Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else. Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

DONATE TODAY >>>





Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


Happy New Year, Friends!

Our year-end fundraising campaign is officially complete and with your generous help we raised $13,813 to serve straight spouses in need. From all of us at SSN, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

BE A DONOR >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



April 2, 2021 1:15 pm  #1


I feel helpless

My beautiful wife of 21 years just came out as a Lebian on March 12. I was absolutely blindsided.

One of the signs was there; the intimacy stopped about 5 years ago- she claimed it was because of her weight and she didn't feel attractive. I still found her very attractive and I let her know that. 

When she came out, she immediately said she no longer wanted to be married. I was devastated, crushed and heartbroken. I'll admit it- I broke down and cried. The only woman I ever loved and wanted to go through life with no longer loves me.

I'm sure this wasn't easy for her and I'm trying to support her the best I can. 

How does the straight spouse recover? 

I've never felt so helpless, lonely and empty in my entire life.

Thanks

Last edited by John Doe (April 2, 2021 2:03 pm)

 

April 2, 2021 2:57 pm  #2


Re: I feel helpless

John Doe, I don't have any answers, as I'm new to this myself. I think part of what makes this feel so overwhelming is that your wife has been thinking about it for a long time, but you were hit with it all at once. Maybe to begin with you could ask her to understand this and be very, very gentle with you while you have time to let your reaction settle.

I'm so sorry.

 

April 2, 2021 3:40 pm  #3


Re: I feel helpless

you must be feeling shattered.  so sorry.   question to ask yourself - why do you think she has told you now.

Learning that your wife is a lesbian has a tail that runs back all through your past together, right back to when you met.      You will recover, you will feel better again but it is going to take a while.  You are on a rollercoaster of emotions right now and it will take a while but it does go back to normal.  21 years is a lot to re-process.  Huge questions brought into focus - writing it down, coming here is a great first step.  talk to others, talk to your family if possible, don't go it alone protecting your wife's secret.  She hasn't been blindsided by this, she has known she is attracted to women all along and she chose this time to tell you because....

well the likelihood is she has a girlfriend isn't it.  The likelihood is she has envisioned a future for herself including how to afford it.

She has blindsided you, you're the one in shock.  You are concerned for her, you want to support her.  Who is looking out for you?  

Be kind to yourself at all times.  I am self critical, I like being self critical it is a good and worthy trait but I found it very helpful to park it at the door for a while.  Just give yourself a hug instead,  Face up to the reality of the woman you fell for piece by piece as she presents herself.  Just from your post I can tell you have what it takes to be an excellent husband and lover - this is not your fault.

you write the truth, you say "I've never felt so helpless, lonely and empty in my entire life" and already the process of recovery is begun - you are there.  That's a really good start. 

wishing you a good future, Lily






 

 

April 2, 2021 7:01 pm  #4


Re: I feel helpless

John Doe, I am so sorry this has happened to you.  Its the double whammy, the coming out as gay along with the divorce bombshell. Two grenades into your life. It hurts like hell and totally destabilises your sense of whats real ... it did for me anyway.

It seems she has made it clear she isn't interested in softening any blows she is delivering or helping you get through, she just wants out.   So now is the time to look after yourself and not spend time worrying about supporting her. It sounds like she is more than okay already - While you are totally shellshocked she is on the front foot, in control, and ready to execute whatever plan she has made. She definitely has a plan. So ...

John Doe, you are shocked but you are NOT helpless. I would strongly recommend you seek good legal advice as soon as possible (like, right now) and get the divorce SHE HAS REQUESTED done as first priority - and find a good therapist for yourself who can help you navigate through the emotional and mental storm. Don't waste time trying to save your marriage, she has clearly and intentionally blown it up beyond repair. Get out as soon as possible.

You WILL recover, the trajectory is different for everyone, but you do get there. The pain is finite (I didn't believe that either but 4 years later I can tell you it's true). Once you have some distance you will start healing. But this first part of the journey sucks bigtime. 

Look after yourself.  May courage and strength be yours as you go forward.

Last edited by Soaplife (April 2, 2021 8:49 pm)

 

April 3, 2021 1:49 pm  #5


Re: I feel helpless

Thanks for the responses and support everyone. I'm doing my best to keep it together. Therapy starts next week and I have a few legal consultations next week as well. 

Never in a million years did I think I would ever have to go through this. 

I'm still trying to process everything that has happened in the last few weeks. 

Thanks again everyone.

Last edited by John Doe (April 3, 2021 1:50 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 4, 2021 1:49 pm  #6


Re: I feel helpless

“ How does the straight spouse recover? ”. Here’s what worked for me.

You mentioned that you are trying to support her. Don’t do that. She has been supporting herself quite nicely with your marriage and all of the benefits that a straight-looking life afforded her. Now, it’s time for you to support YOU.

This means:
1. Therapy (good work signing up already!)
2.  A great lawyer.
3.  Building your support network of family and friends. Don’t be afraid to tell people you were dragged into the closet.
4.  Medical help, if needed. I relied upon anti-depressants, sleep drugs and ant-anxiety medications.  My brain was short circuiting biochemically, and I have zero shame in having used them to help me through.
5.  Take time off from work if you can.
6.  Vent your emotions. Cry. Go on a hike (my preferred therapy).  Do something for you every day because you need to do it.
6.  Keep eating.
7.  And fight for your financial future. If there’s a retirement account you can claim, claim it. If you want the house, fight for it. Be fair (the lawyer will help), but don’t cave in because you feel bad. Nope.
8.  Join an in-person support group. SSN’s local meetings saved my life. They are mostly on Zoom now, but still entirely effective.
9.  You can’t save a marriage on your own, so don’t try. And you can’t save a marriage where you do not offer what she wants. 
10.  And finally, this will get better. My life is better than before d-say. Seriously.

Keep speaking up. Keep asking for advice. There’s lots of collective wisdom here.

Last edited by Blue Bear (April 5, 2021 12:05 am)

 

April 4, 2021 10:40 pm  #7


Re: I feel helpless

Blue Bear wrote:

...“ How does the straight spouse recover? ”. Here’s what worked for me.....

Great post BB

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

April 5, 2021 4:20 pm  #8


Re: I feel helpless

Thank You all so much for the responses. I genuinely appreciate the much needed advice and encouragement. 

I just received 3 books (that SSN recommends) and will start reading them tonight-

Thanks again everyone.

Last edited by John Doe (April 5, 2021 4:25 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 14, 2021 7:05 pm  #9


Re: I feel helpless

Unfortunately the truth is just now starting to come out. I was alerted to her having numerous online (TikTok) relationships and she is constantly on the phone day and night. She has been leading an underground online life for sometime now.

She also admitted to knowing back in high school about being a lesbian- but she always wanted kids. Apparently I've been nothing more than a sperm donor and a source of income for her. I will now be her source of retirement as we live in a no fault divorce 50/50 (or even 60/40) state.

Last edited by John Doe (April 14, 2021 7:45 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

April 14, 2021 8:36 pm  #10


Re: I feel helpless

John doe,

And therein lies the horribleness and moral wrong of TGT...that these.spouses knew  it... but in the eyes of the law are entitled.

Just remember she is entitled to half the debt also.

For me my GX was so horrible.its worth every penny to be away from her.

Move on with your life. God knows and sees .


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum