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1 - razing_arizona
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I'm so lost, please
...
Last edited by razing_arizona (July 7, 2021 10:58 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Arizona...this man has your emotions so torn up in shreds he has you thinking it you with the problem
Posting this quickly just so you know you've been acknowledged. My heart goes out to you, and
we're hear to hear and help you.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- SusanneH
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Razing,
FIrst, I want to assure you that it’s just fine that you aren’t over it! And, you’re entitled to be upset- no one can tell you otherwise. It’ll help you to process things. If he could support your feelings rather than dismiss or call them wrong, it would help you to heal faster. My husband did cheat, and when I read about healing, one of the things for him to do to help was to never say : “You should be over it by now.” He’s said things like, “Oh, that again”, and it means the same thing. I tell him if he could support my feelings rather than dismiss them, I would heal much faster. *sorry for repeating myself. Getting older 😉*.
He also just likes dick, not anal or kissing or anything else. After disclosure, I had the mind movies for a LONG time. Still do sometimes. (D Day was 6/1/19 & 11/24/19)....he was a trickle truth kinda guy...after 16 months of total lying...🙁.
You’re right about that learning more will help you. If you feel that it will, then ask him to talk to you. Open, honest communication is SO important if you are going to make it work.
My husband & I are both in AA. I’ve been sober over 36 years & he’s been clean & sober over 21 years. I know firsthand that drinking will only make it worse. You mentioned that he “apparently has to be messed up for a bi encounter”. Perhaps if he stops drinking, he’ll have a clearer head to deal with this. If he’s not able to stop, AA is a great place to go!
You menitoned therapy. I can’t suggest it enough. We’ve each had individual therapists & are about to get another one...each. The mistakes we made were not doing the things below well enough:
Need to interview the therapist before you hire them. Ask questions. Write them down before you call or go.
Hire a therapist qualified with LGBTQ matters. This is so important. Also make sure they are experienced with bisexuals. A lot of people, believe it or not, don’t believe in bisexuality. It’s either gay or straight for some.
Anyway, good luck & post any time.
Susanne
- razing_arizona
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Thank you all so much for the kind words. That you guys read this is huge to me as it's not exactly a topic that you can just call someone up with and get off of the chest. His identity is not for me to share.
I forgot to include the story that has me the most confused about who he really is. He often does not treat me right in public and at times I swear he's embarrassed to be with me, though he swears he isn't. He says that going in public just makes him anxious. Fair enough. But it kind of reminds me of the way that my gay uncle used to treat me, not hateful but ... bitter.
A few months back we were in line for the pharmacy at a grocery store. We arrived at a movie candy display and I picked a few boxes up. He started going off about how it wasn't actually a deal and that I should buy bigger bags, on and on. I mean he was talking to me like I was just stupid. I was pretty sure that other people around us heard the whole conversation. It was so frustrating that I gave up on buying the candy. A few weeks ago, we were talking about his body type and he mentioned that he'd always wanted a body like the guy standing in front of us in the line at the pharmacy. He said, you know, taller, kind of gifted, muscular. I started thinking, wait, hold up, you're talking about a guy's body that we saw weeks ago. Weeks? Then I started to wonder, is that why he was being such a jackass about the candy? Was he lashing out?
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Arizona...this man has your emotions so torn up in shreds he has you thinking it you with the problem
Elle
Is it not? He's telling me the only problem is that I won't accept him and in that, I'm stopping us short of paradise.
I believe it all starts by listening to our intuition, being honest with the feelings that arise, and looking at them as honestly as you can.
You gradually start to break down whatever wall that prevented you for seeing things as they truly are. Know that whatever is going on, it’s your body’s way of protecting you.
Take a step back pay attention to action, not just words. Ask yourself what you truly want in a relationship. Know that a relationship shouldn’t be that difficult if two people are truly committed.
At this point I'm scared to let the actions even happen, but I can make it a goal. It really shouldn't be so difficult.
mind movies
Oooof.
Need to interview the therapist before you hire them. Ask questions. Write them down before you call or go.
Hire a therapist qualified with LGBTQ matters. This is so important. Also make sure they are experienced with bisexuals. A lot of people, believe it or not, don’t believe in bisexuality. It’s either gay or straight for some.
I'll start looking into that. Even if this doesn't last, I have a feeling I'll still need to unravel it all.
Last edited by razing_arizona (May 1, 2021 1:25 pm)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I'm so lost, please
.....He's telling me the only problem is that I won't accept him and in that, I'm stopping us short of paradise...,..,..
But you can see what he's doing can't you?
He's using you as a 'whipping post' for his own confusion. He would rather you feel bad than him have to deal with his own feelings. He knows how he's making you feel bad... But he doesn't, if that makes sense. I believe my partner functioned on a level that allowed him to think it was okay to put me down because, in the end, it meant he could transfer all the blame on me. My fault I got upset about the way he talked to me, my fault it happened, he said "like clockwork every few months" and it was always something *I* should "get over". It was an inability to see and discuss his own faults.
But let's not talk about the man in your life, let's talk about you 
and changing the way you feel about yourself.
