OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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- Séan
- Unregistered
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
Thank you for sharing justme. Your honesty, compassion, and feelings for your husband all come across in your initial post. You reminded me how things were in the beginning with my (then) wife. I too obsessed about her, fantasized about her, and couldn't get enough of being with her. You also mentioned a familiar fear when looking at women. I felt this same fear when looking at men. It's the fear of realization. I've known that I was gay since the age of five and repressed it for almost 35 years. I remember sharing my attraction towards a boy at age six, only to be shamed for it. Until very recently, love only had one path: boy meets girl; girl marries boy; they make babies. What you've described sounds a lot like the relief I felt when I met a girl. I was more in love with conformity than I was in love with her. But I couldn't conform forever.
Sexual orientation is a bit like breathing. It's involuntary. Yes we can hold our breath for a time, but you can't hold it in forever. As a gay man, from the age of five I yearned for intimacy with another man. But at the time no one encouraged these feelings. In fact, society condemned and ridiculed people who felt like me. So I hid it and married a girl. Around your age, things started to change. I felt the tug of same sex attraction. Internet porn satisfied me for a time. Male escorts satisfied me for a time. Anonymous sex satisfied me for a time. But what I truly wanted was to share my life with another man. I wanted to love and be loved by another man. Unfortunately, I created an entire other life based on what society wanted me to be: a straight man, married to a girl, who had children.
So what's my point? The last person we come out to is ourselves. Deep down, you already know who you are. But you're probably not ready to accept it just yet. Any conversations you have with your husband is simply part of your journey to honesty and authenticity. I can appreciate that you don't want to hurt him, but I'd suggest telling him everything as soon as possible. As many have shared here, fear leads to secrets, secrets eventually become omissions, then lies, then betrayals, and finally resentment. Right now you're at a crossroads and I'd urge you to be brutally honest with your husband...and yourself.
What you have so bravely described here, namely "...I can get turned on by just looking at women..." sounds very familiar. It suggests that you're either bisexual or gay. But like many of us, you're perhaps not quite ready to accept it. That's normal. Whether you speak to your husband straight away or not, I'd suggest focusing on you. As a gay man, the struggle was ultimately learning to love myself because only then could I truly and authentically love another.
So here is my advice: find other women like you questioning their sexuality; call/email two or more women who have gone through what you're experiencing; and thereby start the process of accepting who you are. I'd also reach out to any local LGBTQ associations in your area to find a therapist properly trained to deal with these issues. I'm not sure if your current therapist is truly helping you. You mentioned volunteering which I'd probably avoid for the moment because you'd likely share personal struggles and self-doubts with other 'questioning' people when what you need are people to help you.
Again I applaud your honesty and compassion which are examples for all of us. Please keep us posted on your progress.
- Justme
- Unregistered
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
I want to thank everyone for their replies. And thank you for trying to understand. I don't even understand this myself, and a few years ago I would have never thought this would happen. I know this sounds crazy, but before meeting my husband, I dated a man who would kiss and touch me, but never wanted to have sex with me even though I initiated it. He turned out to be gay, and I was so mad at him because I felt like he had been lying to me the entire time. I never thought I would do the same thing. It is so hard to make sense of this.
A few comments on your replies:
"If you are still in love with him, still enjoy having sex with him and not longing for sex with another person outside your marriage, then it seems like you can continue having a happy and healthy marriage. "
I so want this to be true. Sex has never been a problem for us. I want it, I enjoy it, I think about it during the day and get excited. It does not feel like I need anyone else, but I cannot be 100 percent certain it will stay that way. My husband deserves a guarantee that he is all I need, and I wish more than anything else I could give him that. I obviously thought I could when we got married.
Would you have wanted your wife to be honest with you when she was still making sense of everything and struggling to accept her same sex attractions? Or would you have wanted her to wait until she felt right about labeling her sexual orientation and knew what she wanted to do about the marriage? Without cheating of course.
I want to be honest with him and I hate keeping secrets from him, but I still don't know what this means for our marriage and I don't want him to end up comforting me when I am the one causing this. So maybe I need to wait until I am sure what I feel and what I think is best for our family.
"The gender that you can get turned on just by looking, that's your orientation speaking. Your instinct."
That is what I think, too. I have the same reaction to my husband's voice, smell and touch. I like looking at his body and his face, he is handsome and I like touching him, but the visual stimulation is not enough. I just never really thought about it because people always say that women are less visual and so on.
In the past, I have had sex without wanting it or being turned on and just wanted it to be over. That feels truly awful, and I would never do that on a regular basis. Not once have I felt that way about my husband. Sex has always been great, and when it happens, I feel like there is nowhere else in the world I would rather be.
I think bisexuality exists, but that doesn't make me bisexual. I dont want to use that label just because it is more convenient, and I want to be sure how to label myself before I talk to my husband. Maybe I should just tell him that I am not sure, but I don't know what he will do with that information, except that I know he will not leave me even though it will be painful for him. So I feel like I should avoid causing pain until I have a more definitive answer.
