Hi Vicky - I don't post much either anymore.  I find the new site takes too long to go thru all the links so I'm not able to post as much anymore, especially at work

To answer your question, yes, I made the decision to leave my spouse who wasn't a bad guy, who was nice, caring, a friend (though not my best friend), a great cook who even cleaned up, great job, well raised from a good family, and who wanted to have sex.  I hung in there for around 4 or 5 years after discovery purely because of all the good things.  We had fun, good friends, good times, but when it came down to it there were two main things that I knew I didn't want to deal with for the rest of my life and that was 1) the gay porn and all that came along with it (the hiding it, the lying, the dildos, the naked pics of himself, etc.) and 2) the fact that he gave me herpes.  #2 actually happened years and years earlier, right before we got married.  I let it slide because doctors told me to, believe it or not.  I was told you can't predict when someone contracted it and he could have had it for years.  Fine - but if I had known he was into gay porn when all that happened it would have all made sense and I would never have gone through with the wedding. 

Eventually there just came a point when I was sick of the cycle of catching him in a lie about watching gay porn (you know, the porn that's normal to watch and everyone watches it but he hides it because....who knows why if it's normal), and then making up excuses followed by a few months of either hiding it better or being more covert about it, followed by me finding it again or finding another dildo or finding more naked pictures.  I just got to a point where I had no feelings left for him, neither romantic or sexual.  We were roommates.  And as Kel said, we just did not have a "blast" together.

He remained nice, even through the divorce.  He offered to help me put in the wood floors in my new little house and when he got called away for work at the last minute, he actually paid someone to do it because he didn't want to let me down.  When I had a water leak that ruined those floors a month later, he was the one who ran over at 10 pm to help me sop up the water and start ripping it up (even my own boyfriend didn't do that).  When I couldn't poop and was literally laying on the floor of my apartment, he brought medicine (TMI, sorry ).  Clearly my house and I both have plumbing issues lol.  But you get the point....

He's not a bad guy - never was....but I started to realize that when someone becomes so scared of who they are that they deny it to themselves and hide it from everyone then where do they draw the line?  Clearly it wasn't drawn at the porn, or the sex toys in his rear, or the lying.  So what was the next thing?  I couldn't live with the fact that maybe the next line he couldn't draw would be meeting someone online or in a bathroom because maybe in his head that was justified too?  I truly think he believes everything he convinced himself of.  I don't think he did anything maliciously.  And I wasn't willing to walk that line with him.  Not with my health and not with proof that he had already put my health in jeopardy once.  And so, I finally called it.  Time of death: 10 years after marriage, almost 2 years after moving out, 4 years after the second (real) "discovery", 12 years total of my life, and the entire decade of my 30's. 

I have not found my "Mr. Right" yet.  I've dated some nice guys, spent some alone time, had good days and bad.  There are days where I'd still like to punch him square in the head for all the shit he's caused including ripping up our life.  It's hard to let go of the anger sometimes.  But it's better than the constant wondering that used to be my life. Four years after our divorce and he has yet to admit to anything other than bi-curious.  The only good thing is that it's no longer my concern. 

Last edited by Still Wondering (October 28, 2016 3:08 pm)

Shae wrote:

I want to believe him,but in my heart I know straight men don't do things like this.

You hit the nail on the head, Shae. Straight men not only aren't interested in looking at or being looked at by men, but they are actually repulsed by it.  St8 men are not the LEAST bit curious about what other men have under their clothes. They'd want to take their eyes out with a mellon baller if they accidentally saw something like that.

And no, being depressed doesn't make a man curious about other men's bodies.  That was the excuse he thought up on the fly, and he's hoping that you'll believe it.  Living an inauthentic life can and often does cause depression, though.  He may be depressed and acting out, but both are likely caused by his frustation at not being sexually fulfilled.

They will rarely if ever admit that they're gay.  Or even bi.  They'll say it's normal, that it doesn't mean they're gay or unhappy in their marraige. They'll say it's normal - that all men do it.  They'll say that they also watch st8 porn, so it's not a big deal.  It's.All.Lies.  St8 men don't need excuses for their gay behaviors - because they don't have gay behsviors.

