longwayhome wrote:

I’m sorry too. Read that post from OoHC. Take care

Soaplife, thank you, I’m so sorry that happened, Sharing your story if where you are right now was very inspirational for me. I want very much a similar way of life. I totally agree alone doesn’t mean lonely.

Cheers, thanks for your lovely response.  I never thought I'd get over it but I have come so far and often feel 'normal' these days. Lucky to have found good therapists and had the time and resources to sit with the grief and pain, speak and accept the ugly facts, and realise it is not my shame.

So very liberating.  All the best to you, it will happen 😊

TLV - I read your first post and he sounds very gay to me.  Wearing your short shorts?  excusing it as lack of clean clothes?? sure.  the sitting to pee thing, my ex did that too, he said it was easier, I thought it was cleaner and never thought of it but it seems a lot of the gay in denial men sit to pee.

You can't talk to him about his past dating life or his sexuality for fear of upsetting him - is this a good foundation for a marriage?  

You sound young, why not cut your losses and give yourself the chance to find someone who can love you back.

My observation of marriages in general is either they are good or they are bad,  there is no okay marriage to be had.

Tree,

I read this and your other thread asking if he is gay..

So sorry..there seems to be too much gay in your life emanating from him..

The anxiety can wear you down..permeate everything...is he meeting a friend for a beer or is it a date?  The distrust is excruciating when you realize you can't compete with a male friend of his or the gay porn.   
I know the anxiety well..it is a trauma. One shouldn't have to wonder if they are physically enough for their spouse.

If those things about him are hurting you ...sure tell him..tell him it keeps hurting you.   But be wary..if he has not changed his actions in the time you've known him. I do not know words he can say to prove he has no same sex attraction..


In regards to your question in this thread.. it was relatively easy for me to date or trust again as no one could possibly be as hurtful and dishonest as my GX.  Really hyper sensitive  to any signs of narcissism or gayness. I do not consider it a paranoia..I guess one learns self love..no need to hurt one's self with doubt about another persons honesty, empathy, sexuality...been there, done that..

Just know that you should be enough for your spouse...more than enough.

Last edited by Rob (May 4, 2021 9:51 pm)

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Rob wrote:

Tree,

Just know that you should be enough for your spouse...more than enough.

Thank you for saying this.. So  if he has attraction to men but he’s fighting it, that means I’m not enough for him.

When I found out my spouse was gay..I had no idea the whole marriage. She was having a gay affair...and withdrew not just physical affection but basic human decency from me.  It explained a lot...why I always had to I initiate any affection...why nothing I did ever seemed good enough..  and then I had to compete with not another man but a woman..how was I supposed to do that?
Why should I/we have to compete with anyone else be it man or woman? Who made the God's or supreme beings that can do whatever they want.

What part of the marriage vows did they not understand? Why after they made  those promises do we feel like we are not enough for them?  If we were not enough and they needed the same sex then why vow before God and family to love us till death. 

No the real reality is we are enough.. more than enough.  We are worth more than they can ever comphrehend.

Clintonia,

That is true.  I am so guilty of that here..ie..  what part of the marriage vows didn't they understand.   Like everyone else here I guess I was grasping for some way to explain the deception. 
Married or not these spouses/partners hid some fundamental  piece of themselves from us. Whether it was shame or guilt or the alignment of the planets..really doesn't matter...it was just wrong.  We don't deserve that..we deserve more...we deserve honest love and human decency...married or not.