Go sham, go.  Its called doing what needs to be done. Its called self worth and ethical  morality.

I read your post and can feel the righteous  defense of self  and kids which we need to have.  Make sure you have a lawyer

  These spouses can't expect no consequences to their actions. They are not gods. I think a lot of them are narcissists. .as I snooped like you what I found was horrible and the more I snooped the worst it got.  Their sense of entitlement and what they are doing is right knows no bounds.   

I think you handled everything well. I certainly did not show enough righteous anger..treated my ex too nicely when confronting her in the beginning.  In truth I gave up as she would twist any arguement into something else..ie you were snooping. ..that's private...always keeping off the real truth of her gay affair. I avoided trying to reason with someone who's values did not include me or the kids.

I think it's never to late to throw up boundaries.. my GX was shocked as I said no to all her threats and demands as we divorced.  Too little too late but boundaries nonetheless for my self worth and kids.

CARRIL (omit). It's an encryption error!

Dee: Bless you, I could sure use a real facetoface friend right about now. If you ever find yourself wanting a vaca in Alberta, ring me up!

Today was productive, he moved a lot of stuff out (read: cleaned us out), to where i don't know. I was busy purging & packing his inside stuff up.

I had already discussed with my lawyer on Friday about moving forward & expediting our initial plan. I took the "emergency plan of action "The nice thing about him raping the property of all supplies & equipment, leaving me nothing, is that I then can justify changing the locks on Monday. He will have no reason to come back & so we need to be safe right? ;) Plus, I've been taking plenty of photos of Before & after for documentation.

I was not in bad shape today, only ugly cried a few times with the reality hitting me, how alone I am, scared shitless for me & the kids. At the risk of sounding like a selfish narc mom myself, it's not the kids I'm so sad for. They will still have their relationship with their father, they are just starting out in thoer adult life & looking forward to so many wonderful loving times. But I'm early 50's, and not as naive & optimistic of love. The finality & emptiness of it all is so bloody crushing. And it's really hard to comfort the kids when they are confused, mad at me I'm sure & they haven't a clue what happened between 3 days ago & now that this is all going down. I'll discuss with my therapist how to handle questions & reveals & truth so as not to traumatize them further. I will not however, keep TGT or his transitioning a secret. In time, sure, but there will be no more shame, secrets & collusion. It breeds such darkness.

Betsy; I'm unfortunately well aware of the Stockholm\s, PTSD & all that. I've been doing a lot of research & both me & the psychologist agree I am battling both, plus depression/anxiety.  It does help reading about narc gay husbands & divorce as it eases the pain a bit knowing hundreds/thousands have gone thru the same, describe the journey the same & it is possible to come out the other end somewhat in tact. It just takes time. I would give anything to skip this next year of sadness & get to the brighter spots.

I'll admit, it is frighteningly painful at times & I truly feel so abandoned. I'm a grown ass woman & feel like I've been dropped off on the moon to fend for myself. The only thing I have is Faith. Faith that I was finally thrown into this because i obviously wasn't going to initiate it myself (or at least follow thru with it). Even now, I so want to be where we all were a year ago so I keep reminding myself the future couldn't possibly be worse than the last 20. I'm scared shitless, but the glass is still half full.

I've been thinking about something lately, regards to the magnitude of the grief we all feel. I've been thru betrayal (affair) with my husband before & yes, it was terribly painful, but this? It's so massive, like a dam of pain is being let loose. I'm wondering if what makes the grief & loss so profound for us str8t's is that we have bottled up, shoved down, ignored, pacified all those years of painful moments & when your body finally is able to acknowledge it it's an insane depth of sorrow. As in, beyond the couple dozen things that one would normally be feeling in "normal" betrayal, but then hundreds of hurts that have accumulated over your entire relationship are suddenly all boiling over. Does that ramble make sense? No wonder I've had a longstanding migraine for almost a month.

