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January 28, 2021 8:17 pm  #1


Just a rant

My decisions....the decisive and the unclear

I'm nearly 4 weeks into my 6 week holiday to visit relatives and my children. I've had time to think without my partner around and I realise how lucky I am to be able to do this....
I've told him I will never have sex again, he seems to have accepted my decision but sometimes I feel guilty about my comfort in that decision....because he has reason now to fulfill his needs with others, and I'm not sure how long I could stand that. That's the bit I'm having trouble with. I know I'm holding him back but he doesn't/won't talk about it ( I've said before on the Forum.....I want him to be the one who starts a conversation. My life is easy, he doesn't seem to mind there's no sex and just won't talk about it.

Am I wrong? Am I a scheming witch just staying with him for my own advantage? It's going to be so simple to slot back in to our normal life....talking, walking, shopping, gardening.

I don't want to be in a MOM....it makes me angry to think about it. He said he'd stuff those feelings down, and maybe if I was having a sexlife...he would. But......!@#$%^&

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 28, 2021 9:53 pm  #2


Re: Just a rant

Remind me... what was the reason for deciding to never have sex again? Is it to never have sex with your husband again or just never with anyone? Why does he have to be the one to start the conversation? Do you think he’ll have a conversation on the topic if you bring it up? I think things would have to be pretty damn miserable for me to make a decision like that, and if they were that miserable I’d probably have my husband out the door. 

 

January 28, 2021 11:02 pm  #3


Re: Just a rant

TangledOil wrote:

Remind me... what was the reason for deciding to never have sex again? Is it to never have sex with your husband again or just never with anyone? ....... 

At the time, in the moment I meant everyone. I felt...still feel....dull, ugly, unattractive and I don't want to give of myself while I feel this low...to anyone. I have to work through this without the distraction of him wanting me physically. 

Your miserable* Tangled is probably different to mine because you come from a MOM and looking to work on your marriage because that's what you've decided you want, whereas I am trying to figure out what *I* want, how *I* feel. 
You and I are worlds apart

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
     Thread Starter
 

January 28, 2021 11:45 pm  #4


Re: Just a rant

Yes, I’d imagine it’s different if you’re not sure how you really want to proceed. I’m glad you have this time away to think about things and gain some clarity. When you really start to focus on yourself, your total well being, perhaps how you should proceed will be clearer to you. I think my husband was suffering from a mental breakdown when he came out to me. He was 100% certain I’d immediately ask for a divorce. He still says he’d understand if I asked for a divorce even though we’re doing very well. He recognizes how a straight may find this whole bi thing bizarre. I’ve known all along though that he wasn’t quite straight. It never bothered me as long as no other people are in our relationship. He’s a really good person, husband, father, provider, friend, etc... most days we both feel very lucky. My husband and I are actively planning for our future together. We have decided to take on a huge project that will be very exciting and occupy much of our free time over the next half year at least. 

 

January 29, 2021 8:48 am  #5


Re: Just a rant

Im probably not needed in this thread but I figure rants  get replies..    working title "the conversation"..

My situation was  different also... my GX was actively cheating and destroying the marriage.  There was no conversation ... she unilaterally decided what she wanted. But she claimed in one argument that she had given me a year.. it was unbeknownst to me I was on any sort of probation.   Apparently, privately, she had been deciding for some time.     The argument implied I was supposed to have changed in some
way and her affair and wanting to leave was my fault.    But to this day I stand by my actions... I could not have loved here anymore...I could not have given anymore affection.  I had nothing left to give..nothing left to change.     In that regard,  knowing I was somehow on this probation would have been a good conversation to have with me... she basically acted like I was even more a loser because I could not figure out I was on this "secret probation" ..her affair therefore was moral and justified.   My tears and pleading I would do anything for her did not matter...she had "decided".       

Elle,  if you've had the conversation and your husband is aware...then I think thats all you can do.    I'll never know what goes through the mind of  a non straight spouse but if  you have the conversation with him again for good measure and he's not pleading and begging you ..not making any effort....  I think that tells you all you need to know.

Oh and your not dull, ugly and unattractive.. I think that is something these spouse inflict on us directly or subtly over the years.    My GX made me feel like I was garbage...that no one would ever want me.   Another of her lies...totally opposite of the truth.       

