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May 8, 2021 8:52 am  #1


HOCD

My husband came out to me a few months ago after we had been married for 5.5 years, together since we were in college 11.5 years ago. He said he just started having thoughts and wanted to share them as soon as he knew because we were about to start trying to have kids and it felt wrong not to share before we went down that path.

He wasn’t ready to share with friends at that point, but he said I could at least tell my family so I would have support during this heartbreak and emotional time.

He wasn’t sure if he is gay or bi or something else. He was clearly depressed and/or had anxiety and started seeing a psychiatrist to help get a handle on his mental health as he worked toward coming out as well. A couple weeks later he started to flip back and forth—one day he was sure he was straight, then he’d be sure he was gay, then bi,  then he’d start thinking maybe his gender could even be in question. It was all he could think about 24/7.

We did a few rounds of couples therapy, as well as seeing our own therapists 1-1 as well. He told me that he was touched inappropriately by a friend’s older brother when he was a kid. He told me he had thoughts 18 months ago about stopping at a gay bar on the way home but didn’t act. And that was his only thought on his sexuality until ~Dec 2020 when he started getting into some new sex toys for himself. Then in Feb after he told me he might be gay, he went on a date and kissed the guy. Worst part: he came home and told me about it after. It wasn’t instant fireworks but he didn’t dislike it. He also shared that he had strong urges about one of our guy friends.  We have since begun living in separate spots to give each other space and time to figure things out.

His parents reaction when he told them he was possibly gay: “Son, you are not gay, you probably have a brain tumor or Lyme disease or mental illness that’s causing this mental break.” Shortly thereafter, he was diagnosed with homosexual OCD (HOCD) by his psych.

Now he has told me “I am not gay. I had a mental breakdown and am experiencing intense HOCD. Why don’t you believe this is mental illness? Why can’t you come home and be my wife?” Whole burst of emotions when he said this to me!!! 1. I do believe he has mental illness (anxiety or similar for sure). 2. Can mental illness actually cause you to question your sexuality? Is the HOCD diagnosis real? Can you develop HOCD out of nowhere at age 31?!  3. He crushed my heart and broke my trust, and I am not ready to just move on as if nothing happened. How does he not understand this?! 4. This guilt trip really sucks—shouldn’t I be stronger to be with my husband “in sickness and in health?” Logically I know I need to take care of myself first to figure out if we have a path together, but emotionally I feel sad/angry/disappointed/guilty/etc.

Has anyone else had a spouse diagnosed with HOCD? Would love to connect!

Any advice on figuring out whether we can (and how to) rebuild trust?

Know of any good resources to read/watch?

 

May 8, 2021 9:55 am  #2


Re: HOCD

Hi Lex, remember that none of us are professionals (as far as I know) but OCD doesn't eliminate the possibility that he is gay or bi. It's just that it's a constant focus in his mind. "Am I or not?" "Better check again." I wouldn't discard the chance that it's OCD at the moment because it's his true inner-self trying to emerge. Did he have your blessing to go out on a date? If not, he's a cheater. He has trust to rebuild, not you!

His parents sound like they are "old-school" or in-denial. I doubt you can count on them for sober second thought.

Your spouse appears to have escalated his behaviour. First thinking about hitting gay bars (another example of infidelity, in my opinion), then sex toys, then a need to "have an experience". Admission that they might be gay, possible sexual abuse as a child/young teen, then walk it all back. In all honesty, you don't have to read long on this board to find others recounting very similar sequences.

Whatever you choose to do, don't hand your power over to him, no matter how intense the guilt trip, "poor me" becomes. I'd suggest you should still keep up with the personal counseling, as should he. Watch his actions, not the words. Forgiveness is earned, not demanded, and sometimes first requires atonement.

You do need to take care of your own health first. Right now it sounds like you are the one being asked to do all the accommodation.

Stay strong.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

May 8, 2021 3:43 pm  #3


Re: HOCD

Lexinpants wrote:

........Any advice on figuring out whether we can (and how to) rebuild trust? ..,

When trust has been a default in a r'ship it's a shock to the heart to have to admit to yourself that it (the r'ship, the trust) hasn't been all you thought it was, and that your partner/husband has kept a very important part of himself from you. What's even tougher to comprehend is that he doesn't see life quite the same, and that you may come second to that secret.

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 8, 2021 4:35 pm  #4


Re: HOCD

He is the one who has been lying to you - he wanted to share with you as soon as he knew?  how about sharing those thoughts with you before you got into bed together?  As you point out elsewhere in your post he is guilt-tripping you - add whitewashing himself.

His parents don't sound like much fun, happy to stick their own son under the bus - the gayness doesn't come from the tooth fairy, does it.

