OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- momofboys04
- New member
Offline
Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
I'm having a really hard time. I'm 31 and have been married for 4 years. We are a church going Christian family. My husband was raised in a very strict Christian household. He was a heroin addict for most of his 20s and then got clean, we met, both wanted the same things (be married, have kids) so we were married 9 months later. When we met he told me he didn't want sex before marriage because it was wrong in God's eyes, so I understood that. After we got married I had 2 babies, but I feel like we are only intimate because he has to. We've fought about it...he thinks I'm too into sex and weird...but I told him I would like to be intimate at least once a week,so I feel like he does what he has to, but hes never turned on by me. He blames his testosterone levels but he refuses to go get them checked. I offer him to take showers/baths, give massages, and he turns me down. I offered to pleasure him after I had both babies and he never wanted me to, so he went 3-4 months after both babies without sex. He NEVER kisses me on the mouth. Always the forehead. I tried to make out with him, and he kept his mouth close rejecting me. He always flirts with guys, and makes sexual jokes to his boss and friends and says thats just how they joke...but never says stuff like that to me. He always notices guys bodies, but never says anything about women. I think he's in love with his boss, so im extremely jealous when he chooses work over being with us. We've been fighting about his job for years, but he refuses to leave his boss. One weekend I was gone, I found that he bought womens razors, and womens panties. My first thought was that he bought them to wear, but he said he bought them to masturbate on. I know he will never come out even if he is gay. I just feel like im his cover though. I feel no love, and I actually feel like he despises me. We have 4 kids, and im a stay at home mom, so I dont know what to do. He plays so many mind games with me. He's extremely narcissistic, and his personality changes constantly. I never know if things will be okay for a week, or if I say one thing wrong he could hate me and start huge fights, but then make me feel like everything is my fault. I keep trying to have hope that things will change, but im starting to realize that I don't think he really loves me. I think I'm his cover, so he can look like the perfect Christian man. I never saw this coming, and I dont know if he is gay for sure, but when I think about the past 4 years, there is just so many signs. I guess if there's anyone who has been in this situation with kids, and didn't really know what to do, I would love to hear from you...or get support from anyone really. I've just been feeling really lonely and invisible.
Thanks for reading!
- momofboys04
- New member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
Thank you so much for all of the support and advice. It feels so much better to see that there is people who understand, and I dont have to feel so crazy for suspecting this.
He has admitted to having a problem with porn, but he won't admit to anything about being gay. I have asked him a few times if he was bi/gay and he always laughs and tells me no.
He plays so many games. So for a week or sometimes a month it will seem like he puts on an act and everything is good and it seems like he's really trying to "love" me, and I start to think that maybe things will be better, and then he snaps and goes back to his normal self. It's just really confusing since he doesn't always treat me bad. I think when he's not treating me bad, it's so he can put on a show for people.
I know I could leave, but he would probably want 50/50 custody of our kids, and I couldn't handle not seeing them half the time.
I feel like it's hard, but even though it's obvious to me, I somehow have to pretend like everything's fine so I can protect and be there for my kids...at least until they get a little older maybe.
I dont know, maybe I will change my mind eventually. I feel like I'm just starting to accept that he may be gay and not love me, so im just trying to figure everything out and how to deal with it.
You don't even know how much your response means to me though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. It feels so good to be on here and know I'm not alone.
- •
Thread Starter- Blue Bear
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
HI momofboys04:
(ME: Ex-wife started same-sex affair 3+ years ago, I discovered the affair during a family Spring Break trip in March 2019. Divorced February 2020. Together 20 years, married 15, three kids. Dating a fellow straight spouse for 1.5 years.)
This comment concerns me: "He plays so many games. So for a week or sometimes a month it will seem like he puts on an act and everything is good and it seems like he's really trying to "love" me, and I start to think that maybe things will be better, and then he snaps and goes back to his normal self. It's just really confusing since he doesn't always treat me bad. I think when he's not treating me bad, it's so he can put on a show for people. "
This is called "intermittent reinforcement", a very common manipulation and control technique used by narcissists. My ex-wife did this all the time -- she'd be nice and sugar sweet one moment, and then turn and be nasty for hours. I'd keep hoping that the nice person would come back, or I'd desperately try to make her happy. I was always waiting for those breadcrumbs from her. Look it up -- you will be horrified at how applicable and relatable this technique has been in your life. It's evil.
