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May 1, 2021 8:56 am  #1


Effects of Deception

Hi everyone! I was curious about something. To the ones who left the marriage, what was it like to date again? when you started dating again, were you hyper vigilant in making sure this wouldn’t happen again wondering if everyone you met was hiding a secret? And to the ones that stayed, what is sex like? I’m starting to have trouble feeling safe having sex with my husband- who I suspect is exploring. When I think of leaving, I wonder if I will always be paranoid about any man I date. Wanted to hear from people who’ve been through both scenarios— ones that left & ones that stayed.

Thank you for the safe space to open up and be vulnerable.

 

May 1, 2021 10:48 am  #2


Re: Effects of Deception

Treelovingvegan, I left the marriage, I'm 59 and have no interest in dating so can't help you with that.  But I will say ... if you are still having sex with him while you think he is umm exploring sexually, get tested for STIs asap, and be extremely careful. If you can,stop sex until youve been cleared and then think carefully about resuming if you think he's messing round with other people.  Best of luck to you.

 

May 1, 2021 11:18 am  #3


Re: Effects of Deception

... one of the reasons I left him in early 2017 was increasingly abusive sex where he didnt want to see my face, culminating in two ghastly anal rapes perpetrated on me. 

He didnt come out as gay until after we were divorced, and only to our 5 kids - never to me. I found out earlier this year. 

Now that ive got my head around it and dealt with the anger - it has certainly helped me understand a lot about the last years of our 25 year marriage. It was the last piece of the puzzle and relieved me of any remaining guilt i had for leaving. 

My life now is calm, unstressed, peaceful and safe. My five (young adult) kids love and respect me. I have good friends. I am working on healing myself with a good therapist.  I am finding more and more enjoyment in writing, drawing, photography, home improvement, making a garden, sewing - things that had soured through the jealousy and belittling comments of my gexh, but that I am taking back and making my own again.

Why would I seek out the risk and emotional chaos of dating?  I am very satisfied with remembering who I am and with the unhurried unfolding of my future. Alone doesnt have to mean lonely.

I believe We all probably need to give ourselves time to heal and get comfortable being ourselves again before diving into dating.

IMHO. But hey, every journey is different.

Last edited by Soaplife (May 1, 2021 11:23 am)

 

May 1, 2021 11:37 am  #4


Re: Effects of Deception

longwayhome wrote:

Well I wasn't sure if I should post a response or not but here goes. I'm not staying in the marriage but I'm not out yet either, on my way.... I think the not feeling safe, at least for me, extends beyond the possible dating world (I have no interest). I'm actually finding now, 18 months post discovery, I don't feel safe if I'm around people I don't know  (e.g. certain settings one can find themselves as part of daily living). I was never like that. I was the opposite, I trusted everyone unless they gave me reason at some point not to....

I would urge caution about dating right after ending a marriage. Make sure you've healed,

Edited to add: Just to clarify, I'm not taling about just blindly trusting everyone....just to be clear.

I hear you. Like you I tended to trust people until they showed themselves untrustworthy.  My trust in men was shattered by my experience with my gex, and I'm still careful who I trust.   But I have found The further away i get from him and from the past, the easier it is to be comfortable with people, without being overly let down or feeling threatened if their behaviour isn't quite what i think it should be. It just takes time.  Its 4.5 years since I left and 3 years since divorce finalised. Im so much better now and hope to get better still. Really, truly, time and distance are a great help. Hugs.

Last edited by Soaplife (May 1, 2021 11:37 am)

 

May 1, 2021 12:52 pm  #5


Re: Effects of Deception

For me, the overwhelming feeling of having been robbed of sexual and emotional intimacy in my marriage to my GIDXW meant that in order to heal, I wanted to try dating and sex.  And, honestly, as pleasurable as actual hetero sex can be, the whole experience of building honest intimacy is harder than I thought it would be.  I’m really out of practice.

Still, I think it is worth it.  Just make sure your dating urge comes from your inner desire and not from some external pressure to rebuild your sex/dating life.  If you truly want to date again, then try it!  It may not be deeply satisfying but it just might.  My only other advice is to be upfront with any new partner.  Tell them about your experience.  The last thing you’ll want after getting out of a marriage with sexual secrets is another relationship with sexual secrets.

 

May 1, 2021 2:19 pm  #6


Re: Effects of Deception

Thank you for your replies.  My post seems misunderstood. I have no interest in dating or sex. But I wondered if that is because of the turmoil I’m going through now, if it will resolve as I come to peace with my situation or if it something that is permanent. I worry this lack of interest is the new normal. That’s what prompted me to post. To see what others who have left and others who have stayed have gone through. Appreciate the advice.

     Thread Starter
 

May 1, 2021 4:28 pm  #7


Re: Effects of Deception

I started a thread entitled "how do I get my groove back" and got some answers.  I think I was feeling somewhat as you are when I posted it.  You can search for it by that title using the search feature.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 1, 2021 9:17 pm)

 

May 1, 2021 5:19 pm  #8


Re: Effects of Deception

Treelovingvegan-

I’m sorry I misinterpreted your post.

 

May 1, 2021 5:59 pm  #9


Re: Effects of Deception

I found OOHC’s post and will add my response to it.

Thanks for remembering it, OOHC.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 2, 2021 12:12 am  #10


Re: Effects of Deception

Treelovingvegan wrote:

Thank you for your replies.  My post seems misunderstood. I have no interest in dating or sex. But I wondered if that is because of the turmoil I’m going through now, if it will resolve as I come to peace with my situation or if it something that is permanent. I worry this lack of interest is the new normal. That’s what prompted me to post. To see what others who have left and others who have stayed have gone through. Appreciate the advice.

Hey, sorry if my previous posts were not helpful!

Id stop worrying and focus on healing.  The immense trauma you are going through has huge and varied emotional and psychological effects.  Betrayal by an intimate partner is naturally going to shatter your sense of self and your ability to trust, both of which are essential to enjoyment of sex.

Healing takes time and is different for everyone. But the fact that time and healing are necessary after trauma is always true. I think also age, length of relationship, complexity and extent of extended family ties and shared history, level of abuse and lying, and many other variables come in to play during healing.

Once you are out of the situation and safe, your sexual desire may blossom again in the more positive, free and safe environment. Or you may find more contentment and peace in celibacy.

The great thing is, YOU get to decide what you want going forward.

 

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