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- Victo
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Thank you, Carly, Rob and Lily.
I spent two years just calming down and re-centering myself from the stress of my marriage. As healing and helpful as that has been, I’m still not in the place where I am a fully available partner for anyone else.
It takes time and it takes a daily commitment to healing.
I have been using the acronym LCCEANGIDX because that is how I feel about my ex. It is easy to blame her closet for my circumstances.
However, the real truth is that I let myself be used and abused. I hoped that if I could just make my LCCEANGIDX happy, that I would somehow feel fulfilled and whole. But I simply stopped trying to make myself happy. I gave up on myself. Instead, I latched on to the idea that I was sacrificing for everybody else. I told myself that I was like a camel. I could take a heavy weight on my back and then I could walk across the desert without any water.
Ultimately, and perhaps predictably, I broke down. And that really is on me. I did not prioritize my own health in my relationship and instead prioritized avoiding conflict.
As much as I want a real partnership based on love and mutual respect, I think I still need to learn how to navigate placing myself first in a way that doesn’t threaten those around me.
- MJM017
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Victo wrote:
I spent two years just calming down and re-centering myself from the stress of my marriage. As healing and helpful as that has been, I’m still not in the place where I am a fully available par
It takes time and it takes a daily commitment to healing.
It’s taken me some years, too. It’s such a shock to realize that this awful thing happened not to someone else, but to you. I admire you for dating different women. This chicken (me) feels a little more hopeful about getting out there.
However, the real truth is that I let myself be used and abused. I hoped that if I could just make my LCCEANGIDX happy, that I would somehow feel fulfilled and whole. But I simply stopped trying to make myself happy. I gave up on myself. Instead, I latched on to the idea that I was sacrificing for everybody else. I told myself that I was like a camel. I could take a heavy weight on my back and then I could walk across the desert without any water.
Most normal married people give everything they can to a marriage to make it work. We did the right thing. That’s what marriage is all about. These “spouses” manipulated us into believing they would do the same. I thought he was telling the truth. Sorry to say some people are just no good. Don’t blame yourself.
Set strong boundaries. Stop contact ASAP when you find yourself people pleasing.
Am still on the road to healing from this mess. It is an everyday commitment. You are so right.
Take care,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- lily
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Victo you are doing great, I swear to you you are.
The world is full of lcceangids. I didn't use to notice, unless a woman was openly lesbian I just assumed she was straight but of course it is entirely not like that. And when you separate from your ex the first thing they think is yummy he'll do me not oh he is hurting I won't reopen the wound.
Yes you let yourself get abused but you had some help in it. Darwin's theory of evolution says survival of the fittest. Not survival of the best. You need to eat. The insect that walks into the trumpet of a carnivorous plant rather than the petals of a rose is still just following a good set of instincts. The carnivorous plant is capitalising on that by setting a trap.
If you survive the experience of being caught by a carnivorous plant then you will find that with a bit of time you have gotten an inoculation. There's a trembling in the limbs if the next flower you land on smells the same.
That you were prepared to sacrifice for your family is a good instinct against an outside force but works against you when the danger is from within. That it went so far is a sign of strength. I did exactly the same thing - took the abuse from my partner not recognising that's what it was, just sacrificing myself for his happiness from my perspective, to such a degree I ended up literally starving from a lack of affection and eventually broke down - then I started looking after myself.
It is important to recognise that the closet does more than hide the owner - the lies cover up your own face.
so now you've done a bit of digging and know you are functional. I am hoping it won't be long before you stumble on a rose and smell a fragrance that reminds you what you really can do for a woman and just how much she loves you for it.
Last edited by lily (April 19, 2021 7:49 pm)
- Victo
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
I really appreciate this thread.
I don’t know that I am all that functional. My LCCEANGIDX still sends about 10-15 texts every day - often to group texts with my mother and sister - and each time I get one, I feel a panic coming on. Most often, these texts are innocuous, but it feels like a continuation of her performative way of controlling the narrative - even with my own family. I try to respond only when it directly regards our daughter.
My LCCEANGIDX and her lesbian lover are constantly exposing my 11-yo daughter to LGBTQ issues to the point where my daughter is now questioning her own sexuality. My daughter has a very hard time making friends in the conservative area where they live, so my LCCEANGIDX’s lover has encouraged my daughter to befriend her gender non-conforming nephew (the term for this is ‘nibling’ apparently) and keeps wanting to travel with my daughter to go meet ‘they’. And when I hear the word ‘nibling’, I feel totally triggered.
