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January 19, 2021 6:31 pm  #1


How many just “want” to know the whole story?

At the point of discover and getting half ass answers, how many of you have actually sat down with you stbx and just asked for the whole story bc you want and deserve to know.

I’m contemplating this and even though we are in a divorce and it “doesn’t matter” anymore, shouldn’t I have a right to know the whole story in when my stbx decided he is a bi trans? Apparently I think he’s bi now in his male form but I never knew.

16 years and my mind is just blown! I couldn’t sleep last night just thinking I had the “right” to know!

 

January 19, 2021 7:00 pm  #2


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

Why believe in anything now. Why ask for the truth when I know he kept things secret. Why torture myself but asking, him telling, and me not trusting him to tell the truth.
I'm on a plateau at the moment. Waiting for a certainly within myself... But no.,. I'll never ask my closed-off emotionally, reserved partner anything

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

January 19, 2021 7:08 pm  #3


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

I guess the whole story doesn’t really matter to me at this point although I feel I’ve gotten the whole story. I acknowledge the possibility there may be more I haven’t been told (although I don’t feel that’s the case) and I’m okay with that too. I don’t know how I’d feel if we were divorcing, but I imagine I’d somehow feel differently. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (January 19, 2021 7:08 pm)

 

January 20, 2021 12:53 am  #4


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

I told him once that after loving him unconditionally for more than 15 years, I deserve honesty and respect. I think I've mostly gotten the whole story in regards to the background.  The past tense.  I think where I'm not getting the full story is the present--his current emotional state, his current thoughts, his feelings.  He is struggling to deal with them now, and he won't talk about anything unless it's on his terms.  So maybe I'll never know everything.  I think I've reached a point...where even though I want to know and I know I deserve the full truth...I know I don't need to know more, becuase it's not going to change anything.

Last edited by ThisTooShallPass (January 20, 2021 12:54 am)

 

January 20, 2021 7:16 am  #5


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

Once you know all the details, you can't "unknow them".  I too struggle with those unknown details, but do I really want to have those in my head??  Men are different animals.  Bi-curious men...want both worlds.  One of comfort and stability, with true intimacy, a good front to the family and world.  And then there's the SEX with men.  That's not intimate, not soothing or comforting.  It's just raw. 
What do these men do when they run into each other in public?  Not a hug and kiss, I'm sure.
Do they lean on each other in times of stress?  No, of course not. They need a spouse for that.
Non Gay men who hook up with men just want SEX, not supportive day to day relationships.
The quandary here is how do we live it?  How do we enjoy physical, satisfying sex with a man we know is giving and receiving sex with men?  Is it better with men?  How's that make us feel?  Less? Is there a comparison in their head or do they compartmentalize? 
I want to know, and I don't want to know. 
I wish I wasn't duped into this marriage.  I hate this.
 

 

January 20, 2021 9:17 am  #6


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

foolmeonce wrote:

Non Gay men who hook up with men just want SEX, not supportive day to day relationships.
The quandary here is how do we live it?  How do we enjoy physical, satisfying sex with a man we know is giving and receiving sex with men?  Is it better with men?  How's that make us feel?  Less? Is there a comparison in their head or do they compartmentalize?
 

I agree with most of your points but I would say that straight men do not hook up with other men. Whatever a non-gay man might be, straight isn't one of the options. Having an intimate relationship with anyone straying outside the marriage can have medical consequences. In random hook-up situations, especially so. Please be careful. Compartmentalizing and minimizing is not uncommon when dealing with someone who's been hiding their true self for years. "It's just sex." "It was only a hand job." "It's you I love." "It wasn't with a woman so it's not really cheating." etc. You have the right to disagree with these sort of pronouncements.
 


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

January 20, 2021 9:31 am  #7


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

Foolmeonce - 
You name caught my attention. I used that saying in my last time writing to my GIDH - "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on both of us." 

I have been on this roller coaster for 12 years, and known about for almost 10. I'm exhausted and worn out and angry - and not sure who I am more angry at: Me, him, or God. 

