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February 12, 2021 12:37 am  #1

I just want the truth

My husband disclosed in May 2020 that he was questioning his gender identity and sexuality. He has struggled with debilitating depression, suicidal thoughts and anxiety his whole life. He was raised in a very religious and conservative home where he was expected to play sports, hunt and fish. He didn't like any of those things. He mostly read books and played by himself. He was bullied a lot and turned inward. He remembers playing dress up with his sister at 6 or 7 yrs old and feeling very good. Then his dad came in and yelled at him to changed. He learned to hide after that. He had an experience in his teens where he wanted to have sex with a male friend. He said he never acted on it. He only had one sexual relationship before we met and it was traumatic for him. According to him, he was a rebound and she quickly got back together with her ex after a few months of dating. He had very low self esteem. Our relationship moved quickly. within a year we were engaged and married soon after and I got pregnant right away. We have been married for 12 years and have an 11 year old son. He has always been the most kind, loyal and generous person I've ever met. He is respectful, never raises his voice to me or our son. He is incredibly patient and understanding. So when he told me he was questioning his gender identity and sexuality, my first reaction was relief that he had found a reason for his anxiety and depression. Surely the repressed feelings were causing it. We are very codependent, so I found him support groups, a therapist, a therapist that specializes in gender identity and sexuality, books and support groups. He started seeing the therapist after I asked several times for him to make an appointment. He didint use any of the other resources. He experimented with women's clothing and make up. He said it "felt good". He got a wig and rubber boobs to fill in a bra. He wanted to were women's lingerie while we had sex. He wanted me to do sexual things to him that I did not enjoy. I was not attracted to him while any of this was happening. I remember the exact moment when I looked at him and knew he would never be the same man I married 11 years before. My heart shattered and I spiraled into a mental breakdown. I had to seek treatment and I missed some work. My therapist helped me through the worst of it and we started marriage counseling. I went from sad to very angry. I wanted him to tell me exactly what his gender identity and sexuality was, immediately. He said he didn't know exactly. He said he resented me for not being happy for him and supporting whatever he decided. I told him I wasn't attracted to him when he looked or acted feminine. I said we should separate while he figures it out. The stress was crushing. I cried all the time and didn't sleep well. My therapist worked very diligently to help me understand that I would be ok, no matter what happened. It took several months to begin to believe that. How can I be ok without my soulmate? Our lives are so entwined and we are hopelesly codependent. He said in our last marriage counseling session that my love for him is conditional to how he presents. He has to look and act masculine for me to love him. I explained that I love him unconditionally but I'm not attracted to feminine and don't want to be married to a non binary or trans woman. I can't help what I'm attracted to, just like him. I told him we should separate so he could explore his gender identity and sexuality. He said no, he would just stop any changes and go back to before. I agreed because I'm scared and its the easy way. After he said the conditional love thing last week I became sure we had to divorce. I won't allow him to sacrifice himself for our marriage. And I won't sacrifice my needs to accommodate his.the problem is  neither of us knows who we are apart. I know that the right choice is to separate and eventually divorce. I don't know how I will afford a place on my own and divide our entire life together. Its enough to make me have a major panic attack just thinking about it. I know I just have to make the decision and go one step at a time. Its really rough though and I'm struggling. Thanks for listening


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