We can and should rant away... but know that they are not in therapy or ranting on a support board...
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

January 29, 2021 9:37 am  #6


Re: Just a rant

Elle, it sounds like you had made your mind up and both knew what you were ok and not ok with. I’d have the convo with him again just to see if he’s still ok if you are still worried about his feelings. My husband and I had our first consultation with what will be our counselor moving forward yesterday. I was able to give her very definite answers as to what my boundaries were...I want to be truly desired again, will he ever provide that? I want monogamy, does he too? I want honesty. I’m ok with bringing it into the bedroom but not him having side relationships etc.... but when she asked him questions for example “do you want a monogamous relationship” he paused, “well I know I need to be monogamous for our marriage to work”. I brought this to his attention later. He seems to think the counselor should be able to TELL us what to do. I said no, she’s trying to draw your truth out, you need to stop answering questions because you know that’s what I want to hear and start answering them for you. I k ow he’s torn cause he loves me and wants us to work but he probably needs counseling on his own to figure out his sexual orientation and what he wants to do about that in regards to our marriage and life. I say, if your husband is confident with his choice to stay celibate in your marriage then let him own that choice but if you revisit the conversation and he’s changed his mind, how do you move forward? There is so much more to marriage and that’s why this sucks so much. Our marriage is so
good  in every other aspect, our souls connect on a deep level and we almost NEED eachother. This is one of the craziest most complicated problems for anyone to have to navigate through.

Rob..,I can’t stop laughing at the unbeknownst to me I was on probation 😂,

To everyone in this situation...the part about feeling ugly and  unattractive is REAL. I keep wondering if I were 20 pounds lighter would he want me? My friends tell me I’m beautiful, I’ve had some compliments over the years but do men find me sexy? Or am I all washed up at 41? It’s a hard feeling to beat. Every time I try to start working out, life happens...I have to watch my granddaughter, so and so needs this or that , the holidays come or I find out my husband is having cybersex with men, lol. I do need to force the time and make myself a priority. This giving and giving and giving without ever taking care of myself has to stop now. I’m hoping this all empowers me to finally take those steps.

Best of luck to all!!! Happy Friday!!
- Epiphany

 

January 29, 2021 10:31 am  #7


Re: Just a rant

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

. At the time, in the moment I meant everyone. I felt...still feel....dull, ugly, unattractive and I don't want to give of myself while I feel this low...to anyone. I have to work through this without the distraction of him wanting me physically. 

Let me just say this:  what you want and need is critical.  You aren't getting any of this if you are in a relationship where you feel dull, ugly, unattractive and not physically wanted.  Your partner is draining you if this is how you feel, and that's not healthy.  It's not like you can have a conversation with your partner to explain how you feel, and to try to work on this together.  He's not straight, and he can never deliver what you need in this department.  Never.

Getting into a healthy relationship with a straight person is a game-changer.  Your life is waiting.

 

January 29, 2021 11:52 am  #8


Re: Just a rant

“I know he’s torn cause he loves me and wants us to work but he probably needs counseling on his own to figure out his sexual orientation and what he wants to do about that in regards to our marriage...” 

Hi Epiphany, 

I have read tons in the gay men and bisexual subreddits on Reddit and it seems like many feel figuring out their sexual orientation is a "lifelong journey." It’s almost like they never really know what their sexuality is precisely because of its “fluidity.” I can’t relate to that at all personally. My sexuality has never showed any fluidity. It’s fixed. It seems for some people it just isn’t.  

Last edited by TangledOil (January 29, 2021 12:18 pm)

 

January 29, 2021 12:36 pm  #9


Re: Just a rant

Elle,
    One effect of his stonewalling you with his silence is that he's got you thinking that it's your decision not to have sex with him that's responsible for his seeking out men elsewhere.  That is a subtly managed passive aggressive manipulation on his part.  Have you ever considered that this state of affairs is exactly what he's aiming for?  It suits him very well that you won't have sex with him and he can go out and have sex with men.  I seem to remember that you wrote that on the very first night you were away he was out there looking for it.    
  

 

January 29, 2021 1:40 pm  #10


Re: Just a rant

Tangled, that’s some great insight. When I asked my husband if he thought his preference switched back and forth, he said yes...when I asked if it was leaning more towards men right now...he said yes.

This morning I took a sexuality test and was like 90% straight, 10% gay....I’m assuming because I answered that I find women attractive sometimes, though I’ve never wanted anything...it’s more like an acknowledgment. I sent the test to him and he was 89% Straight 94%Gay....his results = Bisexual and my results = Heterosexual. So I said to him “well I guess it’s pretty accurate considering everything but now you need to decide what you want to do yourself/with us and your life moving forward. He said he wants us. I responded that I do too and I hope he begins to desire me more again. I realize I have to ask myself what I want too. I do believe love is worth fighting for but not at the expense of one’s mental health. He understands I love him but will not accept these conditions anymore. So we will move forward and see if I’m able to help him scratch that itch enough under my terms. Time will tell!!

- Epiphany

 

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