First... You cannot go on without talking to somebody about this. It's imperitive you have someone to share this with. A confidante who you trust. We can share all our stories and advice but it will never surpass having a edited to fix a typo mind to kind face in front of you.
How old are you Arizona?
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (May 2, 2021 3:49 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Victo
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Re: I'm so lost, please
He's telling me the only problem is that I won't accept him and in that, I'm stopping us short of paradise.
My GIDXW did this to me too. Nevermind that she was emotionally abusive and might attack me at any minute for her own feelings of inadequacy and shame. No. Nevermind that I had to walk on eggshells for years. No.
The problem was that I didn’t accept her. I should just always love her and defer to her needs no matter how cruel she was to me.
This is huge red flag and you might be well served to be very wary of this behavior.
Last edited by Victo (May 1, 2021 4:39 pm)
- Soaplife
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Razing-arizona, you sound utterly miserable and scared. And with good reason. Your instincts are screaming out against his straightout abuse. He is: Blaming you for everything, telling you how you should feel, pushing/trampling your boundaries, shifting the goalposts, treating you badly in public. He is downright cruel. I would suggest the honeymoon is over, the relationship has run its course, and its time to listen to your gut and remove yourself from his tangled and toxic web of lies right now. It will hurt less now than it will five or ten or 50 years hence. Best of luck to you, look after yourself.
Last edited by Soaplife (May 2, 2021 12:37 am)
- MJM017
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Hello razing_arizona,
Cut and run from this guy. This loser has no place in anyone’s life.
I hope things improve for you.
Best,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Arizona...how are you? Have you had any more thoughts about confiding in somebody about your situation? If you have family/friends you can go and stay with to give yourself a bit of space to think that would be good
Let me tell you how it was for me. I had confided in a few members of my family, and one dear friend who lives in the US so I had plenty of soundingboards, but the situation was always 'in my face' ( and this was the problem....I was in such a state of terror that I might lose my partner/make him angry ) that I never wanted to leave him by himself. Who knows what he'd do! So I never holidayed except with him, I hated being without him (what a sad person I was) Finally, after much talking with my confidantes, working with a counselor and using this Forum to extract the forgotten fire in me I realised I deserved more...I was able to take steps to bring back some of the old me, the old confidence, the willpower.
It's such a sweet feeling to make decisions that don't include the man I live with, but I could never have done it if I hadn't accepted that how he wanted to live his life was not how I wanted to live mine. The emotional heart & mind strings that hold you to him are of your making, and it must be your decision to cut yourself free. The guilt you say you feel is stopping you from seeing what is happening to you. The fear he might cheat is stopping you from standing up and saying "I don't want this".
I finally stepped up and said "I don't want you anymore" which I realise is difficult with your sex drive but that's one of the strings you'll have to cut
Please touch base with us and let us know you're okay
Elle
KIA KAHA
- razing_arizona
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Re: I'm so lost, please
Arizona...how are you?
I'm feeling pretty good at the moment thanks to you all. And I've been combing through the board.
Yeah, I'm definitely thinking about where to go from here. The drive is actually no problem as I'd be more than happy with no sex. That's my normal.
But you can see what he's doing can't you?
He's using you as a 'whipping post' for his own confusion. He would rather you feel bad than him have to deal with his own feelings. He knows how he's making you feel bad... But he doesn't, if that makes sense.
Elle
Oh my god, I see. Boy this thread and this board have really given me so much in 2 days. I appreciate you all.
I have started to look for a therapist, at least.
I'm older than Pac-man. 
My GIDXW did this to me too. Nevermind that she was emotionally abusive and might attack me at any minute for her own feelings of inadequacy and shame. No. Nevermind that I had to walk on eggshells for years. No.
The problem was that I didn’t accept her. I should just always love her and defer to her needs no matter how cruel she was to me.
This is huge red flag and you might be well served to be very wary of this behavior.
That's was definitely unfair to you.
I can say that has told me that he feels the same way about egg shells. When I get upset it lasts for a while and often want to real talk, which he can hardly stand, probably due to the generational thing. He's trying to prevent me from being triggered, but he doesn't realize that it is happening with no trigger.
Razing-arizona, you sound utterly miserable and scared. And with good reason. Your instincts are screaming out against his straightout abuse. He is: Blaming you for everything, telling you how you should feel, pushing/trampling your boundaries, shifting the goalposts, treating you badly in public. He is downright cruel. I would suggest the honeymoon is over, the relationship has run its course, and its time to listen to your gut and remove yourself from his tangled and toxic web of lies right now. It will hurt less now than it will five or ten or 50 years hence. Best of luck to you, look after yourself.
Hello razing_arizona,
Cut and run from this guy. This loser has no place in anyone’s life.
I hope things improve for you.
Best,
Maria
Hooboy, yeah I'm in trouble. The first thing I felt after reading these posts was sorry for my boyfriend. I will say I'm positive of my safety. I'm gonna think long and hard about what you guys are suggesting and for the moment try to become more of an observer and watch his actions, as longwayhome suggested.
Last edited by razing_arizona (May 3, 2021 2:40 am)
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