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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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March 20, 2021 4:57 pm  #1


It just gets more difficult and confusing

I asked for a separation last weekend and I really thought it was happening. Then I let him drag me back in. He cried and begged and I caved. I feel so sure of what I want one day then the opposite the next day. I feel like I'm actually going insane. I haven't slept well and had a hard week at work (I work at a hospital). I only slept a few hours last night and was plagued with nightmares. I'm irritable and burst into tears randomly. I can barely eat. I've isolated from friends and family. I'm so glad I can vent here. I need to find a new therapist (I said something in my last post). Thanks for listening. No one else understands.

 

March 20, 2021 5:41 pm  #2


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Hi AuroraMoon. I found out my wife of 22 years was a lesbian last July. It is a roller coaster! One day I'm sure of what I am going to do , and the next day I'm conflicted. Stiil live in same house and are not separated, yet! So I know how you feel. Only thing I can say is that , I feel much better that I did a few months ago, and when the time comes, I'll be better prepared. But with that said, nothing about TGT is easy!


You can hurt me with the truth,but please don't love me with your lies.
 

March 20, 2021 8:03 pm  #3


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

There's nothing easy about this is there!  the conclusion I reached was I was the only responsible adult in the room - `I had to make the decision on my own.  It was 18 months of effort from there to getting it sorted.

Asking for a separation is asking him to be responsible and instead you got another round of the two step.

If he is anything like my ex he will now be salting away whatever money he can lay his hands on in preparation for the day you insist on separation.

I was plagued by nightmares at one time - like the new poster talking about a ski-lift dream, they all turned out to be accurate expressions of what was happening.  After a while it started happening during daylight hours - walking through the garden with my now ex, going up to the carport, I was going away for a few days to care for my mom and my brain is just chanting at me - beware the snake in the grass.

By the time the nightmares were happening I seriously needed help, I needed my own help first.  I needed to take my self seriously, take my nightmares seriously and beware the snake in the grass - I needed to stop listening to my husband.  Then I could connect with other people and get the support I needed.

You are not going insane - you are being pushed into accepting an unreality, it is a nightmare.  reach out to family and friends, and talk to anyone you want to.  eat little bits when you can, take little naps whenever the chance arises.  Look after yourself and be kind to yourself at all times.  Give yourself a hug and a pat on the back for all you have handled so far and then give yourself another hug for good measure.

 

March 21, 2021 12:03 am  #4


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon wrote:

I asked for a separation last weekend and I really thought it was happening. Then I let him drag me back in. .,....

Oh my! You're where I was about two years ago. Bad sleep patterns, crying ALL the time, unsure about my future. Every time I think " I need to get out of here " I'd end up crumbling, saying " I would lose too much!"
I think, though it's a stage many of us have to go thru as a process of learning about what we really really want in life, and where we want to be.

But Aurora... It's you who has to the work. As long as your headspace is one that focus' on you and where you're going in life and not so much the man who decided to ruin it.... You'll get to a point where your sorrow will be less, your fear of the future will be replaced with plans and you'll have answers in your back pocket when he begs you to stay

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 22, 2021 2:44 am  #5


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Try and hold fast to what you want - which is separation.  I only found it possible to leave because I had found a place to go.  I said I'm leaving, and I went. Perhaps instead of worrying about your partner you could quietly redirect all that anxious energy towards getting a place organised for yourself to live, or even just somewhere to stay for a while. I didn't discuss it at all, i just did it, while carrying on 'as normal' until i was ready to go.  You'd be surprised just how little a narcissist notices, who sees you as nothing more than a wife appliance to do the boring jobs. And I also quietly got a lawyer to start the property division process.  You'd also be surprised how quickly assets can disappear if a partner gets wind if your intention to leave. Plan your exit and go.  You dont have to justify yourself before you go. You want a separation, make it happen.  Lots of luck to you ... it will be a bit easier to work through it without him there complicating things for your healing.  Hes a grown up making unilateral decisions, he can take the consequences.

 

March 22, 2021 11:11 am  #6


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon:  I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are in a really rough spot right now, and it’s natural to be confused!  The best piece of advice I can give you is to ask yourself:  what do you want?  It sounds like he wants the cover of the closet, and you (understandably) do not want to go back in there.  IN a relationship, you both get to make decisions.  Choose the one that’s best for you.