I want all people to be treated equally, and openness to LGBTQ issues in childhood likely prevents the closeted behavior that my LCCEANGIDX put herself and me through. Still, I really want to show my daughter that happy hetero partnerships are possible. What kills me is that I was planning on introducing my daughter to my new girlfriend when the vaccination conflagration happened. I had spent a couple months carefully preparing my daughter to meet my girlfriend and then it didn’t happen.
(My girlfriend has come around on the vaccination issue and seems to want to keep dating me, but I am now concerned. She is not QAnon. She is lefty holistic.)
And, of course, there is the issue of career. I lost my career when the marriage hit the fan and I have been scrambling since 2019 to try to find a good and stable job again. And, the pandemic is not an ideal time to attempt this.
I have barely gotten out of bed in two days - partly because I have a slight fever (tested, not covid), and partly because I just feel so overwhelmed and drained.
I am hoping something will ‘click’ and I will begin to celebrate myself and my freedom again, but I’m not sure it will happen like that. It seems much more likely that it is a long and slow process full of ups and downs.
- Rob
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Victo,
So sorry ...my GX looks like a saint in this regard as neither of us want any contact with the other. And she has stopped rage texting me..though that can come up at any time.
Tell her you want to be removed from group texts and tell her not to text you unless it involves your kid.
Worst case change the text sound of her. But you may miss something about the kid.. She is not entitled to your time, talents, attention etc. They do not get to treat us the same as if we were married. These spouses have forfeited all rights and privileges to our time,talents etc.
Conversely my kids are older and get an instaneous reply from me. They get the same fierce reliability I always gave.
I hear you..its triggering..these spouses think its perfectly normal but to us they abused it is not. In time maybe but for now tell her not to text you about anything but the kid. I think you're doing great..extremely gray rock and she gets crickets from you unless it's so.ething directly about the kid.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- MJM017
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
I really appreciate this thread.
I don’t know that I am all that functional. My LCCEANGIDX still sends about 10-15 texts every day - often to group texts with my mother and sister - and each time I get one, I feel a panic coming on. Most often, these texts are innocuous, but it feels like a continuation of her performative way of controlling the narrative - even with my own family. I try to respond only when it directly regards our daughter.
Victo,
I am very sorry you have this high amount of stress right now. Holy cow. It’s really too much.
That amount of texting is too much considering the circumstances and has little to do with coparenting. My late GIDXH called me at work that many times a day during our separation. I felt he was stalking & harassing me. I’d consider your ex to be in the same territory.
My suggestion would be to cease participating in her texts. They are totally unnecessary & are causing disruption. It would for anyone. Send her a short, polite & professional email telling her to stop texting you. If she needs to communicate with you regarding coparenting please send an email. Thanks.
If she ignores your request, block her from messaging. Stay firm - don’t unblock. Whatever is wrong with her is not your problem. The marriage is over forever.
My LCCEANGIDX and her lesbian lover are constantly exposing my 11-yo daughter to LGBTQ issues to the point where my daughter is now questioning her own sexuality. My daughter has a very hard time making friends in the conservative area where they live, so my LCCEANGIDX’s lover has encouraged my daughter to befriend her gender non-conforming nephew (the term for this is ‘nibling’ apparently) and keeps wanting to travel with my daughter to go meet ‘they’. And when I hear the word ‘nibling’, I feel totally triggered.
I would be concerned about an 11 year old questioning her sexuality. I don’t blame you for being upset. It’s way too young.
I’m being extremely careful with where I go due to COVID. I’m afraid to go grocery shopping once weekly. I adhere to CDC guidelines. You have the right to stop your daughter from traveling anywhere now.
And, of course, there is the issue of career. I lost my career when the marriage hit the fan and I have been scrambling since 2019 to try to find a good and stable job again. And, the pandemic is not an ideal time to attempt this.
I’m in the same boat. I left my job as a programmer/project manager to hide from my abusive husband. He knew where I worked. The security guards knew about him & the restraining order. They told me he was hanging around the building.
Some of my knowledge is obsolete now. I’m taking online courses to learn new technology, jargon to use, etc. The other part is to network online through Zoom meetups. It’s not easy. Am at the stage of asking a few questions. Maybe get onto LinkedIn and start chatting. People take “sabbaticals” for many reasons. A short, general explanation is fine.
