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- AuroraMoon
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Re: What do I do? Please help
Lily what you said about a man validating his womanness has me shook. I have thought about him being with men, but every time it happens I shudder and have to push the thought away. So often I have felt like there is something wrong with me. Like, I'm the reason he can't keep an erection or ejaculate. That somehow I've changed so he isn't attracted to me like he used to be (not possible, I am hotter than ever) lol. You're right when you say the two statements don't add up. If he loves me "unconditionally" then he should accept me the way I am. As i have always been. Only attracted to masculine men. Thank you for your insight Lily
- AuroraMoon
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Re: What do I do? Please help
Outofhiscloset, my husband also realized he couldn't pass and that made him very depressed. Like, if he couldn't be the vision of a woman in his mind then he couldn't be happy. I don't want to be married to a man that cannot be happy either way. I want someone who knows who they are and has a positive view of life. This dark cloud has been over my husband for years and I want someone I can share my light with. I've been his caretaker and now I want to be a partner.
Like you said, my husband can not give me any certainty either. Our marriage counselor explained that there would need to be open communication, but he has completely shut down. He says he doesn't feel safe to share. I can understand that, but he is only pushing me further away. I've gotten to the point where I need to get the answers about what my future holds for myself.
Also when you said you felt like you owed to him to stay. I take my wedding vows very seriously. Like everyone, I thought we would never divorce. I always felt like our marriage was unshakable. We had already weathered many storms and become closer for it. But I can see now he has been stuck and I have been growing beyond him. I have done so much work to get my mental health where it is today. I'm thankful I have because leaving him we test every bit of it.
I hope I find unexpected kindness and support as you did. All I see is uncertainty and loneliness right now. Thank you for being a source of kindness and support to me.
Last edited by AuroraMoon (February 13, 2021 9:56 am)
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: What do I do? Please help
I reached a similar conclusion about not wanting to be married to a man who couldn't be "happy either way." My ex wasn't happy as a man, and he wouldn't have been happy as the transwoman he could have become, either, and not just because he wouldn't look the way he wanted to (what woman does, by the way) but because he would always know he was male. I could see how his drive to gender everything--all qualities and behaviors--was a way for him to tamp down that knowledge, because if he could perform femininity as well as or better than I could, or other women could, he could make himself feel better, more "woman," and I knew that was a pattern he would never be free of. Also, when we had finally reached the stage of divorce, my now-ex said something like your husband's saying he doesn't feel "safe to share." "Our problem was communication," he said, "but I didn't feel like I could talk to you," which was a way to let himself off the hook and place the blame on me.
Getting a therapist just for myself was very helpful to me.
- lily
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Re: What do I do? Please help
I saw a story on the telly (Back Roads, ABC) it was about a group of Tiwi Islanders - one described himself as a woman trapped in a mans body and they were all nodding their heads. You know, you look at the footage and what you see is a bunch of islanders, all men, they look quite normal, they are all a little bit overweight and youngish, around the same age. maybe 8 or 10 of them. The final scene of this group was on the beach and they are chatting and kinda dancing a bit as they walk along and you know what - feminine. They were far enough away all you saw was the way they physically moved and interacted as a group - feminine. Girly, giggly, leaning in. No wigs, no dressing up, no nail polish. These people have only just got the internet, gender reassignment surgery is a long way away.
So the thing that struck me was this is convictive - there in the convictive level of their brains they think, they are certain, there is no question, they know they are females, and this is stable, it doesn't change over their lifetime. Their inside doesn't match their outside in as profound a way as it can get. And no way to fix it. I do not believe wigs high heels chemical and surgical intervention are going to make them happy. Yes the sadness was there. They took comfort in each other's company. I think that is their best medicine - being themselves, expressing all that feminine energy and finding each other. Talking with each other.
The thing that has struck me often in our stories, both gay/bisexual and the transgenders is the way these males compete with us to be the better woman. It's not just that you don't get the support of a straight husband, you're being put down too.
Yes really, how pissy to say ooh I don't feel safe to be open with you - it's just mean talk!
- Leslie77
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Re: What do I do? Please help
AuroraMoon,
My life experience was similar. We were married for 10 years when he decided he had to pursue an "alternative lifestyle", which included dressing as a woman and going to drag queen shows and other LGBTQ events. We went to a couples counselor who told us this was fine as long as I was okay with it. I wasn't. He ultimately told me he had sexual desires for men. We're divorced now.
Part of my revulsion was being in a marriage where my partner was acting out his strange perceptions of what it meant to look and act like a woman. I felt like I was being robbed of one of the few things that was truly mine - my femininity.
Like you, I never thought I would get divorced. Also, my husband completely shut down in communication, preferring to go to his new gay friends for comfort and advice. I am so sorry for you to have to go through this.
A therapist recently told me - You can't be in a successful relationship with someone who doesn't even know who he is. My husband told me that his identity/sexual feelings were new to him, but I was certain that was a lie. Successful relationships aren't based on dishonesty.
I'm slowly healing now. This week is the one year anniversary that I moved out and I feel like old wounds are being reopened as I remember what I went through to finally make the decision to leave. It was the right decision for me. I'm finally feeling some peace in my life. I wish the same for you, whatever you decide to do.