I fell into a rabbit hole of blogs and forums today and finally decided to post my story here. I really feel the need to feel normal/safe again and I want to get support from everyone that went through something similar.

My story began in November 2020. I married my fiance on October 24th in Copenhagen. We had a small, but beautiful ceremony and some of my close friends in Europe were able to attend. We were so happy that day, after a 3 year long distance relationship. I was based in Berlin while he was in London.

Literally 3 weeks after we got married and I was back in Berlin doing house viewings for us, he came out to me on a video call with the truth. I had asked him when exactly he would be relocating in Berlin and after a brief pause, he said "I've decided not to. I need some time apart to think about things. i've been having thoughts about myself". I yelled and felt nothing but fury when he told me this, and that's when he yelled back and told me he's been thinking about becoming a woman. The worst part was him saying that this was "recent" and only "just started happening". But every part of my body feels this isnt true at all. 

I cried so much and I was screaming at him during this call. I remember calling him stupid and then i desperately asked him to move to me and stay with me and not break things off. We were both crying at this point. We ended the call and I told him to take his time to think about things because I needed to do the same. I had a panic attack after the call and couldnt sleep and messaged 2 friends who were able to come to me the next morning. I felt so helpless, and i felt like my entire world had crumbled around me. I cried for a whole week non-stop, couldn't eat or sleep properly. 

But after a week, i knew exactly what I wanted. I couldn't be with him and I couldn't be with a woman. I have never seen myself as a lesbian or experienced bisexual thoughts and I never judge or shame anyone who has. I'm a LGBTQI+ supporter and live in a city where this is celebrated. 

But I couldn't be with him. We did not speak since then. I applied for a divorce in January and send him and his parents a long email about my thoughts, my feelings, my anger and my reasons to apply for the divorce. I could never look at him again and I still feel like I dont want to know what he's been upto since then. I feel like my heart and brain have completely repressed every thought of him. I deleted all the wedding photos, got rid of all his clothes, hid my wedding dress and the ring. Since December 2020, I basically chose to ignore everything that had happened and focus on myself and my life here especially during a strict lockdown.

Since then, I have moved into a new apartment on my own and I haven't reached out to him at all. All my closest friends here and back home know what happened. My dad has been super supportive and calls me up almost everyday. 

However, the feelings of anger and emptiness and loneliness haven't gone away. I have started putting myself out there through tinder and bumble and actually went on a few dates so far but everything feels surreal and weird. I know i'm still legally married and that he is still somewhere out there also in his own world.

I can feel myself trying to replace this emptiness with the dates. I crave intimacy and connection so much right now but I can't imagine every loving or trusting another man ever again. I feel so empty inside every morning, and lonely and I'm filled with regret. But the scariest feeling is thinking that I don't think i'm going to be able to love again.