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May 14, 2021 10:50 pm  #21


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

Rob wrote:

Many here would have stopped and helped you. And that is the difference between us and them.

The fact it was a dream, and that it was at the beginning of the whole "feeling that something wasn't right between us" 
stage...makes me feel....now....that it was a premonition. A bit freaky & weird

MJM....'hugs'..

Elle
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

May 14, 2021 11:38 pm  #22


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Rob wrote:

Many here would have stopped and helped you. And that is the difference between us and them.

The fact it was a dream, and that it was at the beginning of the whole "feeling that something wasn't right between us" 
stage...makes me feel....now....that it was a premonition. A bit freaky & weird

MJM....'hugs'..

Elle
 

I am the most unsuperstitious person - though I'm religious i tend to be sceptical of 'signs and wonders' and apocalyptic type beliefs.  But I have had powerful and vivid dreams on occasion all the way through my marriage breakup and TGT revelations - 6 years now and not done yet. Though much happier than i thought possible even a year ago.

Dreams are part of our processing system. They can 'reveal' stuff we are in denial about or things we've seen but have not understood. I pay attention now.

I am a great deal more broad and open minded than I was before my life imploded so spectacularly. A painful journey but an interesting and educational one 🙄

 

May 17, 2021 1:02 pm  #23


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

Thank you all. 

Elle, isn't it amazing how clearly we can think when we dream? Just straight up "This is what's actually happening, and here's how I feel about it." I have a hard time knowing my true feelings sometimes, so dreams help me a lot.

Leslie, it's more old friends who she'd fallen out of touch with that she's getting support from, not so much a new LGBTQ community. She says she feels less comfortable around me because of the association of heterosexual coupledom, and (ironically) because she cares about me more than anyone else and is in love with me. 

Why does it bother me that she goes to others? I've always wished she (or he) was less dependent, and now I'm getting my wish . I think it bugs me because it feels like we're drifting away from each other. But I realized that if the goal is for us to keep our deep friendship, we have to really accept the end of our romantic and sexual relationship first. I think she isn't capable of being a good friend right now, and I'm not capable of being a good partner, so we're both unhappy. More and more I'm feeling that we need time and space apart before we can see what's possible.

I told her in counseling that I can see her as a woman or as a romantic and sexual partner, but not both. She seemed to accept it, but then in the next session she burst into tears, and the whole session was spent getting her to calm down. So we're not going to be able to work on the path forward, even, until we get her emotions under control. As for me, I'm emotionally numb right now. I know this is going to hurt a lot down the road, but right now I just can't deal with the emotions, so I guess my body has decided not to experience them. I haven't cried once since she came out to me.

Last edited by suzuki b (May 17, 2021 1:04 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 17, 2021 9:02 pm  #24


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

Suzuki b, you are being a good partner ... you are staying,  listening, trying to help and support and understand - everything a good partner and friend does.

Your dreams are telling you that your partner is not reciprocating. At all.  It is all one way.  That is not a healthy relationship, and you know it somewhere deep down.  It is surfacing fast though. It is so sad to come to that realisation after so long together.

Once I understood that, my next move was out.

Your partner is making it so clear that you are not part of her new tribe.  Eventually you will be discarded as her confidence grows and she gets more into the life. I suggest she has already started discarding you by excluding you from so much of her new life.

You don't have to stay around waiting for it to happen. If you are not ready to leave at least please take steps to protect yourself emotionally, legally and financially for when the final discard comes.

Your future is very important too. ((Hugs))

 

May 18, 2021 1:27 pm  #25


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

suzuki b wrote:

  I think she isn't capable of being a good friend right now, and I'm not capable of being a good partner, so we're both unhappy. More and more I'm feeling that we need time and space apart before we can see what's possible.

I told her in counseling that I can see her as a woman or as a romantic and sexual partner, but not both. She seemed to accept it, but then in the next session she burst into tears, and the whole session was spent getting her to calm down. So we're not going to be able to work on the path forward, even, until we get her emotions under control. As for me, I'm emotionally numb right now. I know this is going to hurt a lot down the road, but right now I just can't deal with the emotions, so I guess my body has decided not to experience them. I haven't cried once since she came out to me.

