Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 8, 2021 8:39 pm  #1


How to start

I've decided for better or worse to stick it out with my spouse. After posting in the support section I realize that I guess I belong here.  Problem is that she is not responsive. It has been three weeks or so and she is saying how she wants to stay with me but is not even demonstrating the courage to go and spent time with me or even do basic tasks. I am taking care of nearly everything. She is just full of self pity. It is like she is short circuiting. Has anyone experienced this and how long did it last? It is all one way traffic and I am the one who got cheated on... I want to try the mom but can't do it on my own.

 

April 9, 2021 10:56 am  #2


Re: How to start

Qwerty, I’m truly sorry you are going through this. I don’t usually respond in this section of the forum, but I will in this instance.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, one person alone, no matter how much they may wish it, can’t make the marriage work.

Myself and many others here will tell you - actions speak louder than words. It wasn’t until I could observe my husband’s actions truthfully, ignoring what he said, because his words certainly didn’t match his actions. Then and only then was I able to slowly start to detach.

It seems to me the women appear to have more difficulty staying in the marriage once TGT is known than the males. The males, sadly, seem quiet content to stay in the closet and even keep the fake marriage going, at great costs. My opinion/observation.

Best of luck, take care of you, take one day at a time.

Last edited by longwayhome (April 9, 2021 11:34 am)

 

April 9, 2021 11:38 am  #3


Re: How to start

Your last sentence says it all. You can't unilaterally decide you want a MOM. It takes commitment from both partners. No telling how long her current demeanor will last. Have you tried or considered counselling?

 

April 9, 2021 11:45 am  #4


Re: How to start

Querty,

Like the others have said before, both of you have to really want this and to work toward it actively to make a MOM work. If you are the only one putting in the work it won’t work. I’m so sorry. I wish I could reach out and give you a gentle hug.

Tangled

Last edited by TangledOil (April 9, 2021 5:41 pm)

 

April 9, 2021 12:13 pm  #5


Re: How to start

Qwerty wrote:

I've decided for better or worse to stick it out with my spouse.

Both of you have to agree to "stick it out" if you want to have a healthy marriage.  Measure her desire to "stick it out" by her actions rather than her words.
 

 

April 9, 2021 12:19 pm  #6


Re: How to start

@hawthorne, thank you for the observation about women in her situation. That is another nail in the coffin for our marriage.
@sam, we are both doing individual therapy for now. Hopefully marriage counseling at some point once things stabilize, if they ever do.
@tangled thank you for the virtual hug. It means a lot.
Actions do speak louder than words as some have said above. I want to shake her up and tell her to get her head out of her rear end. Maybe I will tonight. She needs to put her words into action or we may as well quit while we are still young (late 30s). I just don't want to quit if we can get it to work because of we can somehow have peace and be happy, then that is the preferred route for the sake of the kids in particular.

     Thread Starter
 

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