I've heard other people here post similar stories where others knew or suspected and said nothing. As I recall the reason why was usually either that they thought the straight partner knew and was OK with it or responded with something along the lines of - would you have believed me?

Vicky - I felt like you for a long time.  We would talk about him watching gay porn and I'd tell him that I didn't really mind if he watched it as long as he was honest with me.  I told him that the only reason it bothered me was because sometimes he'd say he wanted to stop but then wouldn't be able to... that it was worrisome that he seemed to be conflicted and out of control.  This went on for 7 years.  Sometimes we'd talk about the things he was curious about with men and sometimes he'd act completely straight, just like you said.  I was in my 20s, very liberal and open, nonreligious and thought that there was no way he was gay because he seemed to be attracted to me.  I figured that if he was bi, even though he wouldn't use that word, that I couldn handle it because we loved each other and he was a good guy.  

Things went on like this until I found him emailing men off craigslist and asked for some time for us both to date other people (his other people being men - lots of them).  Even through that, were still best friends... up until the time I asked for a divorce and stopped letting him dictate terms.  He didn't want a divorce and he didn't want people to know about his SSA.  I quickly found out that his need to keep up a straight facade was his priority in life, not our relationship.  Everything changed and he became a lying POS who betrayed and discredited me at every opportunity.  When I stopped believing that he was "straight with an attraction to men" and wanted out, I became the enemy.  Things really got bad when I decided to tell my parents and a few friends what I thought and why.  I don't know why I was so surprised that he would lie about me to others after he spent 10 years lying through our marriage.  Even though your husband is sometimes throwing you little snippets of his true desires does NOT mean he's being honest with you.  If he was being honest, you wouldn't be so confused.  Like the folks on here say, it's just the tip of the iceberg.
How ridiculous is it that we feel guilty for being turned off by their SSA?  I wish it had just been a lap dance for me and not the threesome that's seared into my brain.  We met a stranger at a hotel room and afterwards I was so disgusted/drunk/high that told them I was gonna go wait in the lobby.  Two hours later, my dear husband came down and told me that they had done it again and that he thought I had gone down there to give them privacy.  He was shocked that I was upset.  

Hi,
What has happened is when I found the internet stuff I processed that first then in the least threatening way I could I asked him, I told him he needed to tell me if he was gay or bi, that I wasn't going to freak out and take the kids away.  He denied it but then went on a 2 day spiral of unusual behaviour.  I think he was very close to telling me, that he wanted to but he didn't.  It was during that crazy couple days that he put on the bi porn, I think it was his way of showing me without saying it does that make sense?
He still watches it, and while it's on talks about what's going on, if he's had a few drinks then he talks about doing those things too.  He mentioned a male prostitute once which makes me think he has not at all tried anything, he's seems to be escalating lately in his want to do this.  I wonder sometimes if he is bisexual but this desire seems so strong because he's not suppressing it anymore.  It could be me overthinking it but in my head it seems like he's most keen to have sex when there has been porn on first.  Also I feel like when he comments on the men he's much more lustful rather than how he comments on the woman.  His comments on the woman are more like what he thinks a man should say, like she's has nice breasts (when he barely notices mine and I'm a nice DD), but the men it's like 'he must go to the gym' or he'll say something about touching his abs or this size of his dick.  At the stripper I saw his reaction and I can't get that out of my head, I don't think he's ever had that sort of lust for me and it's making me think he's kidding himself with the bi thing.

What I really am struggling with the most is that he genuinely loves me and takes care of me (not financially we're equal income earners).  I can't figure out what HE gets out of this.  He gets the cover of being straight but that's not all of it or he would be the cheating monster so many other people on here describe and not the caring person he is towards me.

I do wonder if my presence makes it not gay and that I am enabling him to thinking he's straight.  I didn't say this earlier but we went to a female stripper first at his suggestion.  And although I don't think he put this much forethought into it, I realized later that I'm trapped, I can't claim he has a SSA because we went to a female club too and had a lap dance.  And when I brought up the male lap dance he did exactly that, mention how we went to a female stripper so it's the same.  Would I choose to go to a strip club no, but I did it anyway just wanting to know where he's going with this.  But he has a way of normalizing it all that is frustrating.  He thinks it's normal that he wants to rub his hands all over a guy and give/receive a BJ, I do not agree that it's normal for a straight guy but I can't argue it with him he just disagrees and gets mad that I think he's gay.  So I am stuck in this limbo of not having any real idea of what his thoughts are, and not knowing what he gets out of this, why he loves me at all.  

