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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 22, 2021 12:46 pm  #1


Now What?

I don't even know where to begin....

My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married 15).  He's a big, masculine guy, in a bad boy kind of way.  Sex has always been an extremely important part of our relationship and our sex life has been amazing (similar interests and drives), which was wonderful as in both of our previous relationships it was not so.

Early on I would occasionally find internet searches, gay porn, gay dating site (hairybears or something like that).  I confronted him and got lame answers, "I was searching for XYZ and it just popped up."  Like everyone on here seemed to do initially, I let it go.  Time would go by and things would be great, then another round of internet "pop ups" would surface.  I'd let it go, or if I confronted him with it he denied everything and start getting mad that I was accusing him of being gay.  In the fall of 2019, I felt a nagging and looked at his email one day.  I saw that he had signed up for a gay dating site (gaymaturedaddies, and was looking at another site, gaytruckers).  I followed the link in his email to his account and aside from changing the birth month and day---year was right, and moving the next town over from ours, it was legit.  He hadn't signed up for full access which would require payment, but he could look and his profile was listed.  He listed himself as gay, no picture of himself at all.  I could see the profiles he had looked at.  All of the other typical dating site questions he left blank or chose the "Tell you later" option.  This bothered me so badly that internally I was a train wreck, felt sick to my stomach, you name it.  I sat on it and didn't tell him I knew, but every chance I could get on the computer without him home I was snooping.  I took pictures with my phone, emailed them to myself and printed them at work.  I actually went to see a psychologist twice without him knowing because I was so upset.  She looked at my evidence and deemed him gay or bi.  It didn't appear that he ever tried to message anyone, or couldn't on a free account, and I finally confronted him.  He denied everything and it was a stalemate.  The usual responses, "If I wanted to go that way why would I have married a woman?" etc.   Again, I let it go.  Things calmed down and then the pandemic hit and we were home together 24/7.  One day we starting playing a game where we would ask each other a question and most of them wound up sexual, which lead to a discussion about a threesome (which I would never do).  It evolved into a discussion about which gender the third would be.  He was open to either one, I said absolutely not with another woman.  The threesome conversation came up several times and once I was graphically describing that I would be watching and telling the third (a guy) what to do to my husband.  He was very into it and said he felt like this was something I really wanted to do, then offered to set it up and he was willing to do it FOR ME!  I didn't answer and he kept pressing, asking me if I wanted him to set it up to the point that I almost said yes just to see how far he would go!  The way he was acting I felt like he had a person on speed dial and could have it arranged for an hour later!  I started crying and felt sick to my stomach again.  He said, "It was your idea."  I told him that I never wanted to discuss it again and wouldn't want to see him with anyone.  Conversation kept coming back around to this general idea because I couldn't get it out of my head that he was so willing to do this "for me."  He noticed the theme and said to me that he felt like I wanted him to be bisexual!  I actually looked at him and said, "Where is the benefit for me if you were?"  It's not like if he were a prince or something with perks for me.  About all I got as far as validation, if you can could call it that, was him saying that it's hard enough to make a relationship work, so it you find someone you get along with than it doesn't matter if it's same sex or different.  We agreed not to talk about it anymore. 

Spring 2020, he tells me in bed on my birthday when we're getting romantic that he's bored sexually, which leads to a shitty birthday and me crying.  He says, "See, I knew I shouldn't have said anything!"  I told him it’s great to discuss things but the timing was all wrong!  This leads to him going on a buying spree of all sorts of toys, like stuff arriving almost daily.  It was too much too fast and I started feeling very uneasy sexually which caused performance issues for me, which upset him because I never had any issue previously, but I don’t think he made the connection.  He also started buying other stuff that left me questioning his orientation.  At one point I even asked him how he identified sexually.  His response was "same as I always have."   Of course I pursued it and asked "Which is?"  He said that although he's never had anything physical with a guy, he's open to it (if we weren't together), so he could be bisexual ("If you needed to put a label on it" was his quote).  He also said that since he's never been with a guy he considers himself hetero.  Apparently performance is the deciding factor in his mind.  This kind of opened up communication and he even showed me a folder of pictures on his phone.  All were men with the same physical type, built like him, in various stages of undress and poses (most flat out naked---playgirl stuff here).  He had been working out and weight lifting for about a year and he said these were images of the body type he was working towards achieving.  I can see having images to “inspire,” but pictures of naked men ready to perform?  Yeah, right, I’m not stupid. 

Fall 2020, I find another gay profile (bromodates) linked to his email.  Similar thing, change of birthdate and next town over, no picture.  This time I made a fake profile and basically stalked his profile checking often to see when he was online, which was a lot for an account that isn’t real…  Once I sent him a message saying "Hi handsome" and he responded with "I see you like bad boys don't ya!"   Now I'm pissed off and confront him flat out.  He denies it's him, doesn't know who sent me the message.  Said the email with the account link is spam.  I say it's signed up to your account!  He wants me to show him.  I open his email and go to the profile and show him.  He says, "My birthday isn't_____, I don't live in ____."  I can only imagine what my face looked like because I snapped back with "That's the best defense you can come up with?!"  Then he started with why would he have had three long term relationships with women, been married to two of us, if he wanted a guy?  Am I really going to keep accusing him of this because he doesn't need it, etc   As I said, I was pissed so I made a profile on a free dating site one day to see what else might be out there.  Two wrongs don’t make a right, I know.  Anyway, the prospects were dismal, however one guy did message me.  We exchanged a couple message (about music mostly) and he sent me his picture.  Stupidly I kept it on my phone.  Of course a day or so later my husband picked up my phone and saw the picture.  I said that I had talked to him a couple times one day.  My husband became so upset, yelling and acting like I had slept with 1000 men, and how could I do this to him, yet still insisted that he hadn’t done anything when I brought up his profiles.  Things calmed down again.

Where we are today…..he has recently outright told me that if we ever broke up he would pursue a relationship with a guy.  He said that he loves me and has been very happy with our marriage and wouldn’t do anything to ruin it (cheat I guess?).  We have spiced things up to try and meet his needs (just the two of us---no threesome) but I fear that it isn’t going to be enough for him.  When I expressed my concern to him he said, “It’s going to have to be, right?”  He said that he isn’t going to do anything that I’m not ok with or that would end our marriage.  I asked him to tell me if he starts to feel like he needs more and he said, “Why, if I can’t do anything what’s the point?”  I said to remain open and communicate.  He then said, “Ok, I’m telling you, I need more, now what?”  I changed it and said, “What if I told you that I wanted to be with a girl, what would you do?”  He said he would ask me a bunch of questions and then take it from there.  He named some questions.  I said, “Ok, you’re happy with the answers I gave, now what?”  He said, he wouldn’t view it as competition, so he might be ok with it once, but he would never be in an on-going three way relationship, that's not what he wants.   I told him that being in a committed relationship there shouldn’t be anything intimate like that with ANYONE other than your partner and that I would view another man as competition, so to speak.  I told him that my jealousy and nosiness would drive me crazy if he went out for a night to go do whatever with some guy.  No way in hell.  He also said there is no way he could stand to see me with another guy.  I also told him that I was genuinely afraid that if he did do it that he’d want it more (kind of have his cake and eat it too), or decide that he wanted to go that way all together and we’d be done.  He seemed to understand and was sympathetic to what I said.  He repeated that he wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t ok with or that might damage our marriage, but he added as he was walking away, “But it might be fun to try once before I’m dead.”

My husband can be very stubborn and determined if he sets his mind to something, so I’m trusting his word, but I really feel that he may want to act on it at some point.  He's said that being with a man isn't something he's "chomping at the bit" to do, but he likes the idea.  It's so confusing because I feel like it's hanging over me and I'm thinking about it all the time, when he's behaving perfectly normal (talking about home improvement projects, things we should do over the summer, etc).  

He asked me yesterday if the bisexual thing makes him less of a man in my eyes because real guys aren't supposed to want to do that.  I said it doesn't because he's probably the most manly man I know and there are many facets to being a man, not just sex.  He said the only reason he told me was because of the crazy threesome conversation we had.  I told him that if he had told me he was bisexual early on in dating that I don't know if I would have pursued a relationship with him, but given that we're 20 years in and things have been really good I'm not willing to throw it all away.  He said that being bisexual doesn't automatically mean someone is promiscuous, which I know.   He's been in three long-term relationships, all with women.  The first lasted 10 years, they were engaged and he ended it.  The second lasted 6 years and they were married, she left and then passed away prior to the divorce being finalized (so he's technically a widower).  I'm the third at twenty years, so he knows how to commit to women.  

Comments, advice??? Anything??? 

 

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