Bec. I am so sorry.  I keep forgetting that my ex is not normal..most people are not as mean and evil as her.  Her actions were torch and burn the marriage.


I don't know what I would if she had given me indications she still wanted me...if she strung me along.  On the one hand I would have welcomed the humane treatment.  On the other hand, as others here have said,  their actions speak louder than any words..   I could not take her actions...even when she was seemingly being kind  she was texting her girlfriend. She would be sitting with me having coffee and texting.. checking her phone she was really calling me names all while she sat with a straight face talking to me.  The disloyalty and distrust will eat you up...as I'm sure your seeing.

The distrust we have despite how kind they appear on the surface will drive one crazy...  they cannot have secrets and expect a marriage to work. 

I say discretely make your plans ..knowing what you know.  Keep in mind it's not forever...who could live with a disloyal spouse forever.    Really hard if they are trying to be nice to you.

Bec, MLonely, all,

Heard this in a movie over weekend..
"How to be single" or something like that (I find all movies with heterosexual relationships comforting now);

"This is not me leaving you..this is you rejecting me."

Last edited by Rob (November 7, 2016 7:30 am)

Bec,

Rather then me hijacking Sean's thread yet again... I see you posted your story/plight/closet life   back in Nov ?  
How are you doing?     Please know there is no time frame to this...everyone needs to do what they must to survive and remain sane.
 

I say as long as he's being humane and uncruel to you  (although peck kisses and no sex in 2 years is  inhumane to me)  to gather strength for yourself and start thinking about a life without him.

As a guy maybe I may be in the minority but I did not look at porn while married.,.. I saw no reason to as I had a wife. While he may very well have an addiction its not really fair to you... very selfish.   And you probably have great distrust..suspecting/knowing there is more.   Your priest/pastor is well meaning  but he does not have to live demeaned and devalued   with constant distrust..

You mentioned confronting him (again)  but as Sean said to what end?   I'm not sure these spouses change...at least not in the way we want them to.  If they do it's temporary brought on by fear.  Does it really take one saying "I'll leave you"  to get them to have sex?   What kind of love is that?  Can they really denounce all porn, SSA, lovers, addictions  and come back to us?   But if they do  trust is gone...we'll always have anxiety when they are with anyone.. ie..  is he meeting a buddy for a beer or to have sex?

He seems to want to withhold all affection from you but expect you to stay in the marriage and accept it.     But part of being in a marriage is to have affection else why be married?  Why not just be roommates sharing expenses?      

I'm not going to dwell on my ex.   Trying to move on and only go through it once..  But my confrontation , as she stumbled in at 2:30am with her clothes and hair messed up, was brief...it was me saying "No"..just "No".     I have come to a decision that irregardless of her affair and being gay...I could not live like that..her discard, silent treatment and withdrawl of all physical contact...I did not deserve that treatment.    It was a boundary..me sticking up for myself..  a little late but still a real boundary.  

Gather strength.   Build your support system.     If you're going to confront him...ask him why he insist on hurting you?  why he thinks its ok to do what he does?    But please lower your expectations...   you may get it all thrown back at you ..how everything is your fault..therein start the lies which just make everything worst.     

A warm e-hug.

Hi Bec,

Do you feel that you need a HUGE reason to leave a relationship that is making you unhappy?  I think that we all get stuck there at some point.  There has to be a 1) reason, 2) the reason has to be unsolvable (or has proven that it won't get solved), and 3) you need to feel like that reason is a human need (for any/everyone - not just us).  When I was at that point, I couldn't bring myself to leave.  And that was because if the reason for my dissatisfaction could be solved, I felt that I needed to give my spouse a fair shot at it.  As in.... YEARS of patience - watching for ANY sign of progress.  And feeding him lots of different but simple ways he could meet those needs.  Then I felt like it was my duty to be understanding, forgiving and sacrificing - so that I wasn't being too demanding with my needs.  Just.kept.stuffing.it.down.  I let my fear hold me in place when I felt like I couldn't stand to look ahead at staying.  If I started to feel like, "I can't breathe!", then I just told myself, "You can't afford to leave".  Which was true.  But it was an excuse for me to not do what I saw as something that would make me look very selfish to my family and my ex's.

Then one day, it didn't matter any longer.  I could feel myself coming to the point of no return, and one of my coworker friends even said to me, "One day "I'm leaving!" is just going to pop out of your mouth."  I thought NOT.  Until it did.  I passed him the hallway after being out for a bit, and he said, "Hi, how are you?", and I said, "I can't do this anymore."  There was a singular moment in time when he said, "Do what?", and I thought - "Omg - I could just tell him "staying up late" or something like that, and this'll all go back to normal."  But the words were out - my spirit was restless to get out of the toxic situation I was in.  And so I plowed forward.  I said, "This. (pointing between him and I) - I can't do THIS anymore."  And that was the beginning of the end.  I wasn't asking him to change any longer.  I had reached the end of my rope.  I had realized that there was no hope left for him to change - he either couldn't, or wouldn't.  And that I was either going to have to be okay with the things the way they were from then out on out, or I was going to need to get a divorce.  I couldn't be okay with feeling like a roommate to my husband.  I couldn't handle no passion and desire.  I wasn't even 40 yet, and I'd been living without that for 14 years at that point.  No.Freakin'.MORE.

I'm so glad my top popped that day.

You don't need to prove to anyone that he's gay.  It's enough to know that you aren't happy in this marriage, and you don't want to keep this charade up anymore.  Despite what it feels like, you don't owe ANYONE a detailed justification of why you felt you needed to move on.  Maybe you need to explain to your kids that you weren't happy.  Fine.  But you don't need to justify it.  It just FEELS that way.  We've been conditioned to feel that way.

Kel

Thank you everyone.  I called a therapist today, I'm waiting on a call back.  It's been over 3 years since I first discovered he looked at the Craig's list ad. I know the time is coming, I'm getting restless. I can't continue like this but I feel like I'm stuck.

Still waiting on a call back from the councillor but I talked to my husband about the porn yesterday.   He admitted to the porn itself but totally denied the male part of it.   Said that when you follow someone on periscope it will automatically follow 20 or more people.   Lie!!!.   I told him that I know that he has watched men just men.  Videos that say gay men.... Transvestites....   He said i might have clicked on one but clicked right back of I'd there wasn't a woman.    Lie!!.  Ok what about when you were commenting on them??. 

No admission, don't know why I had hoped he would just own up to it?.   I told him I didn't believe him and that I was starting counciling next week and I suggested he do the same.   Time to gather my strength.