Bless you all for the lovely hugs & support. It means so much as you already know  

Sham xxxx





 

Last edited by whatasham24 (October 29, 2016 10:33 pm)

Sham,
   I'm so sorry I didn't log in here right after you first wrote, so I could offer you support when you needed it in a crisis.  As it happens, you were writing your message about gathering up all the lady duds on the same day I was fantasizing about pulling all my husband's lady duds out of the drawer and cutting them up with scissors before leaving them in a pile on the front walk.  
   I'm sorry your break up had to come as a crisis, but I'm really glad you had the break through, and made the move.  You were in an intolerable situation, and caught between the pressure of living with the demands placed on you by a pathological narcissist and the promptings of your own knowledge that you needed to get out and save yourself.   
   I do so understand what you mean about the sorrows, how you cast back through your life and see things differently, and feel the loss of them as you go.  When my husband came out as CD/TG, I felt as if my whole past had been a lie, and that he'd taken it from me.  Later I began to mourn the loss of what I'd formerly felt were good moments, all of which I would now forever see through the lens of what I now know about him.  Recently other events in the past have started to come up, and I'm seeing them in a new light, too, in which I am creeped out by how he fed on my female body like a vampire--when I was breastfeeding my baby my husband wanted to be there in the room and watch, and took pictures of the baby at my breast, focusing on the baby and the breast, without my face in the picture, because, I know now, breasts are what he wants for himself.  My role in his life is to give him access to the female body and experience he wants for himself, and when I refuse to play that role, he goes all frosty and hard, becoming, as you so eloquently told your husband, he was "emotionally unavailable."  How right you are: with these men it's like living in an emotional freeze-out zone.  
     Part of the grief I've been processing is for the loss of my hopeful vision of a future in which we work things out; all those years invested in thinking maybe, just maybe, we could correct course and make it work, and how great it would be.  When my husband first came out, I helped him express his desires because I thought, hey, if he can finally be his authentic self, maybe he can be happier, and if he's happier, maybe he can finally be a full partner in this marriage.  (Not the same as your "if I help him maybe he'll eventually get it out of his system," but similar in the essential hope.)  But as we know, with these types it's ALL about them; they are incapable of looking outside themselves.  Last weekend I fled the house for a colleague's (she was out of town), after another conversation with him in which he said, for the umpteenth time, "I know I have to be better at communicating.  I'll use the time you're away to think about what I want from you."  "What I want from you."  Not, "what we might do."  Not even, "What I want for myself" or "who I am."  What "what I want from you."  I have never had a more clear revelation of his vision of my place in his life.  You hear it and see it for a long time, and each time, it becomes more clear, and then, finally, you can't live with it anymore.  
   That's where you are: you knew what you could stand and you knew what you couldn't; you knew that your health couldn't stand up to the blows your body has been absorbing on behalf of your mind and emotions for years and years.  
   Please don't beat yourself up about seeming heartless about your kids and worrying about yourself.  The relationship between children and parents is different than the one between spouses, and you are absolutely right that they will continue to have a relationship with him.  They will have a relationship with you, too, even if at first it may be rocky, because the person who exposes the craziness that everyone else is doing their best to ignore is the one who gets blamed.  Families have a huge investment in masking the dysfunction that allows them to limp along, dysfunctionally.  
  Sham, I'm 63, and will be 65 when I walk out (if I can indeed endure living in this mess for two more years); I'd give to be ten years younger, to feel I had even the ghost of a chance for a chance at a lover.  But both of us, you and me?  We'll feel years younger and lighter without them, and we'll watch the years drop off as the anxiety and perpetual stress drops away.  We'll get our authentic woman selves and our authentic woman lives while they ever more desperately feed their delusion.
   And Sham, when I was a teenager I rode in the Calgary Stampede, where a chuck wagon racer said I'd make a hell of an outrider.  I'm counting on that toughness...and I know you've got it, too, or you couldn't have endured the craziness or stood up to it now.  
  You go, girl.