I feel like lately he can't even strike up an argument with me that if I am annoyed at something he concedes right away.  I think he's worried I'll leave him I'm sure of it.  He seems almost nervous around me and the dynamic of our relationship has changed.  

I know that I've put my own needs aside but it won't be forever, and it's not in all aspects of my life.  Lately I've felt more liberated to do whatever I want, he hates drugs so I had stopped smoking weed but I occasionally do now.  And I don't worry if he will be annoyed that I stay out all night with my friends I just do it.  If he annoys me I tell him, if he corrects my grammar (I hate that) I tell him he doesn't get to tell me how I can talk.  I just feel more able to speak up and not be a door mat lately because he won't argue back.

Vicky

Thank you for talking, wow, I just don't know what to say.  Yeah none of it makes sense, so it was more you're picking up on his desires more than his discussion. 

I have to be honest the first thing I did when I finally had access to the internet was look up gay/bi porn because I was curious, now I've seen it, don't need to see any more of it. One of my best friends asked me if I'd date a bisexual man. I fired back are you trying to hook me up and she said yes, and I said no way in hell. She laughed her butt off. She was the reason I went and looked up gay/bi porn actually it was a dare. They didn't think I'd do it. Hehe!

One thing I've noticed with the bi porn and the three ways is it seems the men get the woman over and done with and then focus on themselves. I'm not sure if this means anything, just something I noticed. Heck could be the porn industry just makes those vids that way. I'm like you, I've never had any desire to be in a strip club in my life. Never had a reason to be. 

I guess you are in a state of limbo, I find it odd he won't talk about anything with you and his reactions are not those of a straight man. Yet, it seems to me on what I've educated myself on with the whole gay/bi dating thing these days is he wants a bisexual open relationship and not lose you either. Do you think my assessment is correct? I feel this is the direction you're headed however he could be no more than bi curious and not done anything or will ever do anything. It's all kind of a crap shot nowadays isn't it.  

I'm unsure how often my husband sleep with men, I really don't know and how big a role the drugs and booze played a part, his issues with nam and so forth.  I think most of our former friends, family and co-workers would never believe it.  I didn't believe it when his roommate tried to warn me when I was dating him and my former husband has been married twice to other women since our divorce. Ten years with each woman. He has dated countless women.  

Well at least you're sticking up for yourself, that's never a bad thing.

I guess since he hasn't stepped over the line, I feel what you're doing by playing it by ear is the right thing for now. I'm limited on what I can offer you advice wise because I've been divorced for so long and the real reason I left my husband was the alcohol and drug use.  I never knew who was going to walk through our door Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. Hopefully some of the other women/men will weigh in and offer more advice. You just seemed to want to talk so badly and get it out. I hope I helped with that with my questions. I just sensed that from you. I wish you the best and I'll keep following your story. 

I think maybe your husband wants (for whatever reason) to think of himself as straight.  He decrees it, therefore it is.  The fact that he's liking things a straight man wouldn't makes no difference to him - because HE's straight, and HE likes it, therefore it's possible.  It's like a duck declaring himself a chicken, and then when someone says "You can't be a chicken - you quack", he says, "But I AM a chicken, and Iiiii quack, therefore chickens must be able to quack."

One of my worst days of my former marriage was after I'd asked for a divorce, and time had passed (but he still hadn't moved out due to financial constraints), and we'd both started dating others.  He came home one morning all aflutter about a new boyfriend.  I made a joke which he took seriously, and wound up spilling the beans about how they'd slept together (supposedly my ex's first gay sex).  My ex was SOooooo over the moon about this guy - how wonderful he was/is, how amazing he is, etc.  And even though I was OVER him, I realized that I'd NEVER seen him this excited about anything before - certainly not me or our relationship.  And then, all of our 16-year marriage seemed like a lie.  All those times I thought he was happy, weren't really all that happy.  I just thought my ex had a low emotional output - he never really got super excited about much, so that was just the way he was.  NOPE!  Here he was, super excited in a way I'd never seen him before.  And suddenly, my entire marriage and our little family was all a lie.  I was very wounded in that moment.  Not for what he was moving toward as much as suddenly, all that came before never was what I thought it was.  The man who fought so hard against the divorce was never really real.  It was all just to use me as a beard.  Something in me died a little that day.

Kel