Hi Bec,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  It's so confusing and shocking to our system.

Bottom line is that you don't have to be okay with ANY porn in his life.  It's okay to feel that way and to tell him that it's a requirement of being with you.  That his eyes are for you only, and likewise, your body is only for his eyes.  That's the deal my husband and I have, because he just wouldn't admit that porn was in any way hurtful.  He said he didn't know the women - they weren't "real" (yes, they very much are).  He wasn't hurting anything or anyone, it wasn't wasting money, it was a perfectly normal thing for a man to do, on and on and on.  Okay, here's the deal, bub: It's hurting ME.  You don't get to tell me that it's not hurtful to me, because I feel it.  I don't give a rat's ass if something damaging is considered "normal".  If it's no big deal to look at women's bodies and it doesn't mean anything, then I guess you'll be okay when I take some naughty selfies and post them online, right?  No???  Huh.  So,..... I have to reserve my body for you, but you get to consume anyone's body with your eyes that you want? No fuckin' deal.  This door swings both ways or it's locked.  Which is it?  So the door's locked.

I can't I notice any perceivable difference in my man.  Meaning that his desire for me doesn't appear any different (note: this husband is st8, my last one way gay).  But I set my requirement and he had a choice.  You can choose porn.  And then that's all you're gonna have - fake women instead of the real thing with me.  If that's not a good deal to you, then I guess you've got a choice to make.  If you need help adhering to the plan, then let's get you help.  But stop pretending like this little habit is nothing.  If it were nothing, you'd wouldn't be doing it when I wasn't looking.

The gay porn adds another whole layer to the issue.  And I can't tell you if your husband is gay just because he occasionally looks at gay porn or looks on CL for gay experiences.  I can tell you that it's not good.  Straight men don't do that shit.  Period.

If he's fine with stopping with the porn, then fine - he shouldn't mind some software on the computer that limits his ability, or logs what he does.  Nothing to hide?  No problem.  If he pulls the "you don't TRUST me???" bullshit, just say that no - you don't.  He's done things to prove that you shouldn't.  HE broke that, not you.  He earns it back or he doesn't get your trust.  He should be willing to work to show that to you.  If not, then you've got other issues.

The lacklustre sex is another whole bag of worms.  Personally, I couldn't do it.  I did it for way too long, and then decided "fuck THIS".  I asked for a divorce and within a year found out he was gay.  And then no sooner had I cut him loose than I found a new, wonderful love.  And I can't believe I suffered through that for so long.  I used every excuse in the book for not leaving - finances, the kids, my family, GOD.  You name it, I was willing to stick it out.  Until one day, when I just couldn't anymore.  And that was the end of that.  The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back thing.  You may get there, too.  Or you can decide that whether or not he's gay, you're unhappy, and he doesn't seem to care.  That right there is grounds to walk away.

You don't get a prize for hanging in there when you're unhappy.  We think that we'll be able to look back and say, "I did it!"  Well, to WHOM, exactly, are we saying this to?  Our grown kids who have to hold their tongues from saying "But you were miserable!"  No prize.  The prize is happiness along the way.  If you don't have that, go find it.

Kel

Kel wrote:

The gay porn adds another whole layer to the issue.  And I can't tell you if your husband is gay just because he occasionally looks at gay porn or looks on CL for gay experiences.  I can tell you that it's not good.  Straight men don't do that shit.  Period.

Kel

This is absolutely true.  Straight men do not look at gay porn or gay CL ads.  

So sorry Bec.
It's hard...there is the gay thing and then there is distrust.   Both will kill a marriage.
I struggled with this for awhile but not years.   Which was worst;  living with a cheating wife who stopped coming near physically (not even hugs or hand holding) plug constant lying and putting
her girlfriend before me and the kids...  or..  divorcing and living without her.

She was hell bent on ending the marriage..she did not want it anymore.. she did me a favor by filing..  I was on the board here gathering strength.

About what you posted.. it seems like he has a porn addiction..  But yeah straight men do not look at gay porn..really I have no interest in it..its not normal.     Also with a wife I feel there is no need for porn when you have a real woman in real life.     More alarming is his periscope and snapchat account...those are real live people he's interfacing with..if gay men..well you need no further proof he's gay.. If woman its..that's just as bad ...to me real live people equals cheating.
He does seem to have problems with porn that are totally disrespectful of you.    Then lying to you is even more disrespectful.     He should be repenting and begging for counseling if he wants the marriage..if he continues...well he doesn't want the marriage..    And you can't maintain it on your own...I tried...you've been trying... it doesnt work.

And I also agree..when you confront them they twist the conversation into an argument about us snooping..  But we wouldnt have to snoop if they were not disloyal to the marriage.


 

".. just have to figure out how and when I confront and move on.."

Get your support system and exit plan in place before confronting..  confronting you know you'll get more lies and empty promises.   I gave up on the confrontations because I was dealing with someone that was hell bent on ending the marriage.. it was equivalent to complaining to the robber who just robbed you how wrong they were...pointless.

 

Bec, I am sorry for you going through this.  I truly understand your situation and how hard it is to confront.  My suspicions was raised four months ago when a close family friend from out of town asked me if I am sure my husband is not gay. This came after she saw how he looked at a friend whom he hangs out ALL THE TIME.  Up till this point I had no clue and was not even suspicious that he was cheating on me.  We had intimacy problems from the very beginning of our marriage;  he told me he is not into kissing and making out and I accepted that because of the great guy he is and the good relationship we had.  Things escalated after I started investigating.  He deleted all his chat histories and had no internet searches.  In his call log I found how much they actually call each other during the day.  I knew I could not deny GT when I found his FB account full of gay/bi friends and him following more gay/bi men.  He of course denied knowing any of this but I do not believe him.  He now receives therapy for depression and everything gets blamed on the depression - the lies, his non-performance, his lack of interest, everything. And I am the one who has to "support"him and "accommodate" his lies.  I feel like screaming and fear to go home.  He totally ignore me when I say I want space and a separation until he can proof to me that he is telling the truth.  So, there will be no going slowly for me on this one - I will have to go straight into divorce since I will not put myself at risk so he can safely hide in his closet and live a comfortable double life.  I am barely holding on to my sanity here.

Please follow the advice about getting yourself financially and legally safe.  I'll add other one:  get emotionally and mentally strong, because when he looks you in the eye and promise that he never touched or liked a man in that way it is very hard to not falter in what you know.  He will try to win you over and tell you how much you mean to him and you'll have to remember that you mean the world to him because you are the keeper of his closet.  He will show you affection in public and you will have to realise you are the make up he wears to hide his true self from the world.  He will do anything in his power to keep you, not because of you, but for his own selfish reasons.  He will use the kids against you.  He even uses my dad who is literally on his death bed, to manipulate me. And you will have to stand by what you know.  It is VERY HARD to stay strong and in control.  You'll have to be wise in what you let him know you know and what you will keep to yourself.  When to keep quiet and when to confront. I studied the ways of a liar and manipulator online and every time we have a conversation I look for the little clues of when he is lying or not. 

Like yours, mine will never admit that he is gay/bi.  He completely ignore that I asked him about it.  He continue his life as if it never happened.  It is up to me to get myself and the kids where we are all happy.  I gave up on the idea to help him - he has to decide to face that question and get help to do that.  In therapy he never even mentioned it to the therapist.  He refuses to see a sexologist.  

I am only telling you this so that you know that he might not want to jump into a divorce settlement with you.  It is a hard road that lies ahead of us and we need to be at our strongest.  Funny thing is, I discovered how weak I truly am.  So I buried myself so deep and tight under God's wing that no evil can reach me there.  I learned to keep quiet and stay calm, because loosing my head only gives him the upper hand.  I've put God in control of this and take it one step at a time.  I have not mentioned the D-word to him, I prepare myself mentally and emotionally first.

Strongs to you, Bec.  And choose your time wisely.