"In my teens and 20's, I dated women and enjoyed sex with them. The problem was that sex with women was the only sex that I was allowing myself to have. And then, after being with a man, I could no longer deny to myself that I was gay. For me, sex with men was on a different dimension than sex with women."
Thanks for sharing. Did being with a woman feel wrong in any way?
I used to think that you had to be repulsed by sex with the opposite gender if you were gay, which is why I never considered the possibility. Now I know it is not true, but when I was growing up, I just assumed I was straight because everyone else does. When I started dating boys, I found out I enjoyed kissing them and being with them, so I just kept on doing that. If it had felt wrong I would have started questioning my sexuality earlier, but it felt right. I have always had close female friends, and I have never had sexual feelings for them. I was envious of the attention my attractive female friends got from boys, I wanted the boys to notice me instead. I still have a hard time believing that social conditioning can be that powerful, but maybe it can. It does not feel right to think of myself as gay, because then I just can't make sense of my past and present feelings.
"I'm curious: 1. Why did these feelings scare you in the first place? and 2. Do they still scare you, and if so, why?"
When I was young, the feelings scared me because I did not want to be different. Now I couldn't care less about being different, but I am scared because I don't know what will happen to my marriage. And - this is more selfish - I have trouble facing the fact that this is actually me, that I have put my husband and my child in a situation where I can end up hurting them so much. I don't want to be that person. I cry all the time and I am crying as I write this.
I can't really imagine kissing a woman or doing anything sexual. I really don't know how to imagine it, but I think that it because I lack experience. If I had had a lot of sexual fantasies about women I would have looked into it earlier, but all my fantasies have been about men, which confuses me a lot. I have had fantasies about other men after meeting my husband, too. I would never act on them. But stuff like that makes it hard for me to think of myself as gay. It just doesn't make sense.
I can't imagine how painful it must be to discover that your marriage has been a lie, and that your spouse was never attracted to you. No one deserves to go through that. I want my husband to know that is not the case, but I don't know how to explain that to him. When we met, he lit up my life and I wanted nothing and no one but him. For a few years I don't even think the same sex attraction was there. It is so strange.
Off cause I don't want my own memories of the marriage to be tainted, either. I don't want to think of it as "not real", because it has always felt so real to me, especially in the beginning. If the marriage ended, it would be horrible, but if we could not even hold on to the memories, I don't think either of us could live with that. For me, I also don't want to lose the memories of my other straight relationships. I want to remember holding hands with my first boyfriend at 15 and feeling happy and excited without thinking it was all a lie. That is my own problem and not my husband's. But I know he would feel that way about the marriage, and I wish there was a way I could avoid that.
Is there anything your spouses could have said to you that would have made it possible for you to keep the good memories?
Thanks for reading.
- Justme
- Unregistered
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
I'm so sorry I posted the same thing all those times! I don't know how to delete old posts, does anyone know how?
- Justme
- Unregistered
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
Laurence wrote:
I think my ex was like you in that following the birth of our first child is when things 'changed' in terms of sex. In retrospect maybe this was the start of her realization that she is gay. But I am also mindful that I could be reinterpreting history to fit a narrative. She would argue she is bi I think.
Thanks for sharing. Does the label even matter to you, and why?
- Sam (Admin)
- Administrator
Offline
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
I'm so sorry I posted the same thing all those times! I don't know how to delete old posts, does anyone know how?
If you register, you can edit and delete your own posts. I deleted the extras for you, no problem. Glad you found us.
- Steve
- Member
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Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
I guess this flies in the face of what others have said but I think while you are confused and while you are remaining faithful (i.e. Not having an affair) you should NOT tell your husband. Some people might view this as being dishonest. I don't think it is. I would describe it as not lobbing a hand grenade into your marriage unnecessarily.
I must also respectfully disagree with the notion that who you are attracted to defines your orientation. Who you are attracted to certainly informs your orientation but I personally think that it is who you fall in love with that defines your orientation.
As a straight man I can confirm that women are beautiful creatures. I don't think you have to be a straight man or a lesbian to appreciate a beautiful woman. Hell... I can spot a handsome man a mile away but it doesn't make me question my sexuality. Why? Because as handsome as the guy clearly is I never feel like I want to have sex with him AND I only ever fall in love with women.
So... My advice is that you keep thinking about this and reach some sort of resolution in your own mind before you publically label yourself gay or bisexual.
My ex-wife came out as gay... divorced me... and then proceeded to have a series of disastrous lesbian relationships. At least three that I know of. One was even violent and involved a restraining order. She is now single, alone and very embittered. She now claims to be asexual and not attracted to anyone. It's very sad.
I'm NOT saying that's the path you would go down or that many, many women haven't made the transition to a happy gay life I'm just saying be careful and think A LOT before you sacrifice your marriage on a fleeting attraction to women. If you find your attraction is not fleeting. If you find yourself falling in love with women or out of love with your husband then yeah... you definitely need to be honest with him. Until then I suggest you slow down, breathe, and don't rush into a decision you might later regret.
