Ever since I found out that my husband had been having sex with men our entire relationship until May, 2019, we’ve been trying to reconcile. We’ve been doing this through books (after the affair-type, communication, and others similar), online forums (I started with ‘surviving infidelity’ before I found anything on same-sex), online articles, therapists, talking, etc.

I ordered a lot of books. Some of them were strictly on how the cheater is to ‘repair’ the relationship after what they have done. Most of the suggestions have to do with how to treat the betrayed spouse, and rightly so. Surviving Infidelity is a lot about this, too..; This site is, too......  In other words, I’ve been spending the last 1 1/2 years asking my husband to treat me certain ways to help ‘heal’ me. It’s been mostly about me. And, understandably so, after all that. 

BUT, at some point, it needs to be about both of us........He needs some TLC, understanding and love, too. He’s been through a lot, too. Granted, he was the one who caused all the turmoil and did the ‘bad’, but at some point it needs to start evening out. Especially since he’s been trying to make things right since then. He hasn’t always succeeded. His attitude has been the hardest part to keep ‘up’, and it’s caused more problems than anything, so i stay in the “be nicer to me” mode more often than I would like; but it seems so frequently that he goes back down the bad mood hole. And, now that I look at it, my "new" attitude of "be good to me" all the time, and not seeing his needs was partly the cause of his attitude. All I could do was blame him. 

I also want more affection than he gives me. And, I keep mentioning that, too.....while not giving him affection. Here I am telling him "You have to give it to get it", and I'm not giving it.  Other than that and the attitude, he really has done most things really well, and he’s feeling like he’s not getting anywhere with me. I keep hearing “I’m just a disappointment to you”, “It isn’t going to get any better”, “You aren’t ever going to be able to (forgive) me”, and more that shows he is feeling like he can’t do anything right. BTW, he's not the type to be in the self-pity mode.

He’s even said, “You know, I have feelings, too” and things like that. He’s right. I have been mostly thinking about my feelings. All my life, I’ve been empathetic, kind and thoughtful of others.......(I was more humble, too). This has changed me to someone I do not care for so much. I've become more harsh, rigid & have a hairpin trigger. After all, I do love him. That's why we're trying to save our marriage. We love each other, and BOTH of us need to show it, not just him.

I’m changing the way I do things. I’m paying much more attention to him. I’m giving him more affection again. I’m going up to him and hugging him, instead of waiting, expecting him to come to me all the time. And, in turn, his attitude has remained better, he's happier, I'm happier, and it's a lot calmer and closer to being back to normal 😊. 

He’s human with feelings, too. And, he’s been ‘good’ now for 1 1/2 years, as far as not cheating, looking at porn, or anything like that. It’s about time I give him the break he deserves . Maybe those of us whose spouses have been trying, but have a poor background with all of this need a break, too.

Why not? there’s enough strife in this world today. I’m going to do my part in bringing love back into my little corner. (Hope it doesn’t come back and bite me in the butt 😜)

Last edited by SusanneH (February 13, 2021 11:30 am)