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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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February 12, 2021 11:36 am  #1


Update

Hi all. For anyone who’s been following my situation, I just wanted to offer an update. It’s been a whirlwind and we aren’t sure we like our couples counselor but we are making headway. Two biggest issues at hand. Looking at whether my husband is Bisexual or Gay (he still is adamant about being bisexual and having a pendulum but having unmet needs) and whether monogamy is for him (our counselor is pushing us to consider pologamy which neither of us want, we are waiting to see if she changes her tune). So counselor felt a bit off/pushy in the wrong direction for us but the session did lead us to having deeper more honest conversations. Things are looking up in that my husband and I are on the same exact page currently. He has given me full access to his phone, installed life 360, is going to the Dr for ED issues, making counseling appointments for us and talking very VERY openly about EVERYTHING. We have turned our focus towards seeing if certain things in the bedroom will help him quench his thirst but I have also told him I am open to a threesome. Before you freak out, please know that I AM truly and honestly open to a threesome and actually am feeling very sexually empowered right now with our new found intimacy (and I’m talking about it on all levels... The most important being emotional).

I’ve told my husband that if at any point he feels that his desire to be with a man is stronger than being able to handle it in these ways to please be open. I’m mainly looking to see if he’s wanting a love/emotional connection or just sex. Sex we can handle with a threesome, and just being more open and honest. If he’s looking for a complete side relationship (pologamy)...I’m out. We may decide to live with eachother and have separate partners for a short time but that is not sustainable to me for the long run.

The good news is I think I’m through the hardest part. I/we actually know how we want to move forward. Currently it’s with hope that we can figure this out and stay married happily. If I don’t post on here as much for awhile it probably means we’re in a good spot. If shit hits the fan, I’m sure I’ll update you!! At least I know what I am potentially dealing with as far as my future, steps on how to find answers and no more lies for awhile. (Knock on wood)

- Epiphany

 

February 12, 2021 3:11 pm  #2


Re: Update

What is life 360? I am glad that you are feeling better.

 

February 12, 2021 3:49 pm  #3


Re: Update

Hi Gloria. It’s an app that shows location to anyone in your circle. I can see where my husband is at all times and it notifies me when location gets turned off, he’s not connected to WiFi or his battery is low. There are other perks too if you pay and there’s crash detection etc...A lot of parents use it to know where their kids are and make sure they are safe. People may use it to keep tabs on someone (like if trust is broken and it’s agreed it should be earned back), to protect themselves if there’s an accident (you can set it up to dial 911), or to make sure people they love are safe. If trust has been broken, I highly suggest requesting your spouse download it (you download it first and add to your circle/invite people), because if they say their goal is to make the relationship work and earn your trust back, then they understand why it’s necessary. Full disclosure on phones, with location and communication show actions over words. Hope that helps and thank you.

- Epiphany

Last edited by Epiphany (February 12, 2021 3:53 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

February 13, 2021 5:10 pm  #4


Re: Update

Epiphany wrote:

I have also told him I am open to a threesome.

Just make sure the other guy is into women...or else you'll end up like Ross! Haha

I'm much more experienced than my husband (as far as I know, that is!!)....and I half-seriously thought about proposing a threesome in those early days...Not because it was something that particularly excited me as a married person (I have zero desire to see him sexually with anyone else)...But I thought: Well, if he's actually gay...this might help accelerate that revelation...and I wouldn't have to wait 10 more years for that shoe to drop.

Glad you're feeling better. Sounds like you may need a new counselor, though...jeez.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (February 13, 2021 5:12 pm)

 

February 14, 2021 5:26 am  #5


Re: Update

Be very careful is all I have to say, in all ways imaginable.

 

February 14, 2021 7:39 am  #6


Re: Update

Thank you for the information.

