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February 11, 2021 8:10 pm  #1


What do I do? Please help

My husband came out to me as possibly transgender or non binary and bisexual last year. I told him I was open to him exploring his gender identity and sexuality and I would let him know if I felt uncomfortable. He started dressing in feminine clothes and wearing make up at home. We tried a few things in the bedroom as well (can I say that here? Sorry if not) I didn't like it at all and wasn't attracted to him when he looked or acted feminine. I told him we should separate so he could explore that part of himself. I know what I'm attracted to and that is not it. He said that our marriage is more important than exploring that. I agreed to stay. I feel that he is sacrificing himself so we can stay together. It doesn't feel right. In marriage counseling he said my love is conditional. That I only love him If he presents a certain way. I told him my love is not conditional. I love him no matter what he looks or acts like. I'm just not attracted to that and I don't want to be married to someone feminine. He says he still does not want a divorce. I don't see any other option. Please help.

 

February 11, 2021 9:45 pm  #2


Re: What do I do? Please help

AuroraMoon wrote:

My husband came out to me as possibly transgender or non binary and bisexual last year........

 

Welcome to our Forum Aurora.......along with our husbands/wives, partners, boyfriends/girlfriends we straightspouses get to learn about and explore who we are too. One of my own important lessons was not to focus on my partner so much as put my own feelings and emotions first....before his. I'm much stronger for it.

Please read the First Aid thread that is pinned at the top of the General Board, and know we're here to help & answer questions. It's a hard and sometimes long road and you'll have help/advice from the Forum

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 12, 2021 9:22 am  #3


Re: What do I do? Please help

Thank you. The first aid thread was helpful

     Thread Starter
 

February 12, 2021 9:39 am  #4


Re: What do I do? Please help

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please post whatever you need to. I am very careful about what I post. I will not judge you or tell you what to do. I will listen.

 

February 12, 2021 7:26 pm  #5


Re: What do I do? Please help

I will be more careful. Thank you, Gloria

     Thread Starter
 

February 12, 2021 9:02 pm  #6


Re: What do I do? Please help

Sorry you need to be here.  Full disclosure: I am the ex-wife of a man who declared he was transgender, and who initially wanted to transition but decided to stay in the closet.  Like you, I loved my husband and wanted to accommodate him.  I, too, tried "a few things" in the bedroom.  Like you, I was not, ultimately, comfortable with my new role and his new persona.  In fact, I felt as if I were a prop in his play, merely an instrument he could use to achieve his goal of pretending he was a woman.  My ex used a subtle pressure campaign, including manipulation, to attempt to get me to accept behavior that made me uncomfortable.  From my perspective, it appears to me as if your husband's declaration that you "only love him if he presents a certain way" is very similar to the kind of pressure campaign waged by my ex.  In asserting what he has, he is trying to put you into the position of showing it's not true by going along with what he wants.  
   ​   
    Early on after my now-ex's disclosure, he issued this ultimatum to me: "We have a future together to the extent you can enjoy me as a woman."  Because I loved him, I tried.  I even for a while convinced myself I could--and did--"enjoy" it.  But the more I "accepted," the more he demanded, and the more he acted out, the more I understood of his ideas of woman, the less I liked it.  In fact, if before we'd married I'd known about his desire to be a woman, I would never have stayed in a relationship with him.  

   This is a tough and difficult situation you're in, because what he wants and what you want are fundamentally opposed--he wants to act in a feminine manner and for you to accommodate and even enjoy it.  You don't enjoy it and aren't attracted to it.   I don't know how you reconcile that. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 13, 2021 6:25 am)

 

February 12, 2021 9:33 pm  #7


Re: What do I do? Please help

Outofhiscloset thank you so much for your reply. You are the first person I've talked to who has been through this. 100%, like you said, I would not have kept seeing my husband if I had known his secrets when we were dating.
    Maybe it's wrong but I feel betrayed by him and I was angry for a while. What you said about his "pressure campaign" is a lightbulb moment. I felt sorry for him that he feels that way and I thought I should stay with him no matter what. But I can't live in this limbo while he "figures it out". And I can't live with him going back in the closet. The cats out of the bag, so to speak.
     It don't think it can be reconciled, so now I have to find the strength to leave and start over. I feel like I'm about to walk off a cliff. Please pray for me

     Thread Starter
 

February 12, 2021 9:52 pm  #8


Re: What do I do? Please help

yes really - those two statements don't add up.  on the one hand the marriage is more important than his exploration and on the other hand you aren't loving him enough if you don't let him explore.

Why on earth would you like him being feminine?  of course it's a turn off.  why isn't that a priority for him if he's so in love with you.

Sorry, but I am guessing he is not sacrificing himself.  I am guessing he will want a man to validate his womanness.  And I am guessing it will all cost a fair bit.

 

February 12, 2021 10:45 pm  #9


Re: What do I do? Please help

"Limbo" is the perfect word for the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" aspect of living with someone who is not sure where he'll end up and what he'll end up wanting.  My ex started off wanting the whole kit and kaboodle, to have his testicles removed and to take hormones, and to "transition," but then, as he realized that he would not pass as a woman, and that seeing himself when wearing women's clothes made him more aware that he was male (because, as he put it, "I look like a man in a dress"), drawing back, but, at the same time, telling me that he could not predict what he might want to do in the future.  He could give me no certainty, which made it imperative he work hard to communicate with me about what he was feeling so I could make an informed decision about my choices--but he didn't.  He clammed up, said he wished he'd "never told anyone" (he had also told his sister and a former student of ours).  The cat was, definitely, out of the bag, but as far as I was concerned, it was the elephant in the room he'd tried to sweep under the rug.  

 I'm glad what I said led you to an a-ha moment about the subtle manipulation/pressure your husband is attempting to exert.  I found that when I stated my feelings or set a boundary about what was acceptable to me, my husband's response was one of the following: anger; accusations that I was "attacking him"; manipulation (he once said to me, about extending his dressing outside the bedroom, "I thought I could get you used to it"), or just plain ignoring my boundary.  
 
  Finding the strength to leave is not easy, as I know.  Divorcing my husband was the most difficult thing I've done in my life.  It took me three years from disclosure to my moving out.  And yes, part of what made it difficult was my perception that I owed it to him to stay "no matter what."  It helped me to realize that although we may love someone, that love can be damaging to us.  What my husband wanted from me went against my values and my self (I could not remake myself into a "lesbian," or, more to the point, see him as a woman), and the life I was facing as the spouse of a closeted man who really wanted to live as a woman but didn't feel he could do so was not acceptable to me.  I will say this, however: it's now been three years since I moved out, and I have never regretted having done so.  I did it, and got through it.  My life now is good.  You can do it and get through it; many of us here have.  Before I left, I could see only the unknown and uncertainties, but I was surprised by how many people showed me unexpected kindness and support.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 12, 2021 10:57 pm)

 

February 13, 2021 6:31 am  #10


Re: What do I do? Please help

AuroraMoon,
    Below are  links to other resources you might find helpful.  One is a collection of women's stories and the other a blog for women who are married to men like your husband (and my ex).

Here's the blog thread (part of Mumsnet).  This is a link to the most current postings.  Once you get there, you will find links to three earlier collections.  
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope?msgid=96172775#96172775

Here is a link to a site created by the woman who started the blog thread; it collects our stories.
https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

The woman responsible for both resources is also featured on a podcast here at the SSN.

 

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