The sex with men - does it matter if it was raw? Or intimate? I don't know anymore. Can I compartmentalize like that? I am not sure... and I am not sure I want to. 

I feel like I was duped into this marriage, too. But now, It's deciding if he is truly sorry enough to try and stay faithful, can I live like that? Is it just a matter of time again? This time feels different... he finally seems to be hearing why I am so hurt. He is seeing a counselor, he is trying...
I always say to myself - "I wish he wasn't everything else. He's a great father, a great provider, he's intelligent and funny and talented (we're both musicians). If he wasn't everything, it would be so easy to leave."
But he is those things. 
And quite frankly, I want to see my kids every day. And I want them to see him every day. So how do I make this work...? 

I am miserable... 
But one perk - I've lost 5lbs! 

 

January 20, 2021 1:09 pm  #8


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

I’m the type that wants to know. NOT knowing hurts more than knowing, even when the things I find out hurt terribly. I was going over that the other day, thinking how great things were before I knew anything about the cheating, etc. BUT, he was still doing it behind my back, and that is TOTALLY unacceptable!

So, when he told me he had been having sex with men since he was in his teens, I needed to know who/what, etc had been going on since we were together. He worked on a book: “Help. Her. Heal.”, and it got to the “formal disclosure’, where he had to write out his tale of deeds. And, he wrote a detailed, mostly chronologically ordered ‘letter’ with all the men, where, when, and what he liked about them, etc. It was almost more than I wanted to know, such as a guy that he saw that the guy was very gay and “had a totally hairless body, which was very much to my liking”..., it got pretty personal. (Anyone old enough to remember the Toyota commercial: I asked for it, I got it 🤨).  I had told him I didn’t want anything left out, and it was 7 pages long.

I truly feel he told me everything he remembered. (he’s got a bad memory,but I think he did a good job on this).

SO, if you want to know.....ask & make sure somehow that he tells you! 

 

January 20, 2021 1:57 pm  #9


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

Foolmeonce, 

Hi and I’m sorry you find yourself here. I’m the wife of a bi husband. I’ve known on some level for nearly 30 years. He finally accepted his attractions and came out to me a year ago. Bisexual men run the gamut, probably just like any other group of people. Many in the older generations cannot fathom the idea of any sort of romance with another man. Most are purely interested in sexual contact with other men. The more gay leaning bi men probably end up living a predominantly gay lifestyle. I’m finding that especially in the younger generations bisexual men are seemingly more interested in exploring both sex AND romance with other men, probably as it’s become more socially acceptable. Many bisexual men say that sex is not better or worse with one gender or the other... it’s just different. We are monogamous and have always been so. If you want to talk, just message me. 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (January 20, 2021 1:58 pm)

 

January 22, 2021 2:02 pm  #10


Re: How many just “want” to know the whole story?

Deceivedandsad wrote:

Foolmeonce - 
I feel like I was duped into this marriage, too. But now, It's deciding if he is truly sorry enough to try and stay faithful, can I live like that? Is it just a matter of time again? This time feels different... he finally seems to be hearing why I am so hurt. He is seeing a counselor, he is trying...
I always say to myself - "I wish he wasn't everything else. He's a great father, a great provider, he's intelligent and funny and talented (we're both musicians). If he wasn't everything, it would be so easy to leave."
But he is those things. 
And quite frankly, I want to see my kids every day. And I want them to see him every day. So how do I make this work...? 

I am miserable... 
But one perk - I've lost 5lbs! 

Hi I am new here; currently overwhelmed with emotions and my head is spinning. I agree with this feeling of being duped that several of you have spoken about. They rob you of your right to decide if this is what you want for yourself, your children, your life; stealing your power to control your own life. It is such an incredibly selfish act.

I definitely want to know everything. I am still in the process of discovery but I feel like I need to know the nature of the beast that I am dealing with. Only then will I know if it is worth trying to make this work even though I know there are things that, once know, may make it impossible to go forward. I would rather know now than be blindsided down the road with an aspect of this I didn't know about.

 

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