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- AuroraMoon
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Re: He said it's too late for him
So he had his first appointment with the gender and sexuality specialist yesterday. It was the intake appointment so there wasn't any "therapy" just getting history and medical information. He was very exhausted and sad when he got back from the appointment. He said its hard explaining everything to a stranger. Telling them how he blew up his marriage. He has a lot of shame and guilt keeping him stuck. I also had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and I felt so much better. I feel like whatever happens, I will be ok. I need to stop trying to control everything and be ok with not knowing what is going to happen. That's really hard for me. I want to know the outcome of this but that's impossible.
We went on a bike ride today and I needed a break so we stopped at the rose garden. He said, "hey this is where I proposed, right by that rock. Lets take a picture." He held my hand and told me how much he loves me. It was so painful. I want so badly to forget everything that happened and go back, but I can't.
My plan is to give him a few weeks with this counselor and see what they figure out. Also, take that time apart like was suggested. If he doesn't have any answers in 2 or 3 months, then separation. I don't want to divorce, but I can't live like this much longer.
Last edited by AuroraMoon (March 2, 2021 8:46 pm)
- AuroraMoon
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Re: He said it's too late for him
Deceivedandsad wrote:
Aurora -
I feel like we could be writing the same story - except for the fact that at least your husband is honest with himself- at least to a point!
My husband will say he wants me, and only me - but he is most definitely gay. He is trying to pretend like everything is completely as it was before I found out.
He is trying to stay in the marriage. He is TERRIFIED of losing everything we have, and says he is terrified of losing me. But I can't help but wonder if he is just scared of losing his cover and the image of him being a "great husband and Christian guy."
I also can't seem to move past the feelings of sadness, depression, anger, insecurity, and deep deep despair. He gets mad that I can't just "make up my mind and choose to forgive and move on."
I am also terrified of leaving, but don't know how to stay, either.
What a fucking hell-trap we are in. I am so sorry you are here... but we are not alone. As stupid as it is that any of us are here, at least we're not alone, right?
Yes your relationship is so similar to mine. I'm hoping for more honesty in the future. I don't know if he is gay or bi yet. In my gut I think he is gay. Hopefully therapy will help.
I also feel like he is scared to lose cover. I don't want to be a beard!
I can't move past the feelings either. They build up and up. It might be possible to forgive, but moving on seems very unlikely for me. It really is a nightmare I can't wake up from.
I'm so thankful for your support!
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Thread Starter- AuroraMoon
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Re: He said it's too late for him
You could be me, writing the same story 10 years ago and nothing has changed. I'm still living in his closet and about every 6 months or so the elephant in the room shows up. My advice is to end it now while you are young enough to pick up the pieces and move forward. We are now in our 60's and I'm done. I told him last week he needs to get on with his life, I will live here until I decide it's time for me to leave. I consider myself single now and that is what I want and just telling him that has helped me and him. I quit doing everything for him and guess what..... He is doing for himself because I'm not. I am starting to look to MY future without him and I feel so better about me, I am over it being all about him and his issues. Good luck sweetie, I wish you the very best.
See that's what I'm afraid of. Staying with him and nothing changes, the cycle continuing over and over for years. I can't live like this for much longer. I'm also done with it all being about him. Like he's going through this thing and I need to shut up and just be supportive. Stop bringing it up and forget it happened. Yeah right!
Thank you for your kind words and support!
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Thread Starter- Julian_Stone
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Re: He said it's too late for him
I feel like whatever happens, I will be ok. I need to stop trying to control everything and be ok with not knowing what is going to happen. That's really hard for me. I want to know the outcome of this but that's impossible.
I can relate to this so much. I remember those brief moments of calm in those dark days...I knew nothing then, but I knew I would be OK. Those moments were fleeting...Then I would feel the crushing weight of all the things I didn't know...those things that were both beyond my control and tied to whatever decisions I made. I remember saying to the therapist (our post-bomb couples counselor) during my one solo session: I don't need therapy. I need a psychic and a bottle of wine.
Last edited by Julian_Stone (March 2, 2021 10:46 pm)
- AuroraMoon
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Re: He said it's too late for him
I remember saying to the therapist (our post-bomb couples counselor) during my one solo session: I don't need therapy. I need a psychic and a bottle of wine.
I couldn't say it better myself!
Last edited by AuroraMoon (March 3, 2021 7:29 pm)
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