Like you, I was reluctant to end my marriage and wanted to stay together "for the kids". I discovered I could not do this and be the happy, well adjusted dad that my kids deserved. I poured so much of the energy and time that they deserved into trying to keep a deceptive, manipulative lesbian happy. It was far better for my kids to be from a broken home than in one, and for me to model what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. So I get 50% high-quality time with my kids post-divorce rather than 100% miserable time.
Keep writing. Good luck.
- Soaplife
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
Momofboys04, those times of bad treatment followed by good treatment followed by bad treatment are a pattern called the cycle of abuse. It is very confusing and unsettling. Sane parenting your kids alone 50% of the time is probably healthier for them than 100% spent in an abusive dysfunctional marriage where you all have to live in his closet. I wish i had realised this earlier myself. I didnt leave until it got scary and my 2 younger teenage sons started treating me with the same disrespect their father did. 4 years later we are in a much better place. Hang in there, keep on going, look for truth.
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
You might have to adjust your ideas of the protection you can offer your kids - one safe home is better than no safe home. Can I suggest you don't ask him if he is gay any more - you know he is and a person who is gay in denial can act badly when he feels his closet is threatened. Part of the negotiations for our separation was me indicating I would not talk about him being gay if he accepted getting divorced and that is what we did - he is still in the closet. Yes, my ex would only put his arm around me in front of other people - at home he didn't want displays of affection from me, let alone offering them himself.
talk to your family if you can, find real people you can talk to on the ground as well as our support here. don't listen to the denials or the games, it's gaslighting - no need to second guess yourself. support your own thoughts and feelings.
- MJM017
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
We have lots of “weekend” dads in my area. My sister divorced when her son was in middle school and lived close to her ex. They arranged for their son to live at her place during weekdays. They didn’t want his school work to be disrupted by moving households constantly.
Dad got him on the weekends & spoiled him. My nephew is in college now and is a great kid. Your husband might want this arrangement as you have experience as the main caregiver.
Consulting a few lawyers to see what your legal rights are, including custody, may give you a good idea of what to expect. I did phone interviews for that free first hour - this was in pre-COVID times. You are under no obligation to go forward with any of them.
Lily’s suggestion is very wise. Good to keep it low key.
Hope it all works out for you & your kids.
Best,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
momofboys04 wrote:
.....
As much help and advice you get you are the only person who will make decisions for you. With 4 children your thoughts of your marriage will come 2nd to the well-being of your children and it's becomes harder to listen to your intuition when "of course I can't leave" is the over-riding voice in your head.
From this moment on you'll carry on as normal but you'll have us/the Forum to listen when you need a listening ear....
um, reading eyes lol.....,need advice or just need to let off some steam. You deserve to have support, not somebody who spins you around so you don't know which way is up.
Do you have a friend or family member to confide in and talk to?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- momofboys04
- New member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
Thank you everyone so so much for all of the support and advice. I have my mom to talk to, and she said she believes my husband is gay too, so at least she believes me and I can talk to her when he's making me question myself.
It's just really nice to see that so many others have went through and are going through this. I never really knew it was so common. Obviously I know it happens, and I couldn't believe I'm in this situation now, but its really nice to see people know what I'm going through and give me advice from experience, rather than just taking to my mom and her not really knowing what I'm actually going through.
Thank you all again!
- •
Thread Starter- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
Momof4,
Definitely build your support system..your mom, friends, priest. I bet you could even get a therapist and it sounds like he would suspect anything.
I can identify with the hot and cold actions..the breadcrumbs like Bluebear said. My Gx her mood would set the tone of the house for days. The narcissism and gayness I later found out, had me spinning my wheels trying trying to make her happy..but nothing was ever enough.
Know that it's not you..we did nothing so horrible to these spouses but love them.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- SusanneH
- Member
Offline
Re: Married with 4 kids and I think my husband is gay
Momofboys,
You’ve gotten a lot of good suggestions here. Nice when you find you’re not alone, isn’t it?
There was one thing that stuck out to me in your original post. You said: “I never know when things will be okay for a week, or if I say one thing wrong he could hate me & start huge fights...”.
I imagine this leaves you in fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing sometimes. It’s the emotional equivalent of physical abuse. When someone is physically abuse, they’re afraid to say something for fear of getting hit or otherwise hurt. In emotional abuse, we’re afraid of saying something for fear of getting verbally ‘hit’.
Ends up being the same as others have said. You deserve to be treated right.
I wish the best for you and your children. I’m sure you will find your way out, and live a full and happy life.
(((HUGS)))