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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.


Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.

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March 31, 2021 11:40 pm  #1

Dazed and confused

I am 14 days post the reveal my wife is bi. She has kissed a new bi friend with my blessing which was a big screwup on my part. Told her not to do that anymore so my wife cut her out, though not before kissing her again. She says she is heartbroken now her friend is gone. My wife is dreaming of same sex experiences and enjoys watching women in panties. She identifies as gay rather than bi. We want to remain together. There are young kids. She says she does not want to go back into the closet but wishes she had never opened it. Our sex life started great when dating for three years prior to marriage but now after 7 years of marriage it is very poor yet she blurted out she is sexually frustrated at the moment. can't be me though, as the last time we were intimate was in 2020. I have indicated I have an open mind to try to make it if she can't be monogamous, but at the moment she has not revealed any needs yet. I feel like I am a passenger in my marriage at the moment and she is in the driver's seat. I love her deeply and want to make our marriage work. Especially for the kids. Am I on a road to nowhere and she could even be lesbian? In that case I rather rip off the bandaid than live in a sexless marriage where everyone is unhappy and we scar the kids on an emotional level. I am so raw with emotions but am just in a holding pattern until my partner figures out her end. Any suggestions of what I should be doing or some definite things not to do? I know it is Ill advised to make any drastic changes over the next 6 months. I am already seeing a therapist.


April 1, 2021 7:01 am  #2

Re: Dazed and confused

I can feel the hurt in your concise summary.   I think you're starting to see that you cannot take on the blame for what is "all her"..   she is sexually frustrated....she wanted to kiss her friend.   She probably would have done this if you "blessed" it or not.     I do not think we can control what a spouse does..its my maybe minor opinion that they are either "all in" or they are not.. They are either for us or against us.   

You've already taken good steps ..getting a threrapist, posting here  to build a support system.   It is a shock and one should not go it alone.

Some things not to do/to do.  I write this from a place of perspective looking back at one thing I noticed.     Try not to fight in front of the kids.. My GX just couldn't help herself most of the time and  screamed at me in front of the kids.   The tension and eggshells were not a good environment for my kids.    If I have any regret is that I probably should of stood up for myself more in front of them and not have been so physically afraid... but I did what was needed to not have things get physical.    After we separated , in the early days, it took me some time to teach the kids that no, you cannot yell and swear at your father..that is not how a child treats their father.       They are ok now and really happy with two houses where their parent is sane, and un-abused.  (at least my house is).

 In that regard I can say one can tell when its time ....  when the anxiety and tension in the house is too much and it's starting to affect your ability to work,  be a good parent etc..   Marriage is not supposed to be about trying to keep one person happy, always fearing and being anxious about what they may do next ..

warm welcome and thoughts of courage and fortitude.

Last edited by Rob (April 1, 2021 7:03 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

April 1, 2021 7:29 am  #3

Re: Dazed and confused

Qwerty, welcome to the club noone wants to be in.  14 days in, you will still be reeling, its a huge shock isn't it.  Your instincts are good, love that your kids come first with you.  Sadly your partner is putting her wants first and is asking you to be ok with infidelity. If you signed up for monogamy, as you go forward you will be able to decide if that is acceptable to you and if it is something you want your kids to be part of.  As you read more and more on this forum you will recognise aspects of your dilemma and get ideas as to what might work for you.

Personally, though it sounds harsh, I'm a great believer in ripping off the bandaid, getting the children away from a problem that is not of your making and will cause a world of pain to you the longer you stay.  I myself incline towards calling bullsh*t on their incredible willingness to blow up their family for a f*ck. BTW dont be surprised if you find out a lot more than kissing has been going on, she's probably engaged in a full-blown affair but still wants the family as plan b fallback between dalliances.

Dude it sucks.  Put yourself and your kids first in all your deliberations.  Strength to your arm and courage and wisdom to your heart, we are here for you.


April 1, 2021 8:20 am  #4

Re: Dazed and confused

Qwerty, I hope your spouse is also seeking therapy. It seems to me that she is not being honest with herself, or at least not telling you what she knows. Whatever happens, honesty and communication is the only way to get there.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

April 1, 2021 12:13 pm  #5

Re: Dazed and confused

Hi Qwerty

I'm on board with Rob's 'minor opinion' - the way i see it it's one way or the other.  It's either a good marriage or a bad one.  there is no compromise there is no imbetween.

a good marriage is going to have it's ups and downs, it's going to have arguments it's going to require resilience, we are all quick to make an effort to make the marriage work.  But I completely agree with your estimate you are on a road to nowhere.

My working understanding of what the term bisexual means is gay in denial.  Your wife is even saying she is gay, saying that she wants women.  where is this not being a lesbian? 

she regrets telling you.  she wants to stay together.  

Look after yourself, stick up for yourself at all times.  I don't like the idea of being in a holding pattern where you are raw with emotion - that sounds like a hiding to nowhere - you're looking after her, she's looking after her, who's looking out for you?  

don't try and go it alone, best is if you have family you can talk about this with.  

Last edited by lily (April 1, 2021 12:14 pm)


April 1, 2021 2:26 pm  #6

Re: Dazed and confused

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Ask yourself whether your vision of a healthy, reciprocating marriage ever included a wife who is:

a lesbian or bi, but certainly not straight;
not faithful;
pining away for and "heartbroken" over a woman, rather than pouring her energy into you;
dreaming of same-sex experiences;
an aficionado of watching women in panties;
frustrated with her sex life, likely because she married a dude like you instead of a woman;
unwilling to be intimate with you; and
in control of your marriage, allegedly because she's trying to "figure things out"?

It's early days for you in terms of processing this.  But if you consider the other issues in your marriage (e.g., lack of intimacy), you've probably been subconsciously processing this already.  I'm glad you've already sought out a therapist.

PS:  I determined that staying together "for the kids" was a bad idea for my marriage.  I did not want to model a bad marriage for them.  I did not want to suffer through the misery of being married to a lesbian, and therefore be unable to give them the energy and attention that only a happy dad can give them.  In my opinion, it was far better for them to be from a broken home rather than continue to live in one.

My kids and I have come a long way, and I'm happier now and able to be the dad my kids deserve.


April 1, 2021 4:22 pm  #7

Re: Dazed and confused

Thank you all so much for your replies. I was not expecting so many so quickly. It is literally bringing me to tears as I write this. It is so good to have support and perspectives. You are all asking good questions and making good points that I will be taking into consideration as I wrestle with this. Once I get myself pieced together I will definately pay it forward.

     Thread Starter

April 1, 2021 4:51 pm  #8

Re: Dazed and confused

Hang in there, brother.  I used to become very angry when people would tell me "it gets better".  I thought that was impossible.  But let me assure you, it gets better.  Keep posting, keep asking questions, speak up.  We are here to help, and respectful of your timeline and decisions that you need to make.


April 2, 2021 12:44 pm  #9

Re: Dazed and confused

Thank you. I am still in the denial phase but slowly progressing. Focussing on my kids for now while my partner is wallowing in self pity on the couch most of the time. It has been like that since she came out. Having to be the adult for the moment but eager to start asking her some uncomfortably questions about what may have gone on behind my back. She was cheated on by her previous partner so I never thought she would be able to do it to me. I never considered it possible so I feel extra betrayed. For us to have a snowball's chance in hell of surviving this I want to see all the skeletons in her closet. This all makes me so mad. I should have been the one getting laid. I made a point of only being intimate with women I could see me being with for life so I have only had two over my lifetime, including my wife. I feel so screwed over.

     Thread Starter

April 2, 2021 8:27 pm  #10

Re: Dazed and confused

Qwerty, Good to see your righteous anger is kicking in.  That anger was my driver to action to protect myself and my kids. My advice continues to be don't waste too much time focusing on her and her past and what she wants now... focus on securing your future with your kids.

And be aware a lot of things can be secretly managed with a mobile phone while wallowing on a sofa as someone else does all the work. Including but not limited to deep and meaningfuls with potential/actual affair partners. And spending and transferring money.

Just sayin'.


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