Straight spouses are empaths.  We look out for our LGBT spouses/partners to a ridiculous degree.  Now, it’s time for us to start directing that caring toward ourselves.
 

 

March 25, 2021 6:48 pm  #7


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

AuroraMoon, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think I will likely be going through something similar soon, and I know it's hard to know what you want sometimes. It's not like it's easy to just go. You suffer, too. Then when you've made a commitment to yourself and he undoes it, you're back to square one with even less hope of escape. (I say this because I did leave, about five years ago, only to find myself back in the relationship after less than a year.) 

How are you doing now?

My heart really goes out to you.

 

March 28, 2021 1:24 pm  #8


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

suzuki b wrote:

How are you doing now?

 
So he convinced me to go to marriage counseling. I told him I would go if he found the counselor and set it all up. I've found my own and all of his therapists so far. I said I'm done helping you and I want a separation, so if you're asking me to try this last thing then you have to do all the work finding it.

He has had a few appointments with his therapists since then. I told him to be honest with me about the progress he makes in therapy.

Things that concern me:

He told me he is scared of me, that he doesn't feel safe to be himself at work or home (he doesn't go anywhere else)

He said he doesn't know what he is. Trans, non binary, gay, bi. He thinks 99% straight but doesn't know. I said if you don't know or are even 1% not straight then YOU ARE NOT STRAIGHT. Ugh so frustrating.

He is too afraid to express some things (so he is lying by omission)

He doesn't find masculine people attractive "for the most part" ??? You do or don't???

He is attracted to "kindness, humor, style and that's why he is " curious about trans women" ??? Those aren't qualities of trans women, they are qualities of specific people's personalities, not based on gender and sexuality.

We can't be together if we "keep triggering each other. I can't live with this much anxiety"

"If I'm being honest, I would like to try sucking cock"

God help me

     Thread Starter
 

March 30, 2021 8:11 am  #9


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

Aurora,

Well he's not straight.  Straight guys have no desire for those things..

..it says a lot.how you threw the ball in his court and you see him struggling ..
I dont think marriage should be that hard..one should not have to struggle and stress if they really love someone. If one is not straight they shouldn't marry us or they should give up that portion of themselves..  vows and promises were made...its like they said the same words as us but they had different meaning to them.  Years later now we are left wondering what we did wrong..but we all stood on the same alter and said the same words.

For me, if I ignore the gay, it's a matter of character and integrity..
One either means what they say and says what they mean..or they are dishonest.
It was clear which my GX was..no amount of counciling was going to fix her core character..she did not want the marriage and I could envision her in counciling going down of list of things that I did wrong..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

March 30, 2021 9:02 am  #10


Re: It just gets more difficult and confusing

A couple of comments:

One, Rob is right.  He's not straight.  A man who says he's attracted to transwomen and would like to "suck cock" is not straight.  

Two, Rob is right again: "You threw the ball in his court and now you see him struggling."  Although I would put it as "You threw the ball in his court and now you see him waffling."  His being "scared of [you]" and not "feeling safe" and saying he "can't live with this much anxiety" is just a way for him to avoid acting and transfer onto you the need to work hard to minister to him so he can "feel safe" and less "anxious," neatly projecting onto you the very anxiety his desires have raised in him.  

 I heard similar things from my trans-identified now-ex.  Things like "I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me." Or, "While you're away I'll think about what I want from you."  And, "I wish I'd never told anyone."  Things that were invitations to me to work harder to convince him of my commitment or to not pressure him, or were implicit threats that he would end it (kind of like "I can't live with this much anxiety").  All of these utterances let him off the hook for actually having to act on what he said he wanted (or didn't want).  

Eventually I realized, to use Rob's metaphor, that the ball was ALWAYS in my court.  He was never going to act to leave, and he was never going to give me the clarity I thought was needed in order for me to feel ok about leaving.  I realized that I could not "make" him do anything, and that the job of coming to terms with his sexuality was his and his alone.  It became clear that he was not going to act to alleviate my anxieties or to give me clarity, because although he might threaten to leave me, and tell me how unhappy he was with me, he wasn't going to leave.  Why?  Because leaving would mean that he didn't have me conveniently there to blame for his not being able to "be himself."   Finally, I realized that if anyone was going to end the impasse, it was going to have to be me.  So I did that, in the only way that could satisfy my own needs and support my own values: I left. 

  One last way Rob is right: marriage shouldn't be that hard. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 30, 2021 9:08 am)

 

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