Now, you could go on lock down - insist that he doesn't text or IM or email or chat with others - men OR women. Get his passwords and check often. Have open lines of communucation.  But a) you'll never know if he's just getting better at hiding his actions, and b) if you have to lock somebody down that hard just to get them to be faithful, you should be considering walking away.

You're in the right place.  I'm sorry you need to be here, but welcome.  I'm sorry you're going through this.

Kel

"...we have a renewed sex life that I am somewhat satisfied with.  I am getting used to the porn but I don't find it arousing and this I think is a problem because for now it is how he satisfies that SSA itch.  I do think he will want to find a partner at some point because he has said so.  How will I handle that, I don't know, but I think how I handle it emotionally will determine whether I can stay."

Thank you for sharing Vicky. ​There is alcoholism in my family on my mother's side. My uncle and grandfather were both alcoholics. One of my mother's best friends was also an alcoholic and died from it. For some reason, I am the only person in my family who can say 'alcoholic' when talking about these people. and I now understand why. Saying you are addicted to alcohol is an admission. Saying 'I'm an alcoholic' means accepting we no longer have control, need to address the problem, and that means consequences.

​Turning now the issue of sexuality, the day I finally said "I'm gay" to my mother changed my life. I claimed everything was just fine up until I the very moment had to say "I'm gay." Saying the word "gay" unleashed a torrent of emotion, and tears. There is a passage from a book I love that reads:

"Sometimes, life can feel like Scrabble. You know you’ve got words in there somewhere, but no matter how many times you rearrange the letters, you can’t seem to make sense of the jumble. Then you glance up at the person you’re playing with and see them looking at you, and it’s as if by simply being in your life, they’ve introduced you to yourself. And you look back down at your letters and everything you couldn’t see before clicks into place, explained, decoded."

​You have so bravely described the end of my marriage to a straight woman: friendly; comfortable; sexless; and completely without passion. Yes we could have incorporated gay porn into our non-existent sex life. Yes we could have even incorporated sex toys in the bedroom as well. But what would she have gotten out of yet another accommodation? This is why I worry about wives accepting mixed orientation marriages. Let's be frank. This is why I'm worried about women staying with gay men. 

There is something called "lite beer syndrome." Alcoholics think they don't have a problem because they drink lite beer, or only drink on weekends, or whatever other rationalizations they create. I didn't think I was gay because I only watched gay porn. This is absurd but I believed it at the time. I was, in essence, "gay lite." But porn eventually led to escorts, then hook ups, and then (finally) acceptance. I am gay and nothing my (then) wife could do would change that. The truth remains that I am a gay man with ZERO attraction to women. My attraction is to men. Once I accepted this, I also accepted the inevitability of separation, divorce, and starting over. 

​Given what you and others have so courageously shared here, I believe we're all on similar paths. We're on a journey towards honesty, acceptance, and love. What you described in your first post reminded me that terms like "SSA" are simply milestones along the way. What I wanted to share is that I admire your strength and the strength of all straight spouses who are so supportive of their gay spouses. 

Wow. Thank you for your replies.  I can't help but think I am enabling him to continue thinking he is straight.  He appears to not think there is anything gay about the things he does or wants he seems to think these things are quite normal...and they are for a bi/gay man.  We do have a lot of laughs together and generally are happy and best friends it's just this pesky gay thing. LOL.

I know what I know and I can't unknow it.  Yet i still don't call him gay I can't seem to accept that myself. I can tell his attraction to me isn't the same but he does say and act like he is attracted to me.  It's not a sexless relationship but I do have my doubts as to whether I am enough for him. And him for me.  I do care about him and I am sticking around to see where this goes.  I almost feel like I need to help him accept it.  But I'm not challenging him on it so he's content to be straight with a side of gayness. So in a way I am enabling him to keep denying it.  When what I really want him to do is own up to it and figure out how he feels.  I don't want to trap a gay man into a straight relationship and call it bisexual but I don't want to end a good relationship if he really is bisexual. So I'm in limbo.  I can't figure out how to crack him open other than let him have a sexual relationship with a man.

And I hear you JK...mine likes hot guys and it kills me a little when he comments on them.  We had a male lap dance and seeing him enjoy himself repeats in my head like I have PTSD. 

Vicky