Just my opinion folks.
Last edited by Steve (October 31, 2016 11:26 am)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Laurence
- Unregistered
Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
I think my ex was like you in that following the birth of our first child is when things 'changed' in terms of sex. In retrospect maybe this was the start of her realization that she is gay. But I am also mindful that I could be reinterpreting history to fit a narrative. She would argue she is bi I think.
Thanks for sharing. Does the label even matter to you, and why?
At this point it makes no difference because the relationship is 'dead'. My interactions with my ex are limited to talking about our kids. The end of relationship was not pleasant as most aren't but because of the level of deceit etc from the affair there was nothing left but bitterness and distrust.
On reflection I'm inclined to agree with Steve. Depending on the people involved it will be very hard to put this ' genie back in the bottle! Think carefully about how want to proceed because of your husband and your kid/s.
- phoenix
- Administrator
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Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
Steve,
I think I agree with where you are coming from. Your perspective seems to be that she should not lob a grenade into her marriage unless and until she knows for sure what she is and how that will affect her in the future.
I guess I assumed that she was taking the correct steps to self-diagnose and do that before shaking things up.
You are right though to caution her against taking action until she knows a bit more. I agree with that.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Steve
- Member
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Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
Yeah look... I hate advocating for anyone to stay in any sort of closet but Justme sounds genuinely unsure of her feelings. With her feelings so unresolved and what she wants so unclear I can only see more harm than good coming from confronting her husband with it now.
I guess I'm advocating for more reflection (and possibly therapy) before dropping the 'Im gay' bombshell because they are not words you can simply take back and they WILL change everything.
Last edited by Steve (October 31, 2016 4:17 pm)
You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up.
- Jeff W
- Member
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Re: How do I talk to my straight husband?
Hi, Justme,
I don't want him to end up comforting me when I am the one causing this.
You didn't cause this, okay? You entered into a marriage with your husband full of love for him and believing that you were straight. You behaved very differently than a gay person who knowingly engages in a sham and is just using a straight person for a cover.
CajunBelle said:
"The gender that you can get turned on just by looking, that's your orientation speaking. Your instinct."
Then you said, Justme:
That is what I think, too. I have the same reaction to my husband's voice, smell and touch. I like looking at his body and his face, he is handsome and I like touching him, but the visual stimulation is not enough. I just never really thought about it because people always say that women are less visual and so on.
Then you said to me,
Thaks for sharing. Did being with a woman feel wrong in any way?
It didn't feel wrong, no, as my beliefs were so deeply ingrained that it was "right." I was also just thrilled to be having sex -- with anyone -- at 16. I didn't pursue girls and women, as I didn't instinctively desire them, but I would respond and reciprocate when pursued by them. I enjoyed sex and closeness with them, as that was all I had ever known, and all that I allowed myself to do. I had squashed my gay feelings so far down that I didn't even let myself "go there" in my own mind.
I was very young throughout it all, just 16 - 21 years old when I was having sex with women. Many things were possible at that age that wouldn't have been sustainable down the line. After that, I came out of the closet.
CajunBelle hit the nail on the head and explained this better than I could, in her response to you:
I understand you're not feeling revulsion for your husband. My point is my ex, who is gay, had zero "instinctive" reaction to me and men are supposed to be so visual, you know? visually he was turned off by the female body and would have to "get there" (to arousal) by other means (flirting, talking, and being stroked and "warmed up" at some length by me in order to want intercourse with me.) The instantaneous reaction of arousal from just seeing someone-- that's the orientation.
That is exactly how it was when I was very young and having sex with women. 100%. I wasn't even fully aware of how I worked back then until she explained it here yesterday, thank you CajunBelle for sharing your insights.
I used to think that you had to be repulsed by sex with the opposite gender if you were gay, which is why I never considered the possibility.
This is a myth. A small minority of gay people go on about how repulsive the opposite sex is. But that's not the norm at all. I don't like being around lesbians or gay men who are insulting the opposite sex. I also don't like being around straight people who bash the opposite sex. Anyway, nothing about women repulses me.
When I was young, the feelings scared me because I did not want to be different.
As Sean said, being afraid of your instinctual attraction to the same sex is pretty universal among LGB. There will come a day when this is no longer the case, and that day will be the end of mixed orientation marriages and all of this heartbreak.
Squashing same-sex desires and channeling sexual energy toward the opposite sex usually "works" for most gays and lesbians in the short term. I am not saying that you're a lesbian. Only you can figure this out.
Now I couldn't care less about being different, but I am scared because I don't know what will happen to my marriage. And - this is more selfish - I have trouble facing the fact that this is actually me, that I have put my husband and my child in a situation where I can end up hurting them so much. I don't want to be that person. I cry all the time and I am crying as I write this.
You never meant to do this. Some LGBT people enter into straight marriages knowingly fooling their spouse. You're very compassionate, never tried to fool your husband, and would hate to hurt him. Please be kinder to yourself.
Last edited by Jeff W (October 31, 2016 4:25 pm)