Edited: I just realized I used the wrong pronouns. Sorry

Hi, I have been reading all along, but haven’t answered as I haven’t experienced trans & didn’t have anything pertinent to say. However, as a straight spouse of a bisexual husband who has experienced the pain of him cheating as well as some poor behaviours when I found out, etc., I can relate & wanted to share some of my experience with you. I will say that at the time, we are trying to make our marriage work, but my husband is no longer acting out- no porn; no men, no pouting over no men 😊...but, since your husband has pretty much checked out of your marriage, I can see that your situation is so different than mine.

For one thing, I couldn’t try to reconcile/stay in the marriage if I were the only one trying. He IS trying to be a good husband & succeeds a most of the time. So, it’s worth it to continue. If he were still out there, or pining away to get ‘out there’, I couldn’t manage it.

When you mentioned he burst into tears in the therapy session, it sounds like you may be doing something a lot of us do (I’m pretty sure I’d be one of them & have seen myself soften)...and that’s that if we’re almost out the door due to their behavior & they do something that makes us feel sorry for them & it makes US feel bad about hurting THEM...So, how much sense does that make???? NONE. They’ve hurt us A LOT  more than that! (now, I’m not sure if that's a reaso you’re staying, or have thought that way, but just suggesting it).

And, as far as being numb....that’s normal...it’s a natural protection. But, it’s also a sign of depression, which I’ve experienced due to this. I don’t think you can get around it, tbh. Talk to you therapist about it. ie: take care of YOU.

Last, but NOT least. I agree, you need to ...well, I try not to tell anyone they have to leave their spouse. In fact, on Reddit one of the bi/marriage (not sure which one) subreddits has in their rules: Do not tell anyone to leave their marriage. (or words similar). It’s not up to us. 

However, I can say, I don’t think this is good for you to have to live through all of this in the same house with him. I hope you will talk with your therapist about what is good for YOU.

Best of luck ((((HUGS))))

Last edited by SusanneH (May 18, 2021 1:33 pm)

 

May 22, 2021 10:20 pm  #26


Re: Sliding off the ski lift

Suzuki B - I'm in a similar situation. When I was first ambushed with my STBX revelation about being a transwoman, but is now also bi-transwoman.  I was angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, etc. After a few days, I wanted to stay and help. I found counselors and we actually did one couples therapy. That session didn't go well as I felt disrespected with him showing up on a zoom therapy call with eyeliner on. It has been such an emotional roller coaster with his excitment/terror.

Sounds to me your dream is telling you that you are no longer in control. This is exactly how it was for me.I was trying to control the situation. I wanted to stay, to fight for my "person" and "partner" and to find him the best help I could. I did all the research and connected him with the right therapist and clinics.

As if his trans news being withheld from me for 16 years was not enough, then I found out the rest of his "bi" revelation. He has been on dating sites and was sexting married men naked pics dressed as a transwoman. This was utterly shocking and gut wrenching to me. I was so ashamed, humiliated, and disgusted about this behavior. Nothing I would have ever thought he would do. 

I would caution you to really evaluate your situation and be true to who you are and what you want. For me, he was my best friend and I felt my "person" in this world. After all the anger, rage, and sadness, we came to a better place with open and honest dialogue. He still wanted to try to make it work, if I did. I don't know if I was just scared or lost my damn mind, but I thought about trying to make it work. He asked me to halt our divorce one week before the court hearing. But he now "desires" to be with a man because he wants to have a heterosexual relationship as a transwoman. Not only has he changed his gender, but he also changed his sexuality. All of this without taking any hormones. He tells me as a man he's not attracted to men and attracted to me, but as a woman he's attracted to men and want a relationship with them.

When people would tell me that he "died" and not the person I married, but I didn't fully get that until one day when we were going round and round in a circle about why he wanted to come home. He said he wanted to hold onto me and couldn't let go. He would call crying and we would both end up on an emotional roller coaster, but I never wanted to leave in the first place. Then I asked him why he wanted to hold onto me so bad? Then it clicked...."He" wants to hold onto me, but "She" wants something new, someone new and a new life. So until he fully becomes a "she", I'm still going to be temporary as I was for 16 years.

Please take time to evaluate and truly give yourself the best gift and talk to a therapist alone. This will help you figure out what you want and need for your future. It's hard letting go or even accepting this news and there is no playbook for this. It's your life, so make it a good one! Good luck to you.

 

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