OOHC,

I see it differently I suppose. That’s okay. We can have different views. I do think I straddle the middle although there probably is some truth in saying I probably love monogamy ever so slightly more. When we were getting married I thought something along the lines of ... I have my one and only, no longer have to fear the possibility of STIs, I was very focused on monogamy and honestly still am. Believe me, I’ve given all of this a lot of thought and these are MY views and they are helpful to me in understanding myself. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (February 8, 2021 2:22 pm)

TangledOil wrote:

I’m currently in communication with a couple that opened their marriage after 20 years together. The husband is bi and the wife is straight. He was always honest with his wife and never cheated. She’s known about his bi-desires the entire time. She supported him in conversion therapy for many years. Obviously it didn’t work because conversion therapy doesn’t work. They opened their marriage a couple years ago. He says it isn’t easy... it hasn’t been easy especially for his wife. They both have individual therapists and also a couples therapist. He said he never wanted for their life to be like this... this complicated, but the reason it’s working so far is that his wife loves him more than she loves monogamy. 🤔 I thought that was rather profound, but I can also say most straight wives probably love monogamy more than they love their husbands. 

This sounds like a horrible, emotionally abusive marriage. I'd rather be single for life. If the husband claims to be attracted to both sexes....why put her through this misery...knowing how much it hurts her? She is one of the genders he is supposedly attracted to. It doesn't make sense to me (unless he's actually gay). Marriage should never be this complicated or painful. 

 

Julian, 

The wife is choosing this... she is choosing to stay. She’s known her husband’s struggles their entire relationship and she wants to remain in the marriage. They have many rules in place and it seems to be working well for both at this point. She can also date others and had done so, but at this time she isn’t dating anyone. She doesn’t feel the need. She knows exactly where her husband is at all times. There’s no sneaking around. She doesn’t feel like she’s in a bad situation at all so that’s probably helpful in them continuing on. Apparently he’s bisexual/biromantic which is valid although most older bi men consider themselves bisexual/heteromantic. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (February 8, 2021 3:39 pm)

Their account is that It’s working well for both. The boundaries they’ve agreed to are being followed. They both are getting a double dose of therapy to manage it all. Right, this isn’t the life either of them hoped for certainly. Religion specifically has not been mentioned, but maybe you’re correct because of the conversion therapy.  

It’s certainly not my ideal, but I’m glad they are happy enough with their arrangement. 

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Chump Lady has an excellent column today about "opening the marriage."  UXWorld's second comment is gold.  

Link for those who haven't discovered Chump Lady yet

UBT: Opening the Marriage to Save the Marriage?

“My husband told me he needed to be non-monogamous to feel whole. He said he was sincerely sorry for what he had done, and claimed he could be monogamous now, but would not be truly happy if he was.”

UBT: He’s saying: “After 16+ years of saying I’m ‘this,’ I now declare that I am ‘that.’ And if you refuse to allow me to be ‘that,’ it’s your fault if the marriage fails.”

Is this the one, OOHC?