Hi Anonymoose, 
Your wife wants you to address her as "They/Them" and accept her situation at face value after you believed you were married to a woman for 31 years.  

I agree with TakenbySurprise's comments above.  From what I can tell, you are being forced to compromise your beliefs and identity after she lied to you for decades.  I am wondering what would happen if you told her you wanted a divorce.  I am willing to bet that she would change her tune.  She sounds like she wants to be a man but continue in the safety of a hetero marriage.  Selfish.  

I'm in my 60s and last year I ended my marriage after three years of my husband's insistent claims that he thought he was a woman, while the gay community cheered him on. 

Good luck and I wish you peace and comfort in this terrible journey that, sadly, so many of us are on as unwilling travelers.  

 

Hi Anonymoose, I haven't been active in here in a year, since my spouse dropped the trans bomb. I was devastated. But a year later - it's ok. Even good. The sticking point for me was when I got married I vowed before God, my family, and friends "for better or for worse". Of course I was 26, starry-eyed and had no idea what that actually meant! I did a lot of soul searching, praying, and self reflection. It took a solid 6 months to grieve the person I loved, the life I thought we'd have. But none of that was ever a guarantee anyway. Just my wants. I've changed in the 10 years we've been married too. Of course not quite so much! But don't feel like you need to make a decision today. Had I made a decision while grieving I'd have left and burned every bridge. I was SO ANGRY, especially at my friends and family who supported her. Only 1 person reached out to see if I was ok. That really hurt.

I now have a support system in my family and some colleagues at work. Not one person has assumed I'm now gay. Sex isn't often but our kids are 2 and 3 so it's hard to find time. I realized I was coasting in our relationship and now I have to put in some effort. I still look at old pictures and love that person. He was so damn handsome! But she is happier and a better parent and partner. Life is messy and unpredictable. Whatever you choose to do is ok. Just do it with a lot of communication, time, and reflection.

Last edited by Straight wife k (May 3, 2021 8:46 am)

I am in a similar situation.  My husband came out as Trans 2 days before our wedding.  He told me He didn't want it,  He wanted us, our lifestyle,  our commitment, our everything.  The honeymoon He spent depressed, then every day after we go home I came home to a Woman. He then decided again He did not want to ruin our relationship.  I have been honest from the start, I love Him, I am not going anywhere but I am straight and as beautiful as she is I am not attracted to her at all. I am repulsed by her sexually because I see her as stealing my dream,  the love of my life. When He is her He gets mad that I won't be physical with her. I have wanted so many times to be dead because I see how much pain He is in denying Himself but I also feel like everyone around is expecting me to somehow change,  be gay. His Trans friends tell Him I am abusive and manipulative. I have said if He chooses to transition I will support Him, love Him and do life with him as her but I will not be physical with her at all.  I feel like He is denying my sexuality because of His own. Why is my sexuality less important than His?

I am in a similar situation...My husband of 11 years (together for 16) dropped his trans revelation on me with an ambushed phone call when I as alone and moved to a new city for his job. I knew no one in the city but him and he was out of town. He couldn't even wait to face me to give me this news, but did it cowardly over the phone.

He wanted to come home. After many weeks and months of discovering deceit and lies and the anger and rage set in. We were amicable until I found the nude pics and sexting married men in his transfemale persona. We were not on good terms and then had honest conversation on how to remain and stay as "partners" now as he didn't want to be called husband anymore.

I know no one would understand if I stayed to work things out. He called to ask me to halt our divorce and "try" to make it work.  I wanted to try as I felt we had a deep connection, a true love and he was my person in this world; however without even taking hormones he now has a "bi" revelation. Since he feels he is now truely female and wants to purse a true heterosexual relation and now desires men. He wants to feell llike a woman in every sense and be in a relationship with a man.

We went through an emotional roller coaster and I drew a line in the sand. I said I am willing to accept you as a partner, but what I am not going to accept is your desire for men. He tells me when he fully becomes a she that if a man made advances then he doesnt't trust her not to give in an pursue them. Apparently "passing" as a woman and being desire by men is a transwoman (who seeks men) this gives them the ultimate affirmation that they have "made" it as a woman.

For me, not only has he changed his gender, but he changed his sexuality. "He" kept begging to stay while "she" wants a new life and new man. I was not going to stay with a partner and accept all this craziness to be worried everyday when "she" walks out the door that she will cheat because a man finds you attractive. I get hit on too and I'm not a cheater. This is not about desires, transgender, affirming and being accepted by the opposite gender. Clearly this is a lack in moral and a character flaw. He can spin this anyway he wants to about I've never been a woman before to be hit on by a man. What is the difference now if we are both "woman" and I desire men too. Do I cheat? Nope.

I did not halt my divorce and preceeded.  I was hoping to at least remain close and friends; however I realize there is too much hurt, anger and deceit to even continue. I miss my "person" everyday but "he" is not longer there and "she" doesn't want a life with me. I have to move on ahead and stop allowing this to keep me broken , ashamed, and humiliated. Another reason I didn't stay. I thought I could, but then I had to be true to myself. 

If your wife had not truly transition and in between two genders per se, I would so caution you.  As a straight spouse, we devote and love our partners and they cannot do the same at least mine appareently.

If you are not comfortable with being with a transman, you deserve happiness too. It's a long hard road to fight and suffer from emotional abuse when the other spouse is trying to escape to another world we don't understand.

Please be safe and make the decision that is right for you. Be true to yourself. The years together were good, but maybe the story needs to end. It's your story to tell. Good luck!

Last edited by LostAtSea (May 26, 2021 4:35 pm)

jb ibeme

  As the ex wife of a trans-identified male who told me he was "a lesbian woman trapped in a man's body" I have to say: no one is trapped in a body that doesn't belong to them.  The idea that the body and the mind are unrelated entities, that one could pluck the brain from the body and transplant it into another with no change in the brain is unscientific.  
 My spouse, and yours, have a mind-body problem, but being trapped in the wrong one is not the problem, only the way they put it to themselves.  What they have is a mind that is telling them they are trapped in the wrong body.  They say, "change my body" when what will solve their dysphoria is an understanding of why their mind is telling them this lie.