Well, if I go by what my bi husband says about it... none of being bisexual is ideal. He says he wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think my husband (may) have it somewhat easier than other bisexual people because he never experiences a bi-cycle. His interest doesn’t shift back and fourth between men and women. He always has interest in me and an interest in the other occasionally pops up, but it never lessens his interest in me. I don’t think he’s lying about that because we’ve had a very consistent and active sex life for nearly 30 years. Most bisexuals say they wouldn’t trade it in to be straight because they are the few that can know the joy of sex with both a man and a woman. My husband chooses me because we have a long and fantastic history together. If he were to suddenly become single he says he’d probably choose no one. My husband doesn’t feel he’s living an “unauthentic” life by not having sex with men too. He and I both can easily acknowledge his attractions, he doesn’t have to hide them or stuff them down, but he’s monogamous. We can talk about and even joke about so many aspects of all this now. It’s really great... better than I ever expected it could be. Don’t get me wrong... we’ve spent a lot of time talking about numerous possible scenarios and this is what we’ve decided works best for us. 

Just like I'm attracted to others and not acting on it, neither is he. It's not that complicated. We are committed to one another. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (January 20, 2021 5:11 pm)

Yes, they could choose to take their secret to the grave all while having side pieces and believe me some do. Some just never say a word to anyone and don’t act on it either. There are numerous possible scenarios. I’ve known for 30 years. He just didn’t accept it himself. I accepted it before he did. It’s a long story, but I’m glad we’re at this point now. 

Edit... what do you mean by we are at a disadvantage?  I’m not sure I see myself as having a disadvantage at all. I see myself in an advantageous position and my husband does as well. I don’t want to have “the advantage.” I don’t see a need for it at this time, but if the time should come I definitely have the advantage.

Last edited by TangledOil (January 20, 2021 6:13 pm)

Tangled, I remember a post - you said you were cis, straight and felt some attraction towards women, I just went looking for it and I think I might have found it but it has been edited.  No mention of attraction to women any more but you do still describe yourself as demisexual and say you and your husband are at an extreme end of the spectrum.  All of this is fine but it's not the same as where one of the spouses is simply not on that spectrum, is plain old straight.  Yes, my experience and consistent observation is that they are at a disadvantage in the relationship - both the men and the women. 

 

Sorry I wasn't clear...(typing faster than I can think...as usual!). By "disadvantage" I meant vs. being with a straight partner who isn't conflicted about his/her sexuality. 

I'm not trying to argue with you (we're both here for the same reason, after all!)...I love my husband very much, but I won't excuse away the deception. You can empathize with the struggles LGBT people—our spouses—face...but still recognize it's morally wrong to keep such a big secret from the person you marry...and have children with. I minimize it in the sense that I have to...because I made the decision to stay and keep our family together...but I carry the weight of that secret now. 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

My bisexual partner says he can be monogamous (stuff those feelings down....whatever)...but now sex is off the/my table, will that last? I have lost my desire for sex, with ANY man.
Do I trust him, do I put trust in a man who's been dishonest? Who put his own needs before ours

Elle

"Stuff those feelings down..." that is what I mean by "disadvantage." Yes, of course they can be monogamous. Infidelity is always a choice. But, can someone who has to stuff his/her feelings down ever be with us in the same way we are with them? I never had to stuff feelings down...but that is exactly what I imagine most of our partners did for years...until they boiled up to the surface.