Julian_Stone wrote:

Upside wrote:

In many cases, an affair may already be occurring, with the timeline acting as retroactive absolution for their actions. Be careful and vigilant. I say this not to scare you, but as a friend who wants you to be safe.

This was my gut reaction, too. The arbitrary timeline is such a strange detail. I stumbled across a quote once...something along the lines of "If your partner asks for an open relationship, there's a good chance you're already in one."  

You will always be enough for the right person.

I was thinking the same thing... he may already have someone on the side or he may at least have someone in mind. He’s asking for a boyfriend. That’s one very specific person. He’s not asking to explore with random people. One’s not better than the other, just listing it out for clarity. I’m so sorry you find yourself here. I’d suggest getting finding yourself a therapist that specializes in relationship trauma. 

Tangled 
 

Thank you all for your responses, there was a lot of good advice in there and some things I hadn't even thought of.  I don't have any close friends, I have trust issues - I do have a coworker that I talk to about some of the issues my husband and I are having but I'm reluctant to get her this involved in the issues.  She knows he's bi, but not that he wants a third person in the relationship. He knows I don't want someone else in the relationship, and he knows I want everything to stay the way it is.  The problem is he doesn't like the answer so it has gone from a question to a statement.  The problem is he has severe depression that manifests itself in many ways, one being anger.  When something is bothering him he becomes very childish and angry but he can't associate the two, I just recently figured it out.  So, I can tell him NO but my life is going to be so miserable when his depression kicks in again and he acts like an ass. On another note, I really appreciated everyones words.  My whole life I have been a people pleaser, Im the one who compromises and secedes to make someone else happy.  To know that I can just say no, and Im not being unreasonable or unfair is a really nice feeling.  This whole time I have felt like I was being unfair, that he didn't choose this life and I needed to be more understanding.  But then, I feel like I have been more understanding than many other spouses might have been.  As for the timeline he gave me, it just happened to be the day after our 2 year anniversary.  I don't think there was any rhyme or reason to it other than it was a date he could somewhat remember. Upside & Julian_Stone, this what was I had never even though of - an affair already in progress.  We do have an issue with a woman he used to work with who has huge boundary issues.  I told my husband he needed to talk to her and tell her the way she was acting towards him was inappropriate, he was married and that she needed to stop.  Her reply was "the fact that you're married just makes it more of a challenge" I didn't hear anything about her for almost a year and then a few months ago her name starting coming up again, she was showing up on his Facebook and then I would check his phone every now and then and found a conversation between them where he told her that he had a dream about her and that he wished he had taken his chance with her when he had it.  That just destroyed me. I didn't say anything though bc he would talk his way out of it.  Then a few weeks ago I went through his phone and noticed her text messages were gone, so I went through his FB messenger and found they had moved their conversations there.  Not only that but she keeps taunting him saying that she "owned" him now.  Also, he's been calling her late at night while he's at work through FB messenger (I didn't even know that was a thing).  Then we were at his moms house a few weeks back BBQ'ing and his mom invited a guy over who works with her and my husband used to work with both of them.  When he was invited over he asked if my husbands wife was gonna be there?  Then when he arrived he looked scared to death of me.  Obviously I knew something wasn't right, but until you guys said he may already be having an affair, it didn't really occur to me. My husband had a couple of boyfriends/sexual experiences in high school and one of the guys broke my husbands heart...and now has possibly reappeared.  He contacted a mutual friend.  He promised he wouldn't talk to him but I don't believe he will hold true to that, if he hasn't broken it already.  Our sex life has slowed down considerably.  We used to have some kind of sex every day/every other day and since the last time he brought up having a boyfriend we have had some sort of intimacy three times (in a 3 week period). Also, I'm sorry if this is TMI but he has always had trouble finishing because of the depression medication but the last couple times we've been intimate he has been able to finish.  I wish I could just cry through a conversation with him but I can't, we've tried.  I cry so hard and I can't stop it so I can't get any words out, which is why I decided to do the letter.  Plus, conversing with him is not going to do anything - he acts very immature sometimes and holds back so he won't say anything back to me and then I'll get frustrated because Im in a one way conversation and cry more. Im a disaster, but I have always been that way. 

Last edited by Queenpin (February 20, 2021 2:06 pm)

You're not a disaster. You're not crazy. You're reacting like anyone would in this situation. The crying is a healthy reaction. I'll be honest: This relationship sounds extremely toxic...and I have zero doubt that if you left it, you'd get to a much better place. It's going to take a lot of self-love and continued therapy...new hobbies, new friends, a place of your own...and time. But, god, you deserve so much better than what you're dealing with right now. Marriage should never be this painful. Keep posting. We've got your back here. 

Queenpin:

I'm sorry you are going through this.  Just a few thoughts:

Your husband is asking you to accept something that was unacceptable to both of you (or so you thought) when you married him.  You both agreed to a monogamous relationship.  Why should you be the one forced to move your boundaries and accept him having a boyfriend?  Why can't he stay within the boundaries you agreed upon?  The self-centeredness of the non-straight spouse is pretty typical.

I don't believe that sexual orientation changes.  My ex-wife had a secret affair for a year with the skank down the street.  Together 20 years, married 15, 3 kids.  When I blew the cover the affair, my ex-wife tried on every sexual orientation label I had ever heard: "bi", "fluid", "pansexual", "straight", "DON'T LABEL ME!".  It was mind numbing.  One night, my ex-wife confessed that she knew about her same-sex attraction for "at least 20 years".  BOOM.  I suggest that your husband tried to pass as "bi" but is actually "gay".  Why else does he need a boyfriend so damn badly?

Get an STD test.  Now.

You seem very self-aware of your tendency to compromise, to keep the peace and to not be able to stand up for yourself. Even apart from what your spouse's sexual orientation is his depression and need for control will leave you in a marriage relationship where you cannot have the support you need to heal from your past traumas. And likely it will create new ones.

You do not have years invested in this marriage and their are no children. Perhaps the best thing for you would be to walk away from this relationship and focus on your own mental health, then in the future you will be in a better position to stand up for yourself.

What he is asking of you is too much, plus there are all sorts of flashing red lights going off in what you have discovered.