm frustrated that the rest of the Forum are being described as they are when they can only speak from their own situations. And even more  amazed that apparently nobody has a mind of their own or can think and read for themselves
There is a group (maybe more than one) that has a rule: (not worded exact) - Never tell anyone to leave their marriage. It’s just not up to us....same,same Suzanne...it's not up to anybody to tell them their marriage is worth saving either. I tried several times to join one of the Yahoo MOM sites. Incredibly difficult to be accepted so I gave up trying and asked Admin here if there could be a place where undecided spouses could connect with others of the same undecided ilk. Many members were against it, I persued it because I hadn't come to the full realisation of my situation. Now I have...I didn't need to post there and I'd be disappointed if it was deleted as an option. .

It was mentioned by someone that they read the MOM section even though they aren’t in a MOM. Msybe I’m an outlier because I don’t really look anywhere else on SSN but the MOM section. Initially I did, but I found the MOM section to be the only place I felt understood. There are sections that I seriously try to avert my eyes from wandering. I’ve become quite selective over time. I have only so much time to dedicate to this and I choose wisely.

MJM017 wrote:

TangledOil,

I had a scary marriage to a man in the closet who beat and threatened me. He refused to work and stole my hard earned money.  I wanted to leave him earlier, but was in fear of my life if I did so.

I don’t know if you’ve seen me write about this. I have written often about my courtship and marriage to him. He passed away. It’s safe for me to write about it.

I politely ask that you be cognizant of people who need to stay in a MOM to keep them and their children alive.

Here are the unpleasant statistics for the US.  Sorry if it’s a repeat.

https://ncadv.org/STATISTICS

 
I am truly sorry for what you’ve endured. It’s horrible and I absolutely believe your story. No one deserves to be treated that way. I feel exceptionally fortunate. And I empathize with what you’ve gone through. I’m certainly not for people staying in a MOM that’s at all risky. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years. He’s never raised his voice to me... I’ve probably more likely raised my voice at him a few times. He’s never threatened me in any way, shape or form. He’s never been violent. He’s always loving and attentive. I certainly wouldn’t advocate staying in a MOM that wasn’t an otherwise healthy situation with the complexities of an element of same sex attraction. I’ve known since the beginning all those years ago that my husband wasn’t quite straight. None of this surprised me when he finally said he’s bi. He was the victim of childhood sexual abuse very young by someone he trusted. He was so young he didn’t know it was at all inappropriate... and it was enjoyable. He’s always attributed it to that... until 2-3 years ago when he decided to go from framing it as the result of victimization to bisexual. I think the reframing was healthy for him but of course it raised other questions. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story with me.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (May 21, 2021 4:46 pm)

I think the problem of the SSN forum is that the people who are not-straight in a marriage, seem to be considered cheating evil doers by definition.
While they are just humans like any spouses. And sure some are bad, even evil. But that's not the default situation that should be assumed. Even when it's the straight spouse who posts here.

Daryl wrote:

I also think it's important to treat first time posters with special care. Some are shell-shocked, maybe hoping we have a magic solution, desperately clinging to the familiar instead of this scary unknown future. When you are in that position, you don't need to be overloaded in advice that's intended for someone further down the road. Triage is about stabilizing the patient. It is true that we sometimes get a new member who is well down the road and asking deep questions, in which case it's fine to get just as deep with the responses. I think these are the exceptions. I think our first steps are acknowledging the poster and listening to them. Once we get a good sense of what they are facing, we can better tailor our responses.

I agree with your argument. But it also expresses the presumption a situation is guilty unless proven innocent. Which is the overall look and feel of the SSN forum.
I imagine a first time poster, who's in shock and doesn't know what to do, posting on "Support". Which is fine, and should be what it promises to provide.
But they are subsequentaly overloaded with doomsday scenario's, and sometimes uncalled-for predictions and examples of people whose marriages went down the drain.
And I do understand reactions that stem from terrible personal experiences. Those stories are horrific without any doubt.

There is a topic in "Is he/she gay" where I get the impression everybody is presumed to be gay. I'm almost tempted to create an anonymous account to get my orientation checked, which undoubtedly will be dubbed gay.
But even then, what if the verdict "gay/lesbian, not straight" is right? What of it?

The great lack in it all: What it's about this not-straight person? What is his or hers personality?
As if this doesn't mind, and is not relevant. Seemingly all one needs to know is sexual orientation.... Well... the human being degraded to sexual prevalence and urges.
So... It's not whether that gay/lesbian is a narcissist selfish cheating bastard... or an upright loving person? It doesn't seem to matter.
Why isn't that question relevant and asked?!!!
But shouldn't this be the central observation? The thing it all hinges on? The "triage" it should be?

“There is a topic in "Is he/she gay" where I get the impression everybody is presumed to be gay.”

Without a doubt my husband was said to be gay after I posted one time in that section. It seems no one there believes that bisexual people exist. Also it’s presumed that everyone who is gay is an awful cheating, gaslighting, narcissist ... and while some people of every sexual orientation can claim all that, I think it’s wrong to assume that bisexual doesn’t exist and that they are all in fact gay and horrible people. The individual persons characteristics should be given consideration, but in that particular thread nothing else matters.