Good for him suggesting you talk with your family.  That's a first on this board.

When he goes as far as questioning his gender it could be an indication he is trans.  or he could have been talking with a transperson.  Does he show any signs of wanting to feminise himself?

HOCD is a new term for me.  my understanding of obsessional compulsive disorder is things like going out and having to return 6 or 7 times to check you didn't leave the iron switched on.  I think he needs a new therapist - not one who is telling him he is OCD for being gay.

You are the one thinking about rebuilding trust - he just wants you to trust him, he knows he can trust you.

I don't think he is good husband material - the sort that you can stick by through thick and thin.  He deceived you from the start.



 




 

 

May 8, 2021 6:06 pm  #5


Re: HOCD

Hello Lexinpants, 
In the year plus that I've been participating in this forum, I have never once heard of HOCD.  It sounds like something the psych person made up.  From personal experience I can tell you that there are a lot of awful therapists/counselors out there.  It sounds like B.S. to me.  And to answer your other question, can mental illness cause you to question your sexuality, I would venture to say, no, but questioning your sexuality can lead to mental illness.  Again, this is from personal experience.  My now-ex-husband was on a roller coaster of meltdowns and prescription medications - turns out his main psychosis emanated from his feelings that he was really a woman and possibly gay.  I'm not a mental health professional so that's just my opinion and your situation could be entirely different. 

It appears to me that there are many gay red flags here, especially his crush on a guy friend.  

From what I've read here, and my own situation, it is common for a gay in denial to swing back and forth.  One day they are questioning, the next day they are straight.  And so it goes.  My ex went through that.  Until I left him and then he swore it was ALL A BIG MISTAKE.  Well too bad, he had two years of making my life a living hell to figure it out.  

If I were you I would definitely not have a child.  My ex regressed into acting like he was teenager when he went through the worst of his gay/trans desires/fantasies.  You don't need two children.  

You will figure it out, it might take you a long time and I wish you all the best.  

 

May 8, 2021 10:34 pm  #6


Re: HOCD

Hi Lexinpants,

I am hoping you take stock of what’s really happening with your husband. The planned pregnancy ties you to him and a child for the rest of his life. Most men love this. Your husband doesn’t.  Why else would he spill all the gay beans now? He’s not confused one bit.

Accept that he is what he told you without all the drama he & his parents are causing. Is this what you want for yourself?  Would he be a good father? Do you want a gay husband? That means he’s not attracted to you or any woman.

Am very sorry this is happening to you. I suggest hold off on becoming pregnant and talk to your family about this. I went through a terrible marriage to a man who was gay in denial. Most of us have gone through a painful ordeal with a partner’s hidden or out of the blue confused sexuality. I believe they knew they weren’t straight as kids.

I couldn’t believe HOCD is a psychiatric disorder either, but it is. It’s a subset of OCD.

https://www.treatmyocd.com/education/different-types-of-ocd

Sexual Orientation OCD (Homosexual OCD or HOCD) involves obsessions about one’s sexuality. It’s often called Homosexual OCD, but this is misleading. It can happen to people of any sexuality, about any other sexuality.

Obsessions

I was attracted to that guy back there. This means I’m gay.

Other people can detect that deep down I’m into women

Was I really into her when we dated? Or am I more into guys?

Compulsions

Looking at pictures of women to see if you’re attracted to them

Asking people repeatedly if you seem straight to them

Avoiding people of the same sex altogether to avoid confusion

———————-
Here’s a case study from the US National Institutes of Health website (pubmed.com) about a young man with the usual symptoms of OCD like checking if he locked his doors multiple times, who had the homosexual subset too.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4347158/#idm140257636166800title

I can’t believe they use homosexual- I thought it was kind of a pejorative in the LGBTQ+ community.

Last edited by MJM017 (May 8, 2021 11:26 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 8, 2021 11:11 pm  #7


Re: HOCD

I’ve seen this term pop up before on Reddit...typically with younger men who identify as bisexual but become obsessed with the idea that they may actually be gay.

Either way...I’d definitely put having kids on hold 😬...Sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

 

May 9, 2021 2:34 pm  #8


Re: HOCD

I wonder if treating HOCD is a sneaky way to perform conversion therapy?

Have had many therapists who needed therapy themselves. It’s something to keep in mind, Lexinpants.

Take care


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 9, 2021 10:32 pm  #9


Re: HOCD

Also sounds like a convenient excuse for future infidelity. "I couldn't help it, it was my HOCD."


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

May 10, 2021 4:51 am  #10


Re: HOCD

HOCD?  Just sounds like another flavor of “not straight”.

 

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