I have barely gotten out of bed in two days - partly because I have a slight fever (tested, not covid), and partly because I just feel so overwhelmed and drained.
I am hoping something will ‘click’ and I will begin to celebrate myself and my freedom again, but I’m not sure it will happen like that. It seems much more likely that it is a long and slow process full of ups and downs.
The pandemic and TGT really is too much. Stay in bed and relax.
It’s overwhelming for me too. I stay in bed at least one day a week.
I hope you feel better soon.
Take care,
Maria
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- lily
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Yes, bed is good. Victo, this is pretty bad, I'm not surprised you feel panic when those texts come in. It's really horrible. I don't know that you can ignore it though, it might be better to be informed as to how she is spinning things.
re Q-Anon - the two gayindenial women I know who don't know each other are both lefty and holistic. They both believe the same string of incompatible things at the same time - the virus is a hoax, but then she is saying Trump is a hero for stopping the Chinese coming in before anyone else, well does that mean the virus isn't a hoax? oh no answer to that.
They are being walked down a garden path, their emotional responses are being massaged - they are consuming a narrative, and it seems to be quite addictive. This is the kicker - they believe they have nothing to do with Q-Anon, they are dismissive of it. And, lock the gate - believe MSM is so bad you need to stay away from it - they think they are in the know.
Your girlfriend might or might not belong to the same group - asking her what she thinks about MSM might help.
Recently I spent time with a young straight relative and his girlfriend. I liked their company but I realised that emotionally speaking her only recourse when he showed his love for her was to turn on herself like a cat settling for a sleep and deflect his attention away from her in a critical way.
I know she likes him alright but if she really loved him, a straight woman under that melting gaze of his would be like, helpless!
- Victo
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Lily, I love your writing.
You have repeatedly mentioned that there are a lot of GID women out there. Are you saying your nephew’s gf might be one of them?
How do you determine this? How do your lefty holistic GID friends behave? How do actual hetero women behave around and feel about men?
How can a hetero guy know the difference?
- Rob
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
Lily,
"..Recently I spent time with a young straight relative and his girlfriend. I liked their company but I realised that emotionally speaking her only recourse when he showed his love for her was to turn on herself like a cat settling for a sleep and deflect his attention away from her in a critical way.
I know she likes him alright but if she really loved him, a straight woman under that melting gaze of his would be like, helpless!.."
I think this is on topic here. I think I could not see this behavior from my GX because I loved her so much. Looking back now years later ..sure, I guess this is a sign of her gayness... but its also narcissism or arrogance... call it what you will.
I think that we can sense and see these things after TGT. In simple terms I would not pine after a woman like I did with my GX..accepting crappy treatment or micro rejections of affection. Call it self love or esteem or self protection. TGT and my GX taught me its better to be totally alone than with someone that feels entitled and arrogant about the fierce love I have to give. So in looking for a new partner take note of not just their straightness but how do they treat your affection. Do they give a sense of always being praised and lavished but do not return the same? I guess I looked for signs of arrogant rejections and expectations...narcissism? more so than TGT.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- lily
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Re: What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward??
thank you for the comments about my writing - very grateful to get such feedback.
Victo, I started writing a reply but ran out of time and had to abandon it but yes, I do think there are lots of gayindenial women, and I didn't used to notice but now I do.
it's hard to really answer the questions so I'm just going to chatter on - the reason I talked about the scene with the girlfriend was because it opened my eyes a bit to what is happening emotionally for the gayindenial person. Sean has often said that being in the closet makes you narcissistic and the basic mechanism of that is what I was witnessing.
A straight woman is going to be responsive. it's completely different. you might notice blushing. star struck gazes, darting looks you know where, downcast gaze, physical and emotional responses, a bit of giggling maybe. she will be wanting and inviting more attention from you.
You gotta appreciate that as a woman I am being sized up by gay women. So that's one thing I notice these days. as well as the bruises - the impact they have on others.
One young woman I met, she came to visit in my studio and we got chatting more openly than usual and she described the pleasure it gives her to flirt with men. It is the actress in her, she loves the attention, the game of hooking a man and keeping him on the line is putting a sparkle in her eye, she is beautiful she dances she draws admiration. It is a performance. It is a performance, the man is not the centre of her attention, she is.
the straight woman helplessly watches from the side lines, for her it is real.
how can you tell the difference between a performance and the real thing? idk you just can, and I know men can tell as well as women, but up close and dazzled not a chance.
Last edited by lily (April 21, 2021 1:46 pm)