Hello everyone.

I have known my husband since I was 7 years old. We sorta grew up together and then later attended High School together. We eventually began seriously dating at 21 and married at 24. We have been married for 29 years almost 30. We have 3 adult children. 

I have always I some way suspected my husband was gay or seriously metro sexual. He has always cared about his appearance and his style and taste is more on the feminine side (if you can still say that) we used to call him "Just Jack" because he loves to decorate the house. He is definitely not an outdoors kinda of man. 

We were in a monogamous marriage until the age of 40 when we dabbled in a bit of swinging. This involved mostly if not all just men coming into our bed. That is when I began to suspect in Ernest that he was gay. His reaction brought out a aversion in me. So I cut all of that off and said that if he wanted to pursue that he would have to do that without me and that we would split up. He assured me up and down that he did not like that at all that he was doing it for me (SMDH). So I said been there done that don't want to do it again. 

A few months after he brooches the subject once more may be can try again. I turned it down, he would bring it up periodically and I would become suspicious again. I got so tired of saying no that One time I relented to the idea of maybe. He said that he could find someone and had found a couple. A married couple who's husband was also bisexual (because that was what he was identifying as) and that we could go from there. Again I mostly said yes to shut him up, I had no intention of actually going through with it and it went nowhere because I did not give it another thought. After a few months I needed a new car and he said he had found a barely used car that I had wanted but he would have to drive 2 hours north to get it. I was happy because I was getting a new car. So he drove up In the morning and bought the car and drove home later that evening. He said it took him the whole day for this. A month later I get message on FB from a strange woman I did not know. She inboxed me to tell me that she thought our husbands are having an affair and that they had a sexual encounter. I was confused to say the least, had no idea why this random woman who I did not know was saying this So I asked my husband, and after confronting him he admitted that while he was buying the car from this person he also had sex with him the car he bought and that he had developed an romantic relationship over the internet and phone. I was floored. I had ever thought that this man whom I had known all my life would do something so wrong behind my back. I was on the verge of getting divorce when the talked me out of it. He said it was a lapse judgement and that he would delete any and all contact with this person. That he was sorry and I asked him if he was gay and to admit that he really only wanted men with me but he assured me that he was bisexual and that because we and our sexual life had not been great he strayed. (I later realized that I was being gaslit). So I stayed. It was hard to get over this betrayal, and in some way I don't think I did because in the back of mind I knew what he was trying to tell me without telling me. 

There were many more times after this that little things he did had me adding more to the this realization. Especially in bed he always wanted to tell him my fantasies of a 3 some with another man. It is exciting to read about this in books, its another thing to actually live it though. 

November of 2019 he got one of my vibrators lodged into his ass and I had to physically drive him to the emergency room so that they could remove it. Another clue. 

Finally January 2019 we were having sex and he could not get errection and I thought maybe it is his age we were 53 at this point in our lives and I was in peri menopause. This was the last time I was ever physical with him, and during that encounter I felt it, I knew it I think I even went in the bathroom and cried. I realized that he was not into me. I was not a man with a penis to satisfy him sexually. But because on some level I didn't want to lose all the other stuff I know I would lose I kept the farce up, if he was willing to continue to be good friends and not come out well on some level I did not force the issue. 

Fast forward to Mother's Day He came out to me and proceeded to tell me because I had been so cold to him and were basically room mates he can't live his life like this. I was livid and a little shock even if I knew, but it was different to be confronted with it. I was supportive in the moment because I could see how much pain he was suffering through because he couldn't come out because of a lot of societal judgments including my conservative family who is his only family because both his parents are deceased and he was an only child. He told one of the biggest reason he had not come out sooner was his fear of losing all those that he loved and being alone. So he just played the game too. 

So there I am 3 days into the new reality that is my life. I am fluctuating between, anger, sadness, rage, resentment, pain, fear, and anything else that pops up. I'm scared of what my new life will become. I am not able to support myself financially. He makes enough money that I only have a part time job and I can take care of my son with Down Syndrome. I am afraid that after all is said and done that I will bet scraping to pay my bills and he will be living the life I thought we'd live together, like traveling in our retirement years. Im afraid that I will be the one who ends up alone and this new reality of what will happen to me is scaring me. 

He has suggested that we cohabitate and share expenses he says that he could not support two households. But I don't know If I can stay here and watch him go on with his life. Wondering who he's with what he's doing. Also my eldest son just moved down the street to be closer to us because they are trying to have a baby and If I moved I wouldn't be as close as I am right now. 

There are so many unknowns in my life right now that if causing me severe anxiety and chest pain and difficult sleeping. 

I am hoping that when I get through this that I will be a stronger person.