 

February 15, 2021 12:19 am  #7


Re: Update

My comments in red

Epiphany wrote:

..........We have turned our focus towards seeing if certain things in the bedroom will help him quench his thirst but I have also told him I am open to a threesome. Been there, done that...for 4 years. it will more likely make him thirst for more......... I AM truly and honestly open to a threesome and actually am feeling very sexually empowered right now with our new found intimacy You're feeling sexually powerful because he has been doing everything you want and you want to do something for him.

Sex we can handle with a threesome, and just being more open and honest. Listen to your instincts carefully and closely. You seem too fragile to be doing this for a man who really wants a man. A 3-some with another man will put fire into your sexual empowerment, and you'll feel.....sexy and wanted. Same happened to me. All the while my partner's desire for male-to-male contact must have simmered & bubbled. He wasn't at all honest with me. That was the start of the end of our sexual r'ship

The good news is I think I’m through the hardest part. .....I can tell you, with all the compassion of a fellow straightspouse that you're not  
I’m sure I’ll update you!! Please come back and post....even if it's going well
- Epiphany

I can't help but be negative about your decision. I apologise, but I see you walking towards a cliff. I stood on the edge myself
Remember we're all here for you

Elle

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 16, 2021 2:46 pm  #8


Re: Update

Epiphany wrote:

(our counselor is pushing us to consider pologamy which neither of us want, we are waiting to see if she changes her tune). So counselor felt a bit off/pushy in the wrong direction for us but the session did lead us to having deeper more honest conversations. 

To me it sounds like it's not the counselor who needs to change her tune.  It sounds like you need to change your counselor.

After spilling my guts to my first therapist at my first session, my therapist stared at me for a few seconds and asked whether I would be willing to pursue a polyamorous relationship.  It's like, dude, I'm in here crying, sad and upset that I've discovered that my wife is not who I thought she was, that I don't like her having a girlfriend, I don't like her adultery, and I am mad at how I've been treated.  Now, you're suggesting that a solution is for me to accommodate her behavior by moving my boundaries on what's acceptable to me?  I walked out and never saw him again.

I think some of these counselors try to live a swinging, sexually adventurous life vicariously through their clients.

 

February 16, 2021 3:02 pm  #9


Re: Update

Hi guys. So I did switch counselors. For the exact reason stated above about crying and being in pain just to be asked if I’d accept a Poly relationship. I’ve also decided we just need to take this much slower. I will not be jumping into bed with him and another guy UNLESS our own intimacy has truly returned and we are at a complete place of healing. The counselor I’ve chosen focuses on trauma healing to people like us who have been shocked by a spouses secret sexual life. She also specializes in sex addiction. I made it clear to her that my husband is Bisexual so the situation is tricky. I do think she’ll be able to explain to him the un-healthiness of his actions for himself and our relationship. I’m not going to lie. I’m petrified that the truth is just that his sexual orientation has changed from Bisexual to gay, or is beginning to but I’ve decided no matter what we need more time. I’ve been in such an unhealthy mental space, I cannot even deal with life right now. I slept 1 full night in a month and a half. I think my heart is slowly catching up to what my mind already knows but in order to save my soul I just need us to slow down. I’m pretty sure I’ll know by this summer which way this is headed. Those of you who have advised to take it slow know what you’re talking about! This is 21 years of love and we always thought we’d get through anything because we were meant to be. It’s just so sad. His sexual identity just may be changing and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it

     Thread Starter
 

February 16, 2021 3:12 pm  #10


Re: Update

Blue Bear wrote:

Epiphany wrote:

(our counselor is pushing us to consider pologamy which neither of us want, we are waiting to see if she changes her tune). So counselor felt a bit off/pushy in the wrong direction for us but the session did lead us to having deeper more honest conversations. 

I think some of these counselors try to live a swinging, sexually adventurous life vicariously through their clients.

Now that is an interesting theory. 
I just think most counselors aren't equipped to deal with this. I was amazed by how little research on "the straight spouse experience" is available. Many here have had more success with therapists who specialize in trauma, it seems. 

 

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