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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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April 7, 2021 12:08 am  #1


My climax or anticlimax

Hi everyone, 

Short intro - I am 35, saw my GIDH asking men out twice in 2014/2015. I did not ascribe it to him being gay, then the sex vacuum and I saw him watching porn in 2019. We have been separated since 2020 January. 

Last month after months of indecision on filing my papers, I wanted to try again before moving to another country. Could you not call me a fool? I went back for two weeks or more. He was happy emotional, treating me almost like I wanted when we were married but then no erection. He says he tries, but I feel his body rejects me. All through, I kept initiating sex for 99%, then afterwards, it simmered down. He wouldn't even allow me, making excuses. I wonder if anyone else felt this sexual rejection?

Anyway, to the crux of the matter now. His parents feel I am too ambitious for wanting to move to another country to further my career. Now, they want me to stay back. I have been bidding my time and peace not to need child custody battles until I leave. For Eg, we amicably went to the embassy for visas. But yesterday, he came unannounced and took the kids for a visit. I allowed it as they haven't been with him for a year. But I was also scared if that was a strategy to get them from me. My friend, who is a lawyer, approves of this bidding time approach till we leave our legal system takes a long time. 

As for the marriage, I stupidly wanted to try long-distance MOM, but even his people - parents and siblings alike are very patriarchal. SO they have said it is divorce or a job. 

I still feel a bit like a failure despite knowing it was not my fault. I am about 40lbs overweight. I am an emotional eater. I am somewhat scared of moving abroad and starting a new job with a special child. I used to be afraid of being single forever. I am getting used to the idea, though. Sometimes I miss loving him. 

 

April 7, 2021 2:45 pm  #2


Re: My climax or anticlimax

Hello OJECPOMCO,

I think most of us go back and forth with these difficult decisions.  I did.

I wanted to divorce my GIDH a few years into the marriage. I sought counseling to help break free from a sexless marriage to a closeted gay man. She didn’t think he was gay. She encouraged me to stay & I did for 16 more unhappy years. I wish I had ignored her. I truly regret I didn’t end it early on. I would have had a better chance to start over and have a child with a straight man. It’s too late for me to have my own child.

It gets harder as you get older to make major changes in your life.  If you wish to leave & are young, now is the best time.

Hope it all works out for you!

Last edited by MJM017 (